deepundergroundpoetry.com
You
You....
You made me loose myself again.
How could I ever believe the words across your lips?
I knew you were trouble, from the very start...
Your coming and going...
Your will to trap me...
I should have ran for my life!
All those nights by your side...
The way you pinned me down as you held my hands over my head...
As you kept biting my neck...
Your lips against my ear saying I was all you ever wanted...
You... You fucking liar!!
You made me believe you!!
Just so that you could go away and leave me wondering.
What the fuck happened ....
Hoping, wishing, that you'd come back...
You worthless piece of shit!!
Of all the things you took away ...
I miss myself the most!...
The worst part is that you left me behind, all broken...
And now, this desperate idiot I've become,
is all they know...
And, somehow, no one realizes I'm not quite right in the head anymore...
They all accepted that this is me now, and left it at that...
They all believe it....
No one understands that this is not who I am!!
And all this...
All this despair...
Because of You.
You...
You made me loose myself again.
How could I ever believe the words across your lips?
I knew you were trouble, from the very start...
Your coming and going...
Your will to trap me...
I should have ran for my life!
All those nights by your side...
The way you pinned me down as you held my hands over my head...
As you kept biting my neck...
Your lips against my ear saying I was all you ever wanted...
You... You fucking liar!!
You made me believe you!!
Just so that you could go away and leave me wondering.
What the fuck happened ....
Hoping, wishing, that you'd come back...
You worthless piece of shit!!
Of all the things you took away ...
I miss myself the most!...
The worst part is that you left me behind, all broken...
And now, this desperate idiot I've become,
is all they know...
And, somehow, no one realizes I'm not quite right in the head anymore...
They all accepted that this is me now, and left it at that...
They all believe it....
No one understands that this is not who I am!!
And all this...
All this despair...
Because of You.
You...
Published 19th Jan 2014
| Edited 20th Jan 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 594
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I really enjoyed this. It's a great piece of inner turmoil over someone else, and causing more turmoil from others for their lack of shall we say, caring.
A few pointers: You use this ' ...' too often. It works great to build suspense however using it too often can take away from the message. I would take it off a lot of the end of the sentences.
You...you fucking liar!- Definitely would keep it here.
What the fuck happened .... And here
and the very first 'you' as well.
your coming and going- should be 'you're'
"The worst part is that you left me behind, all broken" You could probably take out 'the worst part is that' and it'd flow a little better but that's just a personal thought.
Anyway, take it with a grain of salt the above. It's your work after all :) and a beautiful piece too.
It's definitely powerful and you can feel the frustration, hurt and anger through it.
A few pointers: You use this ' ...' too often. It works great to build suspense however using it too often can take away from the message. I would take it off a lot of the end of the sentences.
You...you fucking liar!- Definitely would keep it here.
What the fuck happened .... And here
and the very first 'you' as well.
your coming and going- should be 'you're'
"The worst part is that you left me behind, all broken" You could probably take out 'the worst part is that' and it'd flow a little better but that's just a personal thought.
Anyway, take it with a grain of salt the above. It's your work after all :) and a beautiful piece too.
It's definitely powerful and you can feel the frustration, hurt and anger through it.
20th Jan 2014 3:30pm
Thank you for the advice. I'm just starting, so eventually, I'll get better at it. :)
20th Jan 2014 00:45am
27th Jan 2014 3:49pm
