Matters out of my control.

It stinks of misery here
and I'm hopeless.
I'm hopelessly in love with you, hopeless in resentment, hopeless in hatred, hopeless in what feels like complete control of my breathing, sleeping, moving arrangements.
I want to not exist.
These choices before me are too adult, too serious and hard to handle.
I can't stand the idea of losing you, the concept pains me.
I want a friend. I want a life outside of you. I want something to wake up for other than complete adoration for you.
I feel like I'm suffering again,
wanting to feel a sharp pain and an easy release again
like some angsty teen yet I'm meant to be ageing. The more people proclaim "We are ageing." "I'm getting old." and all those other lines I just want a Mum to cuddle and someone who knows how to stop time.
I'm not ready for any of this
and putting it on me,
it just isn't fair.
I'm not emotionally stable enough for it.