deepundergroundpoetry.com
Silent sacrifices at an ungodly altar
Serenity moulded face in titanium clay,
Preserved in airbrushed pencil lead grey,
Gravity slowly repulsed rising,
reincarnate echo of the romanticized past,
Fossilized partly with grey leather skin,
Unlocking harsh misconceptions long held- at last,
Submersed for two thousand years,
Fingerprints intact a time capsule,
Of human superstition and fears of disease,
Last meal to be scrutinised,
By time travelling autopsy freaks,
The fertile peat has kept features upon your face,
Suspended historical animation,
Portal to another time with it's depravity,
Curvature of spine, silent sacrifice
Preserved in airbrushed pencil lead grey,
Gravity slowly repulsed rising,
reincarnate echo of the romanticized past,
Fossilized partly with grey leather skin,
Unlocking harsh misconceptions long held- at last,
Submersed for two thousand years,
Fingerprints intact a time capsule,
Of human superstition and fears of disease,
Last meal to be scrutinised,
By time travelling autopsy freaks,
The fertile peat has kept features upon your face,
Suspended historical animation,
Portal to another time with it's depravity,
Curvature of spine, silent sacrifice
Published 8th Feb 2011
| Edited 10th Feb 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 1
comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Feb 2011 1:43am
....this is pretty good. But you still aren't making it kick. The most striking thing about these mummified people is their faces, and their often opened-up necks, and yet you left that out and stayed 'intellectual'...shame on you, because that face is their face.
Time travelling autopsy freaks is a good line.
The biggest issue I have is you don't set the scene well enough that the reader knows who you are talking about...be careful, even if you are being spare with words, to let the reader into the picture, or you won't be read...
Take a look at the first line and tell me where in that you bring a picture of a mummified person to my minds eye...see?
Keep going...you have some great lines.
Time travelling autopsy freaks is a good line.
The biggest issue I have is you don't set the scene well enough that the reader knows who you are talking about...be careful, even if you are being spare with words, to let the reader into the picture, or you won't be read...
Take a look at the first line and tell me where in that you bring a picture of a mummified person to my minds eye...see?
Keep going...you have some great lines.
9th Feb 2011 11:31pm
Hemi's right about that first line, but overall, this is a fine piece, so fine I wouldn't mind asking for permission to use this in our band. And poems in my opinion, don't always have to make sense, or be written under certain guidelines (i'm not accusing anyone of saying that by the way), sure, it's nice for the author to paint us readers a vision if you will, but I understand we readers are not always going to "get" the authors perspective in everything they write, and we're not pros by any stretch so I think most authors here do an outstanding job.
10th Feb 2011 00:26am
Yes would love to see the end result posted on here, I have had an idea of two lines to add to the beginning-
Serenity moulded face in titanium clay,Preserved in airbrushed pencil lead grey,
Serenity moulded face in titanium clay,Preserved in airbrushed pencil lead grey,
11th Feb 2011 1:55pm
Claire let me know if you got my message, my box tells me I sent no messages, but I know I did unless its messing up.
11th Feb 2011 8:13pm
Hi,got your message thanks can't wait to hear your song.I've been on your myspace page and love the songs on there,thousand snakes one if my favourite one so far.Take care Claire
