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Vow of Silence (A Mad Girl Poem)
"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.
Silence.
A pin dropping on the floor.
The snow falling outside of my window.
The cold December air,
drawing in from the cracks in the glass.
I am alone in this world.
This sorrow filled nutshell that I have called my life.
The silence is getting louder.
It's harmmering in my ears.
Along with the rush of blood.
Pounding of my heart.
It's final beats.
That sick twisted sound it makes.
Reminding me that I am still alive (for now).
It is cold outside.
And inside is no better.
A snowstorm has piled up onto my heart,
locking my soul beaneath a sheet of black ice.
Thick and hollow, broken and lonely.
The silence is getting to me.
Drip drop goes the sink in the kitchen.
A leaky pipe I will never fix.
Tick, tock goes the clock.
Reminding me that time is running out.
Even if I have no where to go.
I am late getting there.
Chills run up my spine.
The silence is closing in.
Tick, tock.
Drip, drop.
Water running.
Snow falling.
Heart pounding.
Hands shaking.
Heart breaking.
Too late.
Too far.
Good-bye.
Church bells.
Iron gates.
Can't escape.
Too late.
I have sealed my fate.
In silence.
Alone.
This silence breaks me open like an egg on the sidewalk.
Revealing the true spongy underbelly that is the depression.
The depression that has taken hold of my heart and soul.
Driving me insane.
Driving me mad.
Driving me to the end.
The silence depressed me so bad.
For it wasn't the silence of silence.
It was the silence of uncertainty.
The silence of etenity.
The silence of butterflies in my stomach.
And tears running down my face.
Keep walking forward.
Don't look up.
If you look up, it's real.
But here I am.
All in white.
Silence surrounds me.
A question looms ahead.
And I wanted to fold back inside of myself.
Inside of the silence.
The silence that is myself.
Because this is the one time that my voice cannot get lost.
The one time that I must be heard.
Not hide behind someone else (as I often have tried).
No one else can speak for me now.
These words must be own.
But the silence is so tempting.
Because the silence is understanding.
It's my dance with devil.
It's my taste of the darkness.
It's the vice I can let go of (just yet).
It is my own silence (that I must break).
A reassuring squeeze of the hand.
Eyes closed (all is dead).
Eyes open (all is born again).
But you are real (not inside of my head).
And the silence must be broken.
For us.
For you.
For me.
I must open my mouth and speak.
Two words.
Two words.
Two beautiful words.
That show that I can be brave.
That I can be strong.
Scars have healed.
Tears have dried.
My heart swells.
And time has stopped tonight.
I part my lips.
Taste the air.
Breaking the seal, of my tomb.
And break from my silence, I say:
“I do.”
Silence.
A pin dropping on the floor.
The snow falling outside of my window.
The cold December air,
drawing in from the cracks in the glass.
I am alone in this world.
This sorrow filled nutshell that I have called my life.
The silence is getting louder.
It's harmmering in my ears.
Along with the rush of blood.
Pounding of my heart.
It's final beats.
That sick twisted sound it makes.
Reminding me that I am still alive (for now).
It is cold outside.
And inside is no better.
A snowstorm has piled up onto my heart,
locking my soul beaneath a sheet of black ice.
Thick and hollow, broken and lonely.
The silence is getting to me.
Drip drop goes the sink in the kitchen.
A leaky pipe I will never fix.
Tick, tock goes the clock.
Reminding me that time is running out.
Even if I have no where to go.
I am late getting there.
Chills run up my spine.
The silence is closing in.
Tick, tock.
Drip, drop.
Water running.
Snow falling.
Heart pounding.
Hands shaking.
Heart breaking.
Too late.
Too far.
Good-bye.
Church bells.
Iron gates.
Can't escape.
Too late.
I have sealed my fate.
In silence.
Alone.
This silence breaks me open like an egg on the sidewalk.
Revealing the true spongy underbelly that is the depression.
The depression that has taken hold of my heart and soul.
Driving me insane.
Driving me mad.
Driving me to the end.
The silence depressed me so bad.
For it wasn't the silence of silence.
It was the silence of uncertainty.
The silence of etenity.
The silence of butterflies in my stomach.
And tears running down my face.
Keep walking forward.
Don't look up.
If you look up, it's real.
But here I am.
All in white.
Silence surrounds me.
A question looms ahead.
And I wanted to fold back inside of myself.
Inside of the silence.
The silence that is myself.
Because this is the one time that my voice cannot get lost.
The one time that I must be heard.
Not hide behind someone else (as I often have tried).
No one else can speak for me now.
These words must be own.
But the silence is so tempting.
Because the silence is understanding.
It's my dance with devil.
It's my taste of the darkness.
It's the vice I can let go of (just yet).
It is my own silence (that I must break).
A reassuring squeeze of the hand.
Eyes closed (all is dead).
Eyes open (all is born again).
But you are real (not inside of my head).
And the silence must be broken.
For us.
For you.
For me.
I must open my mouth and speak.
Two words.
Two words.
Two beautiful words.
That show that I can be brave.
That I can be strong.
Scars have healed.
Tears have dried.
My heart swells.
And time has stopped tonight.
I part my lips.
Taste the air.
Breaking the seal, of my tomb.
And break from my silence, I say:
“I do.”
Published 11th Dec 2013
| Edited 13th Dec 2013
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