Lovesick Word Vomit

I could stare at this notepad for hours and still have no idea what to say, what to write down and spill with ink. There are so many words, phrases and lovesick requests floating around inside of my head but none feel adequate enough, for you.

What would happen if I let it all out? All that my tongue has struggled to repress and hold back, what if I released it and allowed it all to spill out of my mouth? Would you crumble under the weight of these heavy words I’ve kept to myself?

Would you be crushed under lines like, “I lied when I said I didn’t blame you for this, it’s your fault I turned out the way I did.” or confessions such as, “I wish she didn’t exist, wish you’d stop loving her, I wish you never did.” I wonder if you’ll still be standing when these words fall from my mouth uncontrollably, “I loved you so long and so secretly but now I’m left feeling bitter and violently angry. I want to hurt you, I want to hurt you like you’ve hurt me.” I wonder if your legs would give out once I’ve let all that out, if you don't fall to the ground than you’re stronger than I thought you were,
           
            Still these secrets pour out of me like
                              pathetic lovesick word vomit.

“I wish I never met you, you ruined my life and for that I won’t forgive you.” My life isn’t better for knowing you and I lied when I said you  made me a better person. I’ll smile as I watch your knees buckle, as the guilt crushes you and you’re just as broken as I am. I'll watch until it becomes painful to breathe with that pressure on your chest and I'll smile as it caves in with every single breath.

           I wonder if you'll finally start to feel some regret.

All my love letters have turned into seething pages full of bitter sentences and words lacking tender emotions, they’re as cold and black as the ink they were written in. Those letters are just as cold as this heart which pains me still, it feels as frozen as the one you refused to give.

I have no time left for this, not even for one more, “I love you ---.” Sorry honey, if you throw me a syringe I’ll lie and fake it some more while injecting this poison which flows straight to my heart. I’ll smile and tell you all that I once meant and now don't, you should have listened each time I said them before.

                          Go ahead, grab your spoon--
                                        Baby, now it's your turn