deepundergroundpoetry.com
< a window on whose other side is everything >
(a chant to be read aloud)
and in your journal
as i look into your journal
in your journal
where you say:
"a week from yesterday today
two days until tomorrow
monday
it will happen on a monday
monday's when it will
when it will happen
happened on a monday
monday
that is now this monday
on this monday
down this hall
this hall so deep within our house
(or what we call a house)
this hall which started dark
and faded into light
a window there
unseen by me
a window in a room
a window on whose other side is everything"
you said:
"another trick"
you said:
"another trick"
i didn't know
the window wasn't there
the window wasn't there as yet
not really there
not down the hall
and all i heard was you
that light
that light was all i saw
"i see this light that comes from down the hall" i'd say
and then you'd say
and then you said:
"a trick, a little trick they play, i know their tricks,
this light
it comes from down the hall
there is a room
a window there
a light
there is a window there
a window on whose other side is everything
except this hall
except this room you've never seen
except for you
except for me"
and there you stopped
you stopped
you never said again
again
again that monday
monday
that is now this monday
on this monday
monday
when it happened
monday
this is now that monday was
and is
a trick you told me of
and then you said:
"that day, this day, a house, a hall, a light, a room,
a window on whose other side"
and as you say
you say this i
i feel your breath
so close
i feel your breath
so warm
you say:
"a window on whose other side is everything
is everything
a window on whose other side a world awaits
a week from yesterday today
two days until tomorrow"
- - -
Image: "Staring Sister" - a photograph by me of my younger sister
- its profound artsy-fartsyness was obtained by separating the flesh-tones
into groups and then averaging each group to a single color.
and in your journal
as i look into your journal
in your journal
where you say:
"a week from yesterday today
two days until tomorrow
monday
it will happen on a monday
monday's when it will
when it will happen
happened on a monday
monday
that is now this monday
on this monday
down this hall
this hall so deep within our house
(or what we call a house)
this hall which started dark
and faded into light
a window there
unseen by me
a window in a room
a window on whose other side is everything"
you said:
"another trick"
you said:
"another trick"
i didn't know
the window wasn't there
the window wasn't there as yet
not really there
not down the hall
and all i heard was you
that light
that light was all i saw
"i see this light that comes from down the hall" i'd say
and then you'd say
and then you said:
"a trick, a little trick they play, i know their tricks,
this light
it comes from down the hall
there is a room
a window there
a light
there is a window there
a window on whose other side is everything
except this hall
except this room you've never seen
except for you
except for me"
and there you stopped
you stopped
you never said again
again
again that monday
monday
that is now this monday
on this monday
monday
when it happened
monday
this is now that monday was
and is
a trick you told me of
and then you said:
"that day, this day, a house, a hall, a light, a room,
a window on whose other side"
and as you say
you say this i
i feel your breath
so close
i feel your breath
so warm
you say:
"a window on whose other side is everything
is everything
a window on whose other side a world awaits
a week from yesterday today
two days until tomorrow"
- - -
Image: "Staring Sister" - a photograph by me of my younger sister
- its profound artsy-fartsyness was obtained by separating the flesh-tones
into groups and then averaging each group to a single color.
Published 2nd Dec 2013
| Edited 18th Dec 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 4
comments 11
reads 1236
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Dec 2013 7:59pm
wooo...
a most satisfying whirly wynde of juggled time/space/light'shadow/ & wee bits of matter.
bravo,daddyo
(sorry for having 'repelled' wit my excess....
has to do wit some brain anomaly---
really can't help it, but it pretty much affects all 'my admirers' that way---- YOU have been the onliest one who has had d'guts to speak of 'it'....over 11yrs now of uncanny consistency....it'll be the death of me, since I can no longer imagine it 'changing', & g'odd knows I tried 'creatively' to change it with & without 'theraputic' assistance....just a clichéd 'matter of time'....sad, but it has forced a shift in perception that is fascinating in & of it self, & i'm not concerned with any 'judgement' that I wasted life & 'my potential'.......it all,we all.\, go the same way to the same place
a most satisfying whirly wynde of juggled time/space/light'shadow/ & wee bits of matter.
bravo,daddyo
(sorry for having 'repelled' wit my excess....
has to do wit some brain anomaly---
really can't help it, but it pretty much affects all 'my admirers' that way---- YOU have been the onliest one who has had d'guts to speak of 'it'....over 11yrs now of uncanny consistency....it'll be the death of me, since I can no longer imagine it 'changing', & g'odd knows I tried 'creatively' to change it with & without 'theraputic' assistance....just a clichéd 'matter of time'....sad, but it has forced a shift in perception that is fascinating in & of it self, & i'm not concerned with any 'judgement' that I wasted life & 'my potential'.......it all,we all.\, go the same way to the same place
yes, wooo... :)
not repelled, that's way too negative for what i meant. it's more like "worn out" and it has as
much to do with me as you. no blame for either of us for this. blame for many other things maybe,
but not this. that "shift" is certainly interesting. i have "it" too only very different, not as severe, but
for all my life so i only know a difference when someone tells me which is not often, mainly i don't
know what they experienced only they they usually (not always) don't like it. "i'm not concerned with
any 'judgement' that I wasted life & 'my potential'..." you're more centered than i, i mostly am ok,
accept it, but sometimes i get so furious. i remember when i read about someone i knew long ago
is now a respected scientist. i wanted that. i could have been that, but my mental illness kept
me from it. i get so furious, then it passes, i accept it had to be this way. whatever, just wanted
to say that so you know i'd never, ever, be "repelled" :) read some of your poems but didn't
make comments, have been busy with my shift in perspective :) not bad or anything, just busy.
you may write a zillion stuff, but much of it is wonderfully perceptive; especially the political
(personal as well as organizational) which is hard (HARD) to write without seeming polemic.
keep doing what you have to; much better than a compulsion to lie on the floor and drool. :)
not repelled, that's way too negative for what i meant. it's more like "worn out" and it has as
much to do with me as you. no blame for either of us for this. blame for many other things maybe,
but not this. that "shift" is certainly interesting. i have "it" too only very different, not as severe, but
for all my life so i only know a difference when someone tells me which is not often, mainly i don't
know what they experienced only they they usually (not always) don't like it. "i'm not concerned with
any 'judgement' that I wasted life & 'my potential'..." you're more centered than i, i mostly am ok,
accept it, but sometimes i get so furious. i remember when i read about someone i knew long ago
is now a respected scientist. i wanted that. i could have been that, but my mental illness kept
me from it. i get so furious, then it passes, i accept it had to be this way. whatever, just wanted
to say that so you know i'd never, ever, be "repelled" :) read some of your poems but didn't
make comments, have been busy with my shift in perspective :) not bad or anything, just busy.
you may write a zillion stuff, but much of it is wonderfully perceptive; especially the political
(personal as well as organizational) which is hard (HARD) to write without seeming polemic.
keep doing what you have to; much better than a compulsion to lie on the floor and drool. :)
yo Ray...such Good Say
I spent ample time both 'sides of the desk' in the mental health/mental illness Business.....so much of 'the cure' ego indulgence wanking & contriving.
I was a mere nursing tech, & substance abuse counselor. In the 70's, the joint I worked for was willing to pay my way up the educational ladder...even med school..as me&institutional education never got along, I said no thanks, i'll remain a peon... so my wife divorced me to marry a Ph.D psychologist & I spent more'n 2 decades known as a pathetic slacker..."Oh, yeah, there's Kozak. He'd rather blow a saxophone than have a real Career". Dear wife Linda. Turns out she shared the best years of her life with me(11yrs).
10 yrs into her marriage to Dr.Ralph(a truly good fellow), she had a 'psychotic break' & developed a bizarre late-onset, paranoid schizo-affective disorder. Put him thru hell. Then 5-6 yrs ago, came down with cancer, was convinced that Ralph was trying to kill her, divorced him after radical mastectomies, then denied she had cancer at all until just a few days before she died this past July 11th....in May we were together at our son's wedding in SF. She was riddled with cancer, but no one woulda known it. She was lovely, lively & lucid. 7weeks later
she was gone.................my story from one side of the desk to the other is a bizarre one that included near five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever encountered...an incredible love affair until her very sad demise, which is too long a story & nary believable.
o'jeez.......there I went again.....Ha! Cheers,Deathplane Ted....
I spent ample time both 'sides of the desk' in the mental health/mental illness Business.....so much of 'the cure' ego indulgence wanking & contriving.
I was a mere nursing tech, & substance abuse counselor. In the 70's, the joint I worked for was willing to pay my way up the educational ladder...even med school..as me&institutional education never got along, I said no thanks, i'll remain a peon... so my wife divorced me to marry a Ph.D psychologist & I spent more'n 2 decades known as a pathetic slacker..."Oh, yeah, there's Kozak. He'd rather blow a saxophone than have a real Career". Dear wife Linda. Turns out she shared the best years of her life with me(11yrs).
10 yrs into her marriage to Dr.Ralph(a truly good fellow), she had a 'psychotic break' & developed a bizarre late-onset, paranoid schizo-affective disorder. Put him thru hell. Then 5-6 yrs ago, came down with cancer, was convinced that Ralph was trying to kill her, divorced him after radical mastectomies, then denied she had cancer at all until just a few days before she died this past July 11th....in May we were together at our son's wedding in SF. She was riddled with cancer, but no one woulda known it. She was lovely, lively & lucid. 7weeks later
she was gone.................my story from one side of the desk to the other is a bizarre one that included near five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever encountered...an incredible love affair until her very sad demise, which is too long a story & nary believable.
o'jeez.......there I went again.....Ha! Cheers,Deathplane Ted....
"bizarre late-onset, paranoid schizo-affective disorder"
i retract my previous statement; drooling on floor sounds
a lot better when compared to above.
"included near five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever encountered."
Oh, to have had one of those! (Though mine are good people who
sincerely try and I love them for it.)
Our lives are certainly interesting: cruel, joyous, funny, pathetic, and (most of all)
a great epic only we can know. All this suffering, i keep telling myself, earns me a
tiny-bright-little treasure that i can hold close, prize, and be comforted by. Sometimes
when i'm feeling this way i meet someone i think is 'normal', who knows nothing of
all this; and i feel smug. Then i come to know their own story
and it's much more painful than mine. i realize (again) how
self-centered i am. A bit of suffering can do this as well.
So i carefully place this in my "how pathetic and funny i am"
file and forget it. When it happens again and i am surprised
and humbled, then it happens again and i am surprised and
humbled, then it happens again and i am surprised and humbled... :)
" ...o'jeez.......there I went again.....Ha! Cheers,Deathplane Ted.... "
P.S. Please feel free to 'went again' any time you want. It's, hmm, how to express it;
oh, yes: "certainly interesting". :)
P.P.S. And I'd be in a worse place had I tried and failed,
or had i succeeded, i might've died a strange and terrible
death. Though, I guess, that's still possible...
P.P.P.S.
"..so much of 'the cure'... "
poem above is much about the promise and/or hope of 'the cure'
(and a voice saying: 'be careful what you wish for")
"ego indulgence wanking & contriving"
---a window on whose other side is everything /
you said: "another trick" / you said: "another trick"---
i retract my previous statement; drooling on floor sounds
a lot better when compared to above.
"included near five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever encountered."
Oh, to have had one of those! (Though mine are good people who
sincerely try and I love them for it.)
Our lives are certainly interesting: cruel, joyous, funny, pathetic, and (most of all)
a great epic only we can know. All this suffering, i keep telling myself, earns me a
tiny-bright-little treasure that i can hold close, prize, and be comforted by. Sometimes
when i'm feeling this way i meet someone i think is 'normal', who knows nothing of
all this; and i feel smug. Then i come to know their own story
and it's much more painful than mine. i realize (again) how
self-centered i am. A bit of suffering can do this as well.
So i carefully place this in my "how pathetic and funny i am"
file and forget it. When it happens again and i am surprised
and humbled, then it happens again and i am surprised and
humbled, then it happens again and i am surprised and humbled... :)
" ...o'jeez.......there I went again.....Ha! Cheers,Deathplane Ted.... "
P.S. Please feel free to 'went again' any time you want. It's, hmm, how to express it;
oh, yes: "certainly interesting". :)
P.P.S. And I'd be in a worse place had I tried and failed,
or had i succeeded, i might've died a strange and terrible
death. Though, I guess, that's still possible...
P.P.P.S.
"..so much of 'the cure'... "
poem above is much about the promise and/or hope of 'the cure'
(and a voice saying: 'be careful what you wish for")
"ego indulgence wanking & contriving"
---a window on whose other side is everything /
you said: "another trick" / you said: "another trick"---
18th Dec 2013 5:19pm
yes sir......absolutely & irresolutely !
BTW: "five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever..." , twas a common'law marriage, live together, amazing love relationship.
in less than 5 years, her ex'sig'other died in despair (OD) over her refusal to get back with him after he'd become violent, then Dad died at 61 from alcoholism/diabetes, family hx of him being wildly promiscuous when drunk, to which the 3girls 'privy' from ages 9-12, then 6months later I started my string(7months) of underdiagnosed heartattacks which culminating in a death defying race into emergency open-heart 16hour surgery...so, she damnear lost me, but I paid back her devotion by unconsciously conjuring a 'miraculous' & amazingly rapid recovery. Two more lovely loving years ensued, then her closest colleague, who founded the Recovery center they both worked...died suddenly of an OD of hydrocodone & fentanyl.......well, sparing the bizarre circumstance that followed, she disappeared as she didn't want me to know if she killed herself (the plan), or she didn't want to know if I was gonna die as a result of the stress of watching her 'decompensate'(break down)......
thus initiating the Most Bizarre Decade of Pain, Parodox, Psychic Amusements...such as that I DID NOT fully survive my cardiac adventures, & that I'm either dead (allthis being a moment-of-death hallucination where 'time' is irrelevant), or that I'm in some cosmi-comic netherworld between states of living & dead.
PS: droolin on the floor was part of her paranoid breakdowns about what poor Ralph was trying to do to her, so there was a 10 battle with her discontinuing(&recontinuing) her meds, which precipitated 2-3 breakdowns & hospitalizations a year..........
in retrospect & compared to the life she lived with Ralph, our 11yrs together were almost idyllic in beauty, g'odd bless her. As for Ralph, I'm forever indebted to him for the kindness & understanding he showed my boy Eric during Linda's 'hard times'....if unattended, he coulda ended up a grand fuckin mess....but he's a great kid/man with amazin perspective & perceptiveness.......& still we're all just gonna die & the living will weep & then they'll die & so forth goeth thee so on .
BTW: "five years with the most brilliant psychiatrist I ever..." , twas a common'law marriage, live together, amazing love relationship.
in less than 5 years, her ex'sig'other died in despair (OD) over her refusal to get back with him after he'd become violent, then Dad died at 61 from alcoholism/diabetes, family hx of him being wildly promiscuous when drunk, to which the 3girls 'privy' from ages 9-12, then 6months later I started my string(7months) of underdiagnosed heartattacks which culminating in a death defying race into emergency open-heart 16hour surgery...so, she damnear lost me, but I paid back her devotion by unconsciously conjuring a 'miraculous' & amazingly rapid recovery. Two more lovely loving years ensued, then her closest colleague, who founded the Recovery center they both worked...died suddenly of an OD of hydrocodone & fentanyl.......well, sparing the bizarre circumstance that followed, she disappeared as she didn't want me to know if she killed herself (the plan), or she didn't want to know if I was gonna die as a result of the stress of watching her 'decompensate'(break down)......
thus initiating the Most Bizarre Decade of Pain, Parodox, Psychic Amusements...such as that I DID NOT fully survive my cardiac adventures, & that I'm either dead (allthis being a moment-of-death hallucination where 'time' is irrelevant), or that I'm in some cosmi-comic netherworld between states of living & dead.
PS: droolin on the floor was part of her paranoid breakdowns about what poor Ralph was trying to do to her, so there was a 10 battle with her discontinuing(&recontinuing) her meds, which precipitated 2-3 breakdowns & hospitalizations a year..........
in retrospect & compared to the life she lived with Ralph, our 11yrs together were almost idyllic in beauty, g'odd bless her. As for Ralph, I'm forever indebted to him for the kindness & understanding he showed my boy Eric during Linda's 'hard times'....if unattended, he coulda ended up a grand fuckin mess....but he's a great kid/man with amazin perspective & perceptiveness.......& still we're all just gonna die & the living will weep & then they'll die & so forth goeth thee so on .
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Jan 2019 8:46am
3rd Dec 2013 2:21pm
<< post removed >>
17th Dec 2013 2:48am
this light from a room unknown overcomes me at
times and the repetition is part of it, goes on
and on. your beautiful poems of life are wonderful,
BTW.
times and the repetition is part of it, goes on
and on. your beautiful poems of life are wonderful,
BTW.
5th Dec 2013 9:05pm
I love how this one burrows. Didn't read it aloud, though, because then I think it would have burrowed somewhere outside of me, instead of somewhere behind my eyes and nose and downwards. And I really like how 'then you'd say' caught so quickly up with 'then you said' as if time, and the hallway, was an accordion of it all happening.
just moving your lips while reading or thinking of rhythm was
what the annotation was about... oh, more like "don't think of bananas"
something like that. and yes, the confusion of memory and present
glad you felt that. i just don't get by here very much anymore. best for holidays.
what the annotation was about... oh, more like "don't think of bananas"
something like that. and yes, the confusion of memory and present
glad you felt that. i just don't get by here very much anymore. best for holidays.
14th Aug 2015 1:40pm
4th Dec 2015 10:16pm
