kiss and tell

Your room smelled like pot and cologne—  
Absolutely disgusting until for reasons unfathomable I let myself get used to it, lay down next to you on the bed and watched some stupid show about some dumb fuck who messed with people for the sake of friendship.    
I tried to remember if I even had friends these days.Maybe I’m a sociopath. You played with my hands and I felt like a person.    
   
You touched my hands, rolled over towards me kissed me pretended it was my fucking idea and moved between my legs I said the jeans stay on and you were the first boy who was okay with that who didn’t rip them off, youpushed but you didn’t hit me and I’m so fucked up that when you told me to go I should go home id didn't leave right away. “You should go home” and kissed me and then did it again “go home” and kissed me kissed me until I finally got angry got up but you followed. Ten more minutes, you gave me and you had your own kind of smile so I unrolled the spite “I’m fucking honoured,” but I didn’t leave because you kissed me and  
I felt like a person. I’m so fucked up. You pulled my hair and watched my face as you said it again and again and ten minutes turned into an hour and the pants stayed on.    
   
I’m not waiting for you to call. I expect never to see you again. I’m so fucked up. I miss you. You made me hate you in strange ways and you made me feel disregarded and used but you also asked me “what that expression was,” told me I wasn’t allowed to be angry made me feel I existed made me feel like a toy made me cry after I left but I am a person and you were the first one who listened when I told you  
no.