brainstorming

chaos envelopes my life
wrapping it up in a perfect pocket
to store or throw away
such as the chaos of my days
my mind goes slack
as my vision goes black
i dont want to see all the ugliness
about myself let alone
the ugly side of everyone else
my retinas stained with red  
this daily bread the body and blood
prayerful and tolerant meditive at best
i try to escape the chaos around me
by just blinking out shut down my recepters
please just for an hour
only god has that power i just long to be alone
with you father your divine province i require
come back to this heart and soul and light me on fire
my spirit is broken beaten and used
im weaker in strength cause my weakness i must hide
not showing jealousy or pride i bare the marks
of a spiritual whipping wripped from my flesh my pennance
i guess i cant protest for i too must learn more
hungar ever more for the knowledge of you
i strive ever closer on my path to judgement day
ive said all i can say and my own words arent enough today
im meditating on your light father seeking the heat in my feet
coals imagined or remembered i love you father
i seek you each day i try to lend understanding but
all these crybabys are crippling my ear with their selfish
whinning it never ends poor them for this pity me for that
what a sad pathetic miserable lot we are
i can not allow them really go that far
i think sometimes you want to die well
super kill yourself
theyll be one less
pitiful sad excuse for an ungreatful fool
then im pretty near instantly sorry
but the thought does occur
when everywhere i look
it isnt you are its where youve been
no learning ever seeks the
heart of the person that has self pity
why should god feel for your pain
i mean after all the self pity you generate
survival instinct must kick in
youd think itd be next step
but not in you special co dependent few
your pathetic life trials
of everyone else is to blame
for your failure to cope, you hit the dope
no it was you even though your self righteous
pompous self serving eyes defeat you
had lied and saw everyone else
unless your looking in a mirror
its hard to attack verbally your true enemy
your self, lazy overindulgent  and hateful
you should have that crooked
finger pointing directly back at you
and when im speaking to myself
im directing it to the self in you