deepundergroundpoetry.com
strawberry cough
the world is folding as always
this time faster than the last
my reaction time is off
vastly
I wonder how coffee tastes
on the other side
have to make right with my young dude
he's a good kid, great worker
my guy beat him for two stacks
no mother fucking bueno bout it
now I have to rearrange occupied face
just when my hippie juju
was feelin so groovy
and it's all balance. We know it
but can never discuss it. Language
is an honest mans game
but the liars have gone viral
I know coffee tastes just the same
but it doesn't satisfy the deception
in me simply saying
that I feel better than I should
this time faster than the last
my reaction time is off
vastly
I wonder how coffee tastes
on the other side
have to make right with my young dude
he's a good kid, great worker
my guy beat him for two stacks
no mother fucking bueno bout it
now I have to rearrange occupied face
just when my hippie juju
was feelin so groovy
and it's all balance. We know it
but can never discuss it. Language
is an honest mans game
but the liars have gone viral
I know coffee tastes just the same
but it doesn't satisfy the deception
in me simply saying
that I feel better than I should
Published 20th Nov 2013
| Edited 21st Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 6
reads 787
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 20th Nov 2013 5:47pm
20th Nov 2013 5:45pm
I can't help thinking that after "the world is folding as always this time faster than the last" - it could benefit from some punctuation... A semi-colon maybe? I just think this would punch home and separate the next two lines, which in itself, is a statement.
I like the introspection in this poem. This is in the love category which I find quite insightful. Although this drifts into the first person after the first stanza, so I wonder if this poem is more about yourself, rather than focus on another person/object/material. An observation, more than a physical act I suspect.
I like the finishing stanza, wrapping up the idea of deception and misconstrued language. Sometimes, a reader doesn't have to understand a poem to know that the person was trying to communicate something meaningful.
An intriguing read. It's like a puzzle that needs placing together. You have too read through it more than once.
Thank you for the read.
I like the introspection in this poem. This is in the love category which I find quite insightful. Although this drifts into the first person after the first stanza, so I wonder if this poem is more about yourself, rather than focus on another person/object/material. An observation, more than a physical act I suspect.
I like the finishing stanza, wrapping up the idea of deception and misconstrued language. Sometimes, a reader doesn't have to understand a poem to know that the person was trying to communicate something meaningful.
An intriguing read. It's like a puzzle that needs placing together. You have too read through it more than once.
Thank you for the read.
20th Nov 2013 7:27pm
well now that you mention it, I cant stop thinking on how to separate those first two thoughts...may just go ahead and take your semicolon advice...thank you very much on that thought
"Sometimes, a reader doesn't have to understand a poem to know that the person was trying to communicate something meaningful." I always hoped so, and goddamned if I aint happy you said it...seems like a ballsy stance to stand on its own, but the ideas behind this write might be recognized in that way on its best day...I am going through something meaningful but there are just not words to say it, yet that instinct to work it out on paper is equally if not more powerful.
prob confused myself... I thank you very much on your comments, gives me a vote of confidence as well as some things to think on...cheers!
"Sometimes, a reader doesn't have to understand a poem to know that the person was trying to communicate something meaningful." I always hoped so, and goddamned if I aint happy you said it...seems like a ballsy stance to stand on its own, but the ideas behind this write might be recognized in that way on its best day...I am going through something meaningful but there are just not words to say it, yet that instinct to work it out on paper is equally if not more powerful.
prob confused myself... I thank you very much on your comments, gives me a vote of confidence as well as some things to think on...cheers!
20th Nov 2013 11:17pm
i like my coffee like i like my women.
str8 black with lots of sugar....................
str8 black with lots of sugar....................
21st Nov 2013 12:43pm
Anonymous
3rd Dec 2013 5:47am
I really love this... "how coffee tastes/on the other side" something about that line hooked me! Awesome writing.
3rd Dec 2013 9:58am
