deepundergroundpoetry.com
forever dull
As stars fade to black,
my dreams start to die,
holding the hope of my life,
not trying to be denied,
may god hold me in his ever great full embrace,
while my greatest fall takes place,
to be forever forgotten in this universe of epic adventures,
no more will i stand at this mountains rapture,
but end all this suffering that has started on my grand escape,
from this lonely night of misadventures.
my dreams start to die,
holding the hope of my life,
not trying to be denied,
may god hold me in his ever great full embrace,
while my greatest fall takes place,
to be forever forgotten in this universe of epic adventures,
no more will i stand at this mountains rapture,
but end all this suffering that has started on my grand escape,
from this lonely night of misadventures.
Published 10th Nov 2013
| Edited 11th Nov 2013
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Anonymous
10th Nov 2013 11:53am
In positive terms: I like the fact that the title fits in well with the subject matter. I also like the imagery in this piece. "No more will I stand at this mounatins rapture" is a great line, lyrically (though mountains needs an apostrophe).
In terms of construction: The end of every single line doesn't really need a comma, it doesn't really add anything to the piece. May I also suggest separating up the last line, so that this doesn't distract from the visual flow of the piece.
All of this is just my own honest opinion, of course.
Thank you for the read.
In terms of construction: The end of every single line doesn't really need a comma, it doesn't really add anything to the piece. May I also suggest separating up the last line, so that this doesn't distract from the visual flow of the piece.
All of this is just my own honest opinion, of course.
Thank you for the read.
