deepundergroundpoetry.com
Vacant Dreams
I hate these things
That cruel fate brings
Flying out from the pit
With flaming wings
Out of Pandora’s Box
It springs
Like a jack-in-the-box
From your darkest dreams
Where nobody can hear you scream
In my heart are many vacancies
That I fill with vacant dreams
These broken dreams are breaking me
Can someone please awaken me?
Fond memories escaping me
Your voice is gently raping me
Taking me to that vacant sea
Of lost and lonely vacant things
Why are people blaming me?
Their judging eyes are maiming me
Of my peace of mind there draining me
I’m sorry but there’s no taming me
Its plain to see
The pain in me
But its difficult explaining me
My friends have all forsaken me
They must have all mistaken me
For what they see
Isn’t actually me
But the darkness that has taken me
That cruel fate brings
Flying out from the pit
With flaming wings
Out of Pandora’s Box
It springs
Like a jack-in-the-box
From your darkest dreams
Where nobody can hear you scream
In my heart are many vacancies
That I fill with vacant dreams
These broken dreams are breaking me
Can someone please awaken me?
Fond memories escaping me
Your voice is gently raping me
Taking me to that vacant sea
Of lost and lonely vacant things
Why are people blaming me?
Their judging eyes are maiming me
Of my peace of mind there draining me
I’m sorry but there’s no taming me
Its plain to see
The pain in me
But its difficult explaining me
My friends have all forsaken me
They must have all mistaken me
For what they see
Isn’t actually me
But the darkness that has taken me
Published 21st Jan 2011
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21st Jan 2011 9:00am
the first three verses were really good- caught my attention and made me want to read more, but all the "me" rhyming kind of put me off after V3. it definitely has potential, maybe if you compact the feelings, take out some "me"s? not that they weren't rhythmically and technically well put, there are just too many in my opinion. i think it has great potential if you can compact it a little more. just my opinion, of course, and i'm no expert so take it or leave it. [:
21st Jan 2011 9:55am
wow i haddnt really noticed untill now but the poem kinda wont work without em but i really apreciate your input ill keep that in mind on mynext poems
