thoughts at 2 am
The existential crisis of a college student is normal. It is expected. It is common. Everyone tries to prepare you for it. But no matter how in love you are with existential philosophy or nihilism or general pondering about the meaning of life and your purpose in the world...you are never prepared for the reevaluation of life brought on by moving out of your house, having to interact with a bunch of new people, while forcing yourself through freshmen level classes that feel like high school all over again but without the really cool teachers that made nerdy jokes or played guitar or made constant classic rock references.
There is something about facing an alien situation that makes you more self-aware than you ever were before. truly. it's an opportunity to analyze all of the insecurities and quirks and emotional dysfunctions that developed while you were suffering through junior high and high school. it's an opportunity to assess how you approach risks. it's an opportunity to discover what makes you passionate.
i am dual majoring in james madison (a political science college at my university) and genetics. and just basically reevaluating this decision hardcore. i want to save the world. i want to kick cancer's ass. i want to do anything and everything.
but maybe i don't want to do these things the way i had always envisioned. i want to study genetics because DNA is fascinating and the world on a molecular level is fucking rad. did you know that there are cells in your immune system that literally kill foreign invaders BY FUCKING ENGULFING THEM?! How cool is that?
And I dream of engineering viruses specifically designed to beat cancer, although i don't know enough about diseases, viruses, or the immune system (or anything really) at this point in my life. and i dream of studying international relations and discovering a way to tie international policy and a global understanding into disease research. or dammit just because i love learning about the politics of other countries and i want to know more about other cultures. i want to know the world. maybe i'm just trying to piece together the earth culture by culture because i'm hoping a great meaning will exist if the world is whole and connected rather than just broken pieces of countries and lost souls. (don't judge me it's two am i'm caffienated emotionally drained and too lazy to correct spelling errors, plus i suspect no one reads these anyway so i can be as pseudo-philosophical as i want to be)
...but what really makes me feel so passionate and that i just can carry on about with a voice full of life that reminds you of a loud little kid on christmas is photography. and writing. and maybe you don't have to be spectacular at either of those things to love them. and maybe i should take some philosophy classes and photography classes as soon as possible so i can try to see what i want from them.
maybe i should correct typos and spelling errors
maybe i should organize my life the way that good authors organize sentences--with a few rule breaking here and there, but with an artistic purpose and plan in mind
or maybe i should just keep sitting on a lofted bed with my computer, watching netflix, doing algebra homework that is too easy for me even though i fail every quiz, and berating myself for not studying for my chemistry exam.
when did 18 become so fucking old?