Snakes and Ladders

A cautionary tale for all would-be gardeners, do gooders et al


There I was folks peacefully mowing me lawn for the last time this summer when the electric cable supplying the mower somehow managed to get itself caught under the blades. Severed it was and all badly chewed up at the end and thrown behind me.

Well ah were reet confused at first I can tell thee I stood scratching me ‘ead fer a bit trying t’ figure what ‘ad gone wrong like. Stepping back from me dead machine I found out what were wrong as ah stood on the shredded electric wire. The shock sent me crashing into the window cleaner’s ladder, he let go a sort of strangled yelp and sailed reet over the garden fence.

Talk about a lucky bugger his fall were broken by the roof of my neighbour’s greenhouse; well the lad ‘ad a few lacerations like but nowt that a blood transfusion wouldn't cure.

Now me neighbour John, ‘e’s a bit of a humourless git, come out of ‘is 'ouse to see what were up. He went bloody wild at the window cleaner ‘cos he’d flattened his best tomato plants and squashed all the tomatoes he were showin’ that weekend at the harvest festival show. John has won first prize these last three years and were expecting to do it again.I think it were that that might have upset 'im a bit.

‘Bloody sabotage’ he yelled and started jumping up and down, by god he were fair spitting feathers. He grabbed a plant pot and started clouting the window cleaner round the ‘ead with it. The poor bloody window cleaner were crying and wailing and trying to explain it weren't his fault like but John weren’t listening so I grabbed one of his broken bamboo tomato poles and give ‘im a swift jab in the arse just to get his attention tha’ knows. I’m not a gardener, how the ‘ell was I to know broken bamboo is razor sharp? I weren’t being nasty or owt.

Ah said ‘hey oop John lad don’t take on so, tha’ can allus fry ‘em up for thee breakfast like.’ Well ah were only trying to be helpful, there were no need to thump me too.

All this noise and kerfuffle attracted the attention of the missus who, up ‘til that time, had been quietly knitting me a willie warmer fer a Christmas present out of an old ball of string she’d found on the rubbish tip.

‘What the ‘ell’s ‘appening ‘ere?’ says she picking up the mower wire and walking through the broken fence. Well when she saw the window cleaner laying in the greenhouse covered in blood she remembered doing first aid years ago.’ Hold that a minute’ she said handing John the wire.

There were a big blue flash and a bang and John went flying though his garage window and knocked over a big pillar drill that fell off the bench and landed with an almighty bang on the bonnet of the vintage car he’d just finished restoring.

The missus stood staring with her gob open for a second then whacked me around the ear hole as hard as she could. ‘What the ‘ell were that fer?’ I wailed.

‘That could have been me yer feckless owd fart’ she snapped ‘you should ‘ave switched the bloody power off.’

John’s piercing scream caused his wife Joan to leave her ironing and dash down to see what was going on. Well she screamed too and ran into the garage to where John was on his knees clutching his broken ribs and looking at his vintage car. He were sobbing hysterically for some reason, some folk are very easily upset you know.

Well you know what youngsters are like now-a-days no work ethic at all so I thought the window cleaner had probably better take the rest of the day off and maybe have the ambulance folk look him over to be on the safe side so I went into the house to ring ‘em. As I was ringing ‘em I noticed smoke pouring out of an upstairs window in John’s house. Ah said ‘Oh and can yer send the fire brigade as well please next door seems to be afire.’

Apparently when Joan had heard John scream she’d dived down stairs from her workroom but she’d left the hot iron on a nylon shirt she’d been ironing and it had caught light. I must say the emergency services were there real quick. Whilst the ambulance folk were applying pressure to the window cleaner’s scratches, sorting the slight compound fracture of his left femur and getting a drip into him the firemen turned up.

Not one’s for talking first and acting later those fire lads. The front door were locked so they took an axe to it and battered it down to run in a hose. It were a real pity ‘cos the front door were a reet posh ‘un, brand new it were and made out of solid polished oak. I believe it had cost John and Joan over fifteen hundred pounds just the week before, shame really.

Well I watched the firemen until they came out of John’s house again and the guy at the fire engine shut the pump down. I were proper impressed with the speed they’d sorted the fire so I run across to tell ‘em. Now unfortunately in my enthusiasm to deliver my praise and admiration I tripped over the damned fire hose and went arse over tit into the lad controlling the pump. He shot his hand out to save himself as we fell and his hand caught the pump lever.

Lots of things happened all at once after that. The fire engine's revs went berserk, the hosepipe instantly filled with water which shot out of the end causing it to start thrashing wildly like a giant snake gone mad.

Now this in itself wouldn't have been too bad as it only knocked a couple of firemen off their feet and wet them a bit. However the paramedics chose that very moment to appear round the side of house wheeling the window cleaner down the rather steep drive to the ambulance with him strapped to the stretcher, gurney thingy.

The hose took the legs from under the lady pushing the damn gurney thingy and off it shot down the drive with the strapped on window cleaner screaming his head off. Again he had incredible good luck as the bus driver saw him just in time and managed to swerve across the road missing him by inches and hitting the ambulance instead shunting it into the fire engine with a hell of a bang. Fortunately the gurney managed to stop when it hit the curbstone on the opposite side of the road and tipped up on its end. I found out later that the window cleaner didn't have a fractured skull before that happened but, hey, it could have been worse tha knows.

At this point it all got a bit too much for me and our lass we ran in the house and hid under the bed ‘til the shouting died down and the people off the bus had been treated by the fleet of ambulances that attended. I said to policeman taking the statement ‘well bounce my bollocks on a bloody baseball bat, it was damn lucky the ambulance was already there because the paramedic who’s been knocked over had her broken ankle seen to straight away.

John and Joan’s 'ouse were in a right state ‘an no mistake, the smoke had damaged all John’s decorating which he’d just had done and the water ruined the bedroom carpet. It also brought down the kitchen ceiling and buggered up their nice kitchen units as well as completely wrecking their electrical system.

We did offer to put them up for the night but they both refused muttering something about they’d feel safer sleeping in a mine field. Very harsh attitude I thought.

The window cleaner was out of intensive care after a couple of weeks but, although he’s well on the mend and will be discharged soon, he says he has given up window cleaning for good leaving me with dirty windows the rotten sod, after me calling the ambulance for him as well. No gratitude some folk.

Post Script:

All this happened a month ago and now John and Joan won’t speak to us and have put their house on the market.

The local papers exaggerated the whole affair as usual saying that damage amounting to half a million had been done and not all compensation claims have been finalized yet.

As a result no one will call and clean me windows or cut me lawn so I was wondering would you mind coming round this weekend to give us a hand?