deepundergroundpoetry.com
Country western or old black and white?
The chairman's day to step down is near,
still whistling lies in my pale, soft ear, never accepting defeat.
The warrior with glock, knife and wound is
cacooned, in your fresh, dress rehersal.
I play my part, whether it be western or black and white,
"Never fight." That's what my mother told me.
My dalliance with your fierce eyes.
The ties that bound us together now tear us apart.
Could you not have warned me from the start?
The emotional battle you'd conjure within me,
to see, like testing on a rat, what pushed me too far.
To say I missed our ancient plays, understatement.
"Stay." How I wish I had not whispered that at the door,
those chocolate pupils bore into me, like I was the new child at school.
I knew I had to let it go
even though, I knew, we were acting.
Whether it be country western or old black and white
you cannot expect me to not miss you tonight,
or any other night,
too comfortable in your presence, keep the cameras rolling
a little longer,'fore I'm left in my solitude again, poets for company.
Few more lines before you and I finish the play.
So much, unscripted, I will never say.
You can judge me for rhyming, for speaking this way.
All I know is I am confused at the end - of the day.[/font]
still whistling lies in my pale, soft ear, never accepting defeat.
The warrior with glock, knife and wound is
cacooned, in your fresh, dress rehersal.
I play my part, whether it be western or black and white,
"Never fight." That's what my mother told me.
My dalliance with your fierce eyes.
The ties that bound us together now tear us apart.
Could you not have warned me from the start?
The emotional battle you'd conjure within me,
to see, like testing on a rat, what pushed me too far.
To say I missed our ancient plays, understatement.
"Stay." How I wish I had not whispered that at the door,
those chocolate pupils bore into me, like I was the new child at school.
I knew I had to let it go
even though, I knew, we were acting.
Whether it be country western or old black and white
you cannot expect me to not miss you tonight,
or any other night,
too comfortable in your presence, keep the cameras rolling
a little longer,'fore I'm left in my solitude again, poets for company.
Few more lines before you and I finish the play.
So much, unscripted, I will never say.
You can judge me for rhyming, for speaking this way.
All I know is I am confused at the end - of the day.[/font]
Published 17th Jan 2011
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Anonymous
17th Jan 2011 12:24pm
This reminds me somewhat of Nancy Sinatra's famous song "My Baby Shot Me Down." Besides a few strange punctuation choices*, this is a strong and moving piece.
*"The ties, that bound us together now tear us apart." Do you need a comma after ties? For me it interrupts the flow.
*"To say I missed our ancient plays,/"Stay," how I wish I had not whispered that at the door." The syntax here confused me a bit I think there should be a full stop after "plays" and "Stay," and "To say I missed" should be changed to something like "How I missed," to make it more a complete sentence.
*"Not saying that's wrong just as ironic as a loved worm, in the house,/or a mouse." This line seems rambling and unecessary.
Aside from these changes, as I said, this is a moving piece, creating an eloquent snapshot of childhood, clearly defined and powerful.
*"The ties, that bound us together now tear us apart." Do you need a comma after ties? For me it interrupts the flow.
*"To say I missed our ancient plays,/"Stay," how I wish I had not whispered that at the door." The syntax here confused me a bit I think there should be a full stop after "plays" and "Stay," and "To say I missed" should be changed to something like "How I missed," to make it more a complete sentence.
*"Not saying that's wrong just as ironic as a loved worm, in the house,/or a mouse." This line seems rambling and unecessary.
Aside from these changes, as I said, this is a moving piece, creating an eloquent snapshot of childhood, clearly defined and powerful.
As always, thank you Jack :) I think I've made changes correctly. :) I haven't slept for two days and I'm like a zombie. Most of my thoughts at the moment string together and make little sense.
