Chaos Theory

Well this morning the missus says she fancies a walk in the country so off we went to the bus stop. I said 'Hey oop our lass there's a big red bus coming.'
 
'Nay lad' she says 'I want a little green 'un.' Well that perked me sense of fun so I hawks one up from the back of me nasal cavity and flobbed it into me the palm of me hand and offered it to her. There it lay all snot green and gold quivering and steaming like a freshly cooked oyster. The old girl standing next to us took one look and promptly threw up all over her husband's new coat. He started shouting at her and twatting her with his walking stick.
 
Ah tells yer the Missus kicked off big style calling me all sorts o’ vile, names. While this were goin' on the bus came and the driver, seeing the altercation, drove straight past us. I can’t say I blame him.
 
The old couple left to have a bath him carrying 'is coat over his shoulder on the end of his stick and 'er rubbin' her bruises. They wos muttering sommat chronic they wos and I settled down to half an hour's ear ache from the wife 'til the next bus came; some folk have no darn sense of humour.  
 
When we got t' this ‘ere village the level crossing were shut fer a train t' go through and we stood quietly by the rail chatting to this lady with a dog. Up the road rode this girl on her horse and waited like us then a car came behind her and stopped.  
 
All was peaceful and serene until this idiot on a motor bike rode up revving like mad and blasted his way the front of the queue. This startled the horse and it lashed out backwards smashing the car's headlight. Out got the motorist and started yelling at the girl on the horse poor sod. The lady we'd been talking to had witnessed what had happened and handed me her dog lead whilst she went to explain to the irate motorist.
 
Things were getting real heated and I thought the motorist chap was getting out of order so I tied the dog to the fence and went to calm the bugger down. Throughout all this excitement the dog was barking and jumping up and down wanting to defend his owner.
Anyway I managed to calm the bloke down a bit by gently gripping his windpipe and shoving him back into his car.
 
In the meantime the train passed and the dog went quiet. Not the owner though she ran screaming to the man in the signal box 'cos I'd accidentally tied the animal to the barrier and there it was dangling by its lead kicking like mad and making awful choking noises, not looking at all 'appy it weren't.
 
The guy in the signal box looked horrified and dived back inside to lower the barrier again as fast as he could. The trouble was the motorist and the lad on the bike had started to move off and the barrier came crashing down on the car and the daft bugger on the bike rode face first into it and went flying backwards off his machine and lay there groaning.  As his bike slid across the crossing the fuel cap came off and the sparks that were flying from its underside ignited the spilling fuel and up it went with a terrific whoosh.  
 
 
This terrified the already spooked horse and it bolted down the railway line with its rider hanging desperately round its neck shrieking for help. The motorist completely lost the plot he leapt out of his car screaming like a banshee and started kicking seven sorts o' shite out of the biker.
 
As me and our lass slipped surreptitiously away the dog lady was hugging her hound and howling hysterically the signalman was staring down on the scene white faced and open mouthed like he was about to go mad.
 
I said to the missus ‘Well bugger me backwards with a broken beer bottle we’ve only been in the village five minutes and we’ve been caught up in a riot. I’m damn glad I don’t live in this place it’s bloody chaotic.’
 
It's been on the local T.V. news would you believe and the police looking for me to ‘assist them with their enquiries’ as they say. I wos wondering could I come and stay with you until things quieten down please?