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deepundergroundpoetry.com
im haunted
The water beats down upon my face melding with my tears
The steam making my world foggy and unclear
i still feel his harsh kiss on my lips
The only thing i can feel anymore
Im so numb cold and hardened to the outside world
but the tears just keep falling in a never ending waterfall
I still feel his cold hands on my hips
I dont want to see the bruises upon my arms
Still feel his warm breath upon my neck
Still feel so invaded upon
Guted open like a hunted animal
Tears are gone nothing left inside me the shower runs cold
im no longer a girl
sweet and innocent and young
but now a woman with the truth that people can hurt with no thought at all
The steam making my world foggy and unclear
i still feel his harsh kiss on my lips
The only thing i can feel anymore
Im so numb cold and hardened to the outside world
but the tears just keep falling in a never ending waterfall
I still feel his cold hands on my hips
I dont want to see the bruises upon my arms
Still feel his warm breath upon my neck
Still feel so invaded upon
Guted open like a hunted animal
Tears are gone nothing left inside me the shower runs cold
im no longer a girl
sweet and innocent and young
but now a woman with the truth that people can hurt with no thought at all
Published 23rd Sep 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 1
comments 2
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
great this is very good... I liked it..u have put me through ur emotional roller coaster. I consider this as one of the most painful poetry that i have read in a while. this for sure going into my reading list...
cyanide
cyanide
Anonymous
8th Aug 2015 11:54am
Came here via your request for feedback on the forum.
The idea is good, and I believe this was written with good intentions. However, the write does seem to suffer a little from the lack of punctuation. A few line breaks would also help digest the images here a little easier. The piece is also ridden with spelling and grammar mistakes which I have fixed below for you. There are some good images in here as well however: the face melding with tears is a good example of this. May I suggest reading some of the wealth of dark poetry on this site and learn a few tips and tricks from them to apply to your own writing. We never stop learning at the end of the day :)
The water beats down upon my face melding with my tears
The steam making my world foggy and unclear
i still feel his harsh kiss on my lips < capital letter on the I
The only thing i can feel anymore < capital letter on the I
Im so numb cold and hardened to the outside world < apostrophe on I'm
but the tears just keep falling in a never ending waterfall
I still feel his cold hands on my hips
I dont want to see the bruises upon my arms < apostrophe on don't
Still feel his warm breath upon my neck
Still feel so invaded upon
Guted open like a hunted animal < gutted instead of guted
Tears are gone nothing left inside me the shower runs cold
im no longer a girl < apostrophe and capital letter on I'm
sweet and innocent and young
but now a woman with the truth that people can hurt with no thought at all
Thank you for the read.
The idea is good, and I believe this was written with good intentions. However, the write does seem to suffer a little from the lack of punctuation. A few line breaks would also help digest the images here a little easier. The piece is also ridden with spelling and grammar mistakes which I have fixed below for you. There are some good images in here as well however: the face melding with tears is a good example of this. May I suggest reading some of the wealth of dark poetry on this site and learn a few tips and tricks from them to apply to your own writing. We never stop learning at the end of the day :)
The water beats down upon my face melding with my tears
The steam making my world foggy and unclear
i still feel his harsh kiss on my lips < capital letter on the I
The only thing i can feel anymore < capital letter on the I
Im so numb cold and hardened to the outside world < apostrophe on I'm
but the tears just keep falling in a never ending waterfall
I still feel his cold hands on my hips
I dont want to see the bruises upon my arms < apostrophe on don't
Still feel his warm breath upon my neck
Still feel so invaded upon
Guted open like a hunted animal < gutted instead of guted
Tears are gone nothing left inside me the shower runs cold
im no longer a girl < apostrophe and capital letter on I'm
sweet and innocent and young
but now a woman with the truth that people can hurt with no thought at all
Thank you for the read.
