life and death

sun 12.30 am 24th feb 2013

my mum has just died of cancer
i am not really sure how i feel about that, sad, yes
kinda confused, as to what it all means, in the great plan
if there is such a thing, god isnt with me, isnt he supposed to be
in times like this, when people are hurting most,  by there side
i dont feel him anywhere near me, i feel alone, as always
me and my mum were never close, well not in a cuddle kind of way
i always wanted us to be, but mabye i needed more than she had to give
or mabye we both just didnt know how to show our true feelings
circumstances of life wouldnt allow it

my sister and brothers all cried, when she died
they were all there at her side, i wasnt, my own choice
didnt want to be part of the greiving group, i cope better alone
i am not known for opening up to people, especially
when it comes to my emotions, i have lost the only mother i will ever have
i am not sure how that is supposed to affect me, i stil feel like me
like i did before, i always feel like me, alone, at a distance
from everyone else,  sometimes i am just cold, in body and emotion
did i ever have feelings and emotions,
or did someone steal them away,

i try to cling to things, that means something to me
i am not sure in what way, i tried to cling to my kids
life messed that one up, circumstances again
i wonder, would it matter what happened in my life
will i ever think and feel any differantly, loving the dark, being alone
gazing far beyond , what my eyes are looking at, searching for a sign
but for what, a reason for my life,

i felt a twinge of mother son emotion, just a few days before
my mum died, while holding her hand
it was a feeling i didnt think i was capable of, it had never been there before
i cried, not sure why, shock mabye, a reality check, someone
or something, telling me i do have a heart, and it can be hurt still

i thought my walls were too high for those kind of emotions to get over
my doors too well locked, but my mum in her dying days
did break through, with just a touch of her hand,
i was alone with her, so i just sat and chatted, as you do
about love and life, expectations, dissapointments, feelings
when i cried , she would squeeze my hand, as if she knew i was hurting
the moment touched me, lifted a life time of darkness, showed me love
then a few days later she was dead, i would never have that experience
again with her, i wanted more, just to know what i felt was real
but a small boney cold hand, is all i have , thats my memory
of my mother, and a spark of love between us, that i didnt think exsisted

she is gone, i am here, stil gazing far beyond, still alone, still distant
my only after thought is i at least know she loved me
that i know to be true, so love can visit me, and stay a while
my wife and step children love me, they always have, and i them
i cling to them for life and love, they never dissapoint me
it warms my heart,makes me feel like i belong
mother thank you for that precious moment,
it will stay with me forever

may you rest in peace