thinking of you and what to do

striving to live and breathe
while addicted i still believe
in god in love in trust and honor
i dont let what i ingest define me
times are tight life is empty
darkness all over and around no light
i give up on being with you
im too tired and strung out
i think ill kick see what realities about
i gave up myself i gave up all i needed
so that you dont go without
and i sit here trying my hardest
not to have doubt meanwhile
you sit in confidence that ill provide
while out here ive struggled and tried
i try not to let what others say
even pretend im not offended
swallowing the lumps of bile and my pride
i just want to lash out smash shit talking mouths
then run and cry quietly in the showe
r in darkness and hide
but this volcano of pain
threatens to erupt
inside the sickness contaminating
every bit of my soul
the agony unbearable like
masturbating with hot coal
emotions come to the surface in a way
thats out of my control
i guess im through what more could i say
this is what i sleep with at night
this growing hatred tucks me in bed
but these are words that ive never said
atleast out loud stay positive
keep all the negative in my head
so i pray to god to cover my mouth
so i dont defend my bad thoughts
and i keep being patient keep holding on
until tomorrow when all hope is gone