the feelings

it was a feeling I'd never gotten with anyone else
something ancient yet new at the same time
I think it was love, but not the romantic kind, the bonds of friendship and siblings last forever kind.
but I don't think it was just love breaking into the caverns of my thumping heart
it felt like acceptance too, and the feeling of finally telling someone the whole truth about myself, baring my soul, my weaknesses my mind. no lies to cloud vision or double meanings, no shadows and dark corners.
and pain, so much pain opening a body never touched before, scraping the bottom, shedding light everywhere. blinding hopefully.
crying and wondering could this really be me. it hurt so bad
but i felt so good
i experienced true happiness and achieved realization too
well, maybe not achieving it, but i could see it almost reach it.
then everything vanished when i had come to the full realization that you weren't coming back.
just like that those months of happiness, and love dissapeared.
Snapped back shut quicker than you could imagine but at the same time so raw and exposed
this near death aching feeling nearly killed me, but not really.
I would miss your words so much it physically hurt.
I still can't accept the fact that you've died.
so much guilt consumed me,because I hadn'ttold you everything and i was scared that if I told you you would turn your back on me and walk away
I was scared because you were the only person I trusted with so much of myself, my thoughts, my feelings my words...