Onwards

Battle cry and warning...life is not for the faint of heart....

That's right, turtle, life is more difficult than death.

ahh, Takti

you've put this together really nice, the two of them merged is really clever.

I especially like the language you use in the couplets and the whole piece looks very well too.

I'd be thinking this one is another step in your ongoing evolution and tip my cap to such.

shine on Miss  

Wow, Craic, thanks for the comments and list add. I'm pleased you've taken a shine to my latest effort.

:)

i like this.. but a suggestion, maybe,
if you had blended both the messages into each other, weave them into one poem reflecting 2 perspectives but also not switching/shifting between them (like they were seperate), but simply one and the same thing.
that would have been marvelous and on the top of my list.

that's something you could do to this... or maybe the next write ;)
good one.

Ah, Dennis, that's a good idea, and probably this thought was there, but I didn't quite capture that blending of which you speak.

If I can, I will, but if not, then definitely the next write.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback.

Dark...Almost Melancholy...Feelings of Desperation

How much more difficult it truly is, to be faced with the tortureous struggles of the Mortal realm, than to join the ranks of Death's army...especially when one is forced to endure the suffering in the absence of a Life's partner.

Creatively clever format with this poem...the piece within the piece.  Finely-tuned technique,
my Friend!

Well, the parts in italics address any loved one, really, any two people that are close... relatives and friends too.

Many thanks for your kind words, Dark Enchantress...

Sad & poignant write, Atakti. Powerfully penned & gripped my interest. Enjoyed much! :-)

Peace
Carlene

Thank you, Carlene, I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

No choice Ataki...nice write with great imagery.

Strider!

Thanks, Strider!

A few good lines here, but not your best work, IMHO. It's a bit too loosely textured for my taste. I was going to say that several of your couplets are cliche as well, but looking back they're not really. The problem is that they're not supported by very strong imagery or narrative voice, so they sound stilted. Take this couplet:

"Behind, the ground crumbles,
breaking into the void."

Which ground? What is the void? Where does it lead? In the absence of details like this what we're left with is wisps of a tale never told. I kind of got the impression that it was an Orpheus-type story, where a loved one is dragged into the underworld, leaving behind a grief-stricken character.
I don't want to be too negative. You're a good writer, which is why I'm bothering to give you honest critique, and this has the bones of a great poem, but you need to add meat to those bones. I'm not suggesting that you write the next Odyssey; just try creating a few more unique images. This is all, of course, JMHO, so feel free to ignore the stuffy douche that is me. Thank you for the read.

Mmmm, yes, this may very well need a revisit.

Thanks, Jack, for pointing out the weak spots.

A loved one dragged into the underworld - well, that's an idea, I must say (not the one here, but never mind). I will THINK.

:)

I found my anger (when it was at its worse) was more my downfall than my shield. We have to keep moving.

A wonderful write Atakti. :)

I don't know if my anger has reached its worst yet... I'll keep that in mind.

Thanks, Magdalena!

Flesh and bone trudge time’s trail,
and time is no ally.

True words Atakti, great write. Sadness bleeds thru the page while reading, or atleast it did for me. Thanks for sharing.

Good to see you, Doc.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Many thanks, Kasupuu!

anger and grief are poor shields for up coming blows

Love that verse and so true for both this world and the next.

Enjoyed this Ataki

G

Knowing it's true doesn't make it easy, does it?

Thanks, G.

Man dig this... Really loved this, reread it a few times... not sure, maybe am just high, or drunk; however, what me got out of it is, being wounded in love, we keep on going, in love no matter what like a war... for when if we stop loving, or lose ALL hope, then we will completely die in love, which is the first death into the void... Was I high, you can tell me, hehehe... o.0

Thank you for your thoughts, deadwolf. It is about losing those we love, and carrying on. Whether we lost them to death, or whether it is us that feel we have died inside, I suppose the poem might allow for a flexible interpretation.

I dunno if you were high, man, whatever floats your boat.  

:)

You know you're good when you get so many reactions and comments. I enjoyed the raw strife of your poem. Weaving the contrary lines within made me feel the passion and vulnerability of you.

Thank you, jakehammer, for your comments.

Welcome to DU! I look forward to reading your work.

Always had/have moments when I don't wanna fight anymore, then I snap out of it becuz life indeed hard n dyin is soooodamn easy n coppin out ain't me... Deep ink my friend

Thank you for the words, poetikmind, appreciate it...

Atakti this is a beautiful poem. The quiet message is very moving and cleverly laced into the main structure. The contrast in the voice of war and peace, I think was necessary for this poem.

I'm pleased you like it. Thank you, Case, for your kind words.

I Love This! Is It About Losing Someone? Or Maybe Yourself? Either Way The Point Shines Through, We Must March Onward. Great Poem Atakti

Losing those we love... Death knocks on every door, so we need to figure out how to deal with it.

The losses make it difficult, but not impossible.

Thanks for your comments, Steven

GREAT

Well, thank you!

I'm pleased you like it, Jack Tex.

Welcome to DU!