Did I Do This to Myself?

If I could have entire day
during which I feel completely like myself
I would feel blessed

I suppose I should feel blessed for
the family I have,
the roof over my head,
my health insurance
but when you feel empty
even the pills you put in your mouth to appreciate life
seem like a waste of money

Yes, I am  . . .
well I was gonna say sad
but I think numbed and emotionally confused would better describe

Describe the moment when I sit in the bath
and I am bombarded by thoughts that pierce my heart
and draw those nasty tears

"You are a worthless bitch"

"You are disturbed beyond repair"

"People don't love you, they pity you"

To call my advisor to register for fall classes
seems like it would kill me
The idea of being in a place where I have to assert myself
with a confidently fake smile
scares me to death

I don't want to sing at my church
Hahaha
I am suppose to get up
on stage
sing in front of over 100 people
and pretend I am happy
(I can't even get out of the bed in the morning)

I have spent so long trying to be happy, pretending
I forgot what it actually feels like to be myself
and to be ok with that
How could I do this to myself?