2:25

I've been meaning to write for a while;
Keep you guys in the know. You know?
But I don't really know what to say.

That the ocean is healing my soul?
That I've turned a new, brighter leaf and quit smoking?
But neither of those things are true.

Wish I could report I had a lot of new, interesting friends to vent to,
That way I wouldn't have to put all my crazy eggs of thought into one basket, or four.

Wish I knew someone with a basket strong enough to hold all my crazy think-bombs.
What a lame thing to say.

I like to talk myself into thinking I'm maturing into someone okay.
But really, I'm still smoking a rat out of my sober mind or whatever. Which translates to, I'm still wasting everyone's time by opening my mouth to speak. I don't even have an excuse why I'm still doing it. I just do, every day, so often. I'm wasting your oxygen, babe.

God, my father would be so disappointed.

Mom opened up another box the other day; she has an endless supply of them. I think. Just boxes containing things about my Dad or things he used or bought. This one had my baby clothes. He had bought me a shirt from nearly every state. Reckon I will give them to my kids.
In ten hundred years.
And an outfit declaring me "Future President".

Me.

Poor dad. Please don't be turning in your grave.


I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm hoping nobody reads it. It's just good to say things sometimes. Or, type, whatever. I can say anything I want and I will look back on this in a year and think how disgusting I am right now.
That is horrifying.

The other day my mom asked me how I had fucked so many guys and broken all their hearts and not felt a thing.
But I can't tell my mom how much I felt something
Every.
Single.
Time.

And my childhood crush, he thinks he will marry me.

I adore him. But I'm not ready for that for like ten years.
I can't promise him my eternal love.
Why should he ask me for it right now....

And this new fucking school.

I don't belong here; these people are so different.
People are strange.
And I'm strange.

And the girls, they are so beautiful. Not that I am sexually attracted to everyone. I'm very, very not. I just... compete with that, you know?

And I don't even know. Who I am, where I'm going, what I'm gonna do. I don't even want to know right now....