Bereft of Home

Hi Atakti
Very well written
A good read
Demonstrates talent and craftsmanship
Peace
Kitty

Many thanks, Kitty, for your comments!

This is a little more powerful and raw than your usual style, I keep finding new emotions and meanings everytime I read it, the mark of a truly great poem in my opinion. It's like reading about a tiny sandy island built of hope for a better tommorow and dreams of true happiness being eroded by the surrounding cold seas of reality, and no matter where you try and hide, you can always hear the loneliness. Pretentious comment over, enjoyed this one very much :)

Oh, hey, I liked your analogy. Cheers, Dystopian!

:)

This is a good poem, the subject yearning for escape from an opressive force yet being constantly dragged back "home".  And a truth that brings the fantasy down.  So much mystery!  Left me wanting to know how the conflict ended.  But it might not ever.

Mike, you're closer to the mystery than most. Thank you.

felt you here ataki...nice write

Cheers, Mr Striderrrrrrrr

An interesting poem for sure. You have a strong sense of voice and language. I'll give critiquing this a go, though.

I definitely found the meaning of the title to be the meaning of the poem, as the speaker doesn't seem to feel a sense of home or security. That much is evident and done really well. However, I do have an issue with the ambiguous "you" in the poem, as most of the poem is centered around speaker, while "you" simply pulls a few cameos. I get the sense that the "you" (possibly on old lover or something that hurt the speaker deeply) is likely the central reason for the speaker's insecurity, but it's all very vague. I might think about eliminating "you" altogether and focusing on the speaker, or bringing "you" to life a bit more.

There's just a conflict with "you" because the speaker is so self-deprecating, but also calling his/herself manipulative and a liar, and yet also saying "you" is the cause of the pain. It just needs to be ironed out a bit.

I also wasn't sure about some of the word-choices in this poem. They felt a bit contrived at times. For example:

"carefully fabricated unreal"

That just seems like it's trying too hard. If you had just said "the unreal," it would've meant the same thing to me. The implicit deceit that comes with the word "fabricated" is already present in the tone of the poem.

Also:

"I hoped to expel you with my omissions"

It almost seems like "omissions" was placed here instead of the word "lies," based on context, and they're not quite the same thing.

Regardless, it was still a very interesting poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!

Bay

Thanks, Bayleigh, for the deconstruction.

I'm quite happy with the mystery of "you". I have left a clue to identifying "you" in the title, but anyone wanting a straightforward answer can PM me. I may just be in a generous mood and give the low down.

"Omissions" are another form of lying, and that is exactly what I meant. I'll be keeping that word, but thanks for your thoughts.

I appreciate the time you took for this feedback. Cheers!

I know what "omission" means. My point was that it's very specific and there's no context for it, or for the other vague parts that I mentioned. Vague does not equal poetic in my personal opinion.  
 
Not that the poem was bad. I enjoyed it. I just don't understand why so many people try to be ambiguous on purpose. I think it's less effective that way.

Ambiguous because it's personal, because some like a sense of mystery, because the writer is still working things out. There are many reasons why...

I have written other poems where I was completely straightforward, but that method didn't feel right here. I wrote this one because I wanted to, not because I aimed for effective writing as defined by anyone.

Thanks again.

I thought this was like a dark version of some fairy tales (fe hansel and gretel), the bread crumbs...trying to find your way home from a darkness...much symbolism to be read in it.
And the two voices are, I think an outer and an inner voice....
Really like the atmosphere, Ataki

Mourganna, what do we do when home is gone? Thanks very much for stopping by.

:)

Some words and phrases which could be cut: "on me" and "over" (just "abundance" will do) in S1, "carefully" in S2, and "meagre" in S3 (I get that you're going for an internal rhyme with "eager", but that doesn't add much).
Also, could your last stanza be omitted? "I fought and you grew stronger" ("stronger" having been moved up a line) would be a subtler, more moving close, I think. S4 is my favourite, anyway, because it's so quietly insightful and profound. The line "home is within, and inside is bare" suddenly clarifies everything which came before.
"I hoped to expel you with my omissions" made me giggle at first because I saw "emissions" and thought of farting, but I include this only as a silly observation. It's my immaturity at fault, not your work!
My critique is JMHO. Please feel free to completely disregard it. My desire to give you in-depth critique was inspired by how good this poem is and can be. Thank you for the read.

Ooh, you're always trying to cut whole stanzas, especially ending ones. LOL.

Thank you, Jack, for helping me to trim. I'll get on it in a minute.

I like the last stanza, it stays. Onwards and upwards, next poem will be better, one hopes.

As for "emissions"... *sigh*

Cheers, man.

oh lovely! a shadow and a clone talking to each other... or something more sinister.

Sinister is my middle name. Thanks, 13.

I found this quite profound with much of a deeper meaning.

Great write Atakti.

Thank you, Magdalena, dear.

:)

Oh, hello, magic Hippo. Nice to see you here.

Thank you very much for your comments.

Wicked Deep Atakti--lovely Writing style indeed!!!

Too kind, Soul, as always.

:)

Gabriel, how lovely to see you.

:)

I like that line too...

"carefully fabricated unreal" feels like an intricate web you built yourself Atakti... or perhaps you got yourself trapped in your own dark world.
 
And for me the last stanza rocked, sending shock waves down my spine.  
 
You know how much I enjoy picking up your fragments of imagery and piecing it back together again. I've read this poem half a dozen times since you've posted it. If you got me coming back for more, it must be something great.

Oh, your comments make my writing quill sing, Case. Thank you...

I  long to retreat into the comforts
of the carefully fabricated unreal ...
A pause will do, when you deny me a stay.

Haunting, though in some places familiar;
lots of depth to this.
Very well written :)

Thank you kindly, Scribbler!