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The Sermons of A Deacon Named Chesterfield Rambo III, episode 1

WICKED RANT #77: SEA BISCUITS AND WATER

Recently, upon discussing childhoods, a friend asked "Did you know you were poor? Were you hungry?"

yeah, i picked up we poor pretty quick. yeah, i was hungry. we ate rice and beans with ketchup a lot of the time. we'd walk across town with a shopping cart on the first and load up with welfare food: powdered milk, govn't cheese(which a lot of people who've never seen it reference in jokes), jello. one christmas eve, my mom was in jail, my dad was i don't know where, the electricity was shut off, and we were made cream cheese sandwiches on wonder bread by candlelight, by a "family friend" who would later OD, turn purple and die in our shower... BALLER! You get older, everybody wants to be cool. Listen to rap, rebel, feel the strife, be a buddhist, 99%. "and, now i owe $50,000 in student loans for my degree in interpretive dance, and there are no jobs, and i have to live in my parent's guesthouse because our government is wicked and exploits us common people!" whimper. tears.... fuck you, you act and sound all faggy. now, i'm not talkin' about everyone, of course. just 85-92% of the middle/upper class and their offspring. A nation of petulant, pragmatic children, acting and sounding the way they think an adult should act and sound. please, tell me about your opinion on the plight in africa, or the income gap, or immigration reform, or basic human rights, one more time. give me advice on how to tame these demons once more. it's what the world needs, it's what will save the world: this chorus, this cacophony of phony, effeminate, privileged simpletons railing about privilege and pseudo compassion and healthy living. It's honorable in a way, i guess. but not really- you really do want to know, and you think you do know what it's like to eat thanksgiving dinner at a church because it's free. you think you've overcome trials and tribulations, you think you've pulled yourself out of the darkness before. but, you never have and never will. you can't know, truly. abandonment, lost cuteness, lost potential. you want to own the cool parts and not deal with the painful, destructive parts. and, you get to. who needs self examination, selflessness, when the good times shower like a sweet summer rain; when there's always a hand when you stumble. when all of your flaws can never sink you. when there's always a net to catch you. yet, here you are: teachers, social workers, parents; looked on as the kind hearted, the wise, the hard workers, the compassionate, the pillars of society. and, here i am: seen as broken, weak, mad, a scurge, a menace. but, see, i was born the cutest and wisest among us. you're a shiny new Kia, I'm an aston martin in disrepair. it took an amazing amount of talent and ability.. and ethics. and love.. to get... here. so, it's funny. and stupid. i'm sorry, i just find it so very, very fuckin' funny and stupid. just be happy, enjoy your lot. plan your next trip to an island of brown people who you really understand and connect with and care so much about their future. i know, you tip well.. leave the social consciousness and bleeding heart to someone else. cuz, you're pie in the sky, and your form of idealism is base and patronizing, and betrays an obvious ignorance to how the gears turn. you sound better with your mouth closed.

-DyMc
Written by DylanThomasPirateM
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