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Happy Fatherless Day

I wrote a poem with the same title last year, same day.
But it had a crueler meaning.
I grew to not want to be around my father,
because of how he treated my mother.
So I ignored him.
And pretended that he was ignoring me still.
Like he did when I was a child.
And I wrote a poem.
Laced with anger.
And hatred.
For a man I didn't really know.
But now I write this poem.
For a different reason.
Because my father is not ignoring me.
Nor I ignoring him.
My father is gone.
As of last August.
There is still no grave.
And the ashes of my father's remains.
Are not in my possession.
But in my sister's that never bothered to visit him.
And so I am brought to standing in front of his bed.
Morphine dripping inside of his veins.
To stop the pain in his leg.
The leg they were going amputate.
But couldn't cause he got sick.
And now he's in too pain.
And they can't, they can't to it--
Tears slide down my cheeks.
As I am a little girl again.
My mother is trying to tell me to tell my dad how I really feel.
When he's not around to be with me.
But I freeze, and don't want to make Daddy sad.
But now I can't live in the way.
So I step close to the bed.
And I say:

"Daddy-- It's me, it's Annie.
I'm sorry I didn't come visit you sooner.
I was angry with you--"


I stop trying to fight tears.
Take a deep breath.
And than continue.

"You were never there for me really.
Not when I was little.
And that made it hard for us to be close,
when I got older.
And I love you.
And I always wanted to know you.
But I don't--
I don't know you.
And you don't know me.
I wish you did.
Because, my favorite color is purple.
Just like yours and I love you.
I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you recently!
But I tried so often before and you pushed me away.
I wish you hadn't drank so much.
Or went to a bar.
Or been so stubborn in the first place.
I love you and I don't want you to die!"


But he still did.
And I cried.
Staring at a wall.
Listening to music that I dedicated to my dad.
That not held a different meaning.

Now it's almost been one entire year.
And there is still grave to place flowers on.
The obituary in the paper was joke.
And the ashes are being held hostage by someone that does not deserve them.
And I am crying inside.
A little girl missing her daddy.
Maybe she didn't treat him so well in the end.
But she looked up to him as the moon and sun when she was little.
And I loved my dad.
No matter what anyone says I did.
I love him.
And I suffered more than anyone.
Because I was there for the drinking.
The trashing the house.
The fights between him and my mother.
I was there for the mood swings.
The anger when I was little.
And mellowing out when I got older.
The bars.
The friends.
The hitting and screaming.
I was there for the suicide threats.
And arguments in which my father wanted to really just protect me.
I was there for the Six Flags trips.
And the movies he watched.
I was there for Independence Day, Dutch, Bandits, Catch Me If You Can, and Code Art.
I was there for good things.
And the bad things just the same.

But I don't have the ashes.
Or something as reminder to this man.
Instead I have the memories that I will cherish forever.
I love you Daddy.
I'm sorry I didn't show it before.
Last year was not fatherless day, it was daughterless day.
And I'm sorry for that.
It's fatherless day this year for me.
Because you're not here for me to make last year up to you.
And say I'm sorry.
And I love you.
And I miss you.
And I wish you were here to see me and Gaige, your grandson.
I wish you were here.
And I'm sorry.
And what I really want to say,
even though it's kind of lame after all that has been said.

"Happy Father's Day, I love you Dad."
Written by Page_Writer (Mad Girl)
Published
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