fourth

fifth
i already said it
i spent all morning watching videos of you from a few years ago, just messing around with your friends
 
and what i would give now, just to have known you
then.
 
----
i sucked my fingers to sleep.
 
when i was jump start awoken by a hooded figure, which later was revealed to be only a friend in a black jacket.
 
i walked to the car alone, not because i had to, but because i wanted to.
 
i subconsciously put immense amounts of pinching pressure on my lower lip, while we watched the 90's styled videos that i had returned with. they were not my cars to go into, they were not my bags to take, and as for the tapes, they were not my memories to bare.
 
but this will forever be my burden
 
because what's happening off scenes, when you're not on frame
is far more for the coarse of hurting and i am wrecked with the curse of blame.
 
where was i, that exact day? on those nights? what was i doing? when all i wanted was to have known you then, been there, then. but that's just wishful thinking, i can't afford to pay for.
 
smells like summer, feels like summer, while i watched kids on my tv screen, play my favorite song for an entire week, that looked just like you used to,  
 
so so so
tall
 
the kid with the best groove
 
while my scabbed lips continue to bleed
 
i won't ask, so please don't tell.
 
the real fourth is that
my nasal passage feels weird, i'm still pretty certain this is my end of days, that's why i am just talking at you, i lost at all other things to do. i just don't ever want to be reminded of that feeling again, it comes and it goes, but i always know, it's chasing me everywhere.  
 
but what was the point in all of those images?
 
you just looked so different, your voice, it just sounded, so god dam different. do you know what that's like? no you don't and you won't ever, because i've looked the same, for 10 years.  
 
there is air
trapped in places
i would like  
it not to be.
 
so go and break that tv, bowl for empty beer bottles, and tape various items together in threes, like toothbrushes, pencils, and shoes. kids of this time, will never find the joys in dumpsters and broken down things, like ours did.