Green Car

one of your best ataki...strider

Thank you for the list add, Strider.  :)

Such peace in a child's wonder of our world, captured perfectly!  Mike.

Glad you think so, Mike. Thank you. :)

"The collar of the shirt". Whose shirt? His own? The transition from shoes to shirt is too sudden, IMHO. As I read the first stanza I was planning to complain that your lines are too long, and those opening four could maybe do with some trimming ("along the" might be replaced with just "on gravel", for instance), but a really effective rhythm kicks in around stanza two.
Overall, the poem derives a lot of subtle emotion from focusing not on broad details but small images, which is a mark of a real artist, I think. Thank you for the read, and critique is of course JMHO.

Good feedback, Jack, I appreciate it. I will look into tweaking the first stanza.

Thank you for your comments. :)

Such vivid imagery in this piece.  Great pen Atakti.

Thank you, Magdalena, hun.

Nice xoxo

Thanks, Gigi-figi.  :)

Hey, this is a neat one Ata.  A slice of a sad part of life taken right out of the middle of someone, somewhere's reality.  I really enjoyed the descriptions and you did a great job of making the moment in time stand out, and stand still, for us to take in.  If it were a hook, you'd have me caught!  so is it a hook? I wanna know more about Charlie, the father, the grandmother, the casket, the person in it, the guy speaking...and... the significance of the green car.

Glad you liked it, artky. If it's a hook, it was unintentional. My aim was that scene, that moment, and if I caught it, then I'm happy.

It's a leap for me, poems to stories. I landed on my feet with this one (pardon the pun), so I'm encouraged to go further. We'll see...

Thanks for your comment. :)

What an amazingly haunting, lucidly mesmerizing, almost fly-on-the-wall perspective & such a compellingly astute, snap-shot capture & deeply perceptive telling of a young boy's curious yet puzzled, mystified innocence, obedience & wonderment, juxtaposed against the more stoic, somber & emotionally reactive, strange behavior of all the adults he is surrounded by, who seem as distracted away from their usual attention to him, as he is to the unfamiliar occasion they are all gathered there for, as evidenced by his sudden, distracted noticing of a bird flying off a tree limb, then circling & disappearing off into the woods, beyond the baffling mystery going on around him, then upon his attention coming back into what was still going on around him (at the funeral), but still not understanding what was really going on, he leans in closer to his grieving grandmother for comfort, but with the adults focus still deeply submerged in their shared grieving of the service, the little boy takes what supplemental, surrogate comfort he can, by clutching more tightly the little green car he holds in his hand...which may have provided him with just enough familiar security & comfort, to not feel so quite as alone?!...

  I found your short story here to be very deeply touching Atakti, maybe because I still have & retain such vividly lucid memories from all the family funerals I was forced to attend as a small boy (13 by the time I was 12 yrs. old!)?...

  I am truly amazed at how precise your description of so many little, subtle, peripheral details here were, as might have been seen, noticed & observed from the little boys perspective, but as expressed by you, as if you were somehow able to actually become that little boy during your creation & writing of this wonderful little piece!   I don't feel or think it needs to be revised or amended to fit any other voice, ideas or even suggestions, other than the one (yours & 'your' muses) whose inspiration it already came into such effectively moving beauty on! (just my humble opinion...)

 Your brief, yet subtly powerful, short story here, in my opinion, could & would make for a remarkably wonderful & equally effective, visual storyline (& seed concept) for an independently shot & produced 'short film' piece & if it was filmed by a truly gifted cinematographer, it might potentially be potent enough to win all kinds of high honors in the National & International Short-Film Festivals that are held annually all over the world?!!!...  I can actually see that potentially happening with your piece here, as I've attended some of those Short-Film festivals & it is subtle, unique, unusual & even obscure theme ideas like your piece here, that many of the best Short-Films I've seen, were based on & born from!...

 Your short story piece here also has a most unique & fairly uncommon, yet very authentic, dream-like & flash-back, lucid memory quality to it!...  (I mean, just look at what all it stirred up out of me, from my being able to relate so personally to it's every visual & emotional detail & to it as a cohesively remarkable whole!!!...  a really great, little write & read Atakti!...  thanks for allowing me to gush over it so much here!...  (I'm kinda prone to that, ya know?!)...

- OIN      

Wow... I'm feeling a little overwhelmed there, OIN, from this "gush" as you call it. If I took aboard half of what you wrote, my ego wouldn't fit through the door! You're far too kind.

I'm honored my scribbles have touched on your personal memories. 13 funerals is quite a few for a young boy.

Thank you for your considered response, I appreciate you taking the time to note your thoughts on the poem. I can see my writing is capable of making connections on an emotional level... another piece of the puzzle for me, as to what makes good writing. Thanks again for the encouragement.

WOW Atakti...sometimes You amaze me...definitely with this sad write--painted indeed!!!

Thanks very much, soul...

:)

God this fucking good.We all got are green cars we are holding on to.Some people rip and tear into your heart with poems and some cut into it with a axe or a scalpel. You make us gladly surrender it.

Ah, DP... your sincerity bowls me over. Thank you.

Thank you.

:)

Perfect

<3

Sorry I'm late to the party, Atakti. Some wonderful details in this moving piece. Great job!

Cheers, Tony, thanks for dropping by.

A lot of depth and detail here, well done Atakti.

Thanks, Carpe, for your comment and list add.

:)

A touching write, I love the perspective of the child.

:)

Thank you, Scribblerrrrrrr! :)

this was wonderful atakti... almost gave me goosebumps. seriously one of your best!.

Aww, thanks for the comment, 13.  :)

Wonderful imagery & atmosphere penned so beautifully, Atakti. Enjoyed the read!

Carlene

Thank you, Carlene, for the comment and the list add.

:)