TOLERABLE OBLIVIONS  (observational poem written on a bus ride into work in La Jolla, CA, mid 1980's)          

 
 
     the bus growls on    
opposite me      
     from all i can tell    
quietly sits  
     a long haired scientist    
researcher  looking type    
     with his female  
wife or lover    
     sitting so intimately  
close together    
     holding hands  
while reading    
     separate papers    
occasionally  they lean      
     their lips into      
each other s ears    
     to softly whisper    
private things  casually      
     back and forth    
in a manner which reminds    
     me of the french    
enticing erotica perhaps    
     although i would  
more likely suspect    
     in reality  
that they are    
     more likely only      
sharing  analytic theorems    
     and comparative opinions    
seemingly joined at their    
     ribs and hips as one    
in their somewhat crass  
     and shameless flaunting  
of their obliviously open    
     public display  
of what appears to me  
     to be their unapologetic  
air of superior    
     intellectual intimacy    
though stranger still    
     is how they make it appear    
to almost seem so      
     domestically wholesome    
in a scientific  mirrored    
     sort of way  i guess    
yet even in the comfort    
     of their bonded completion    
their behavior still seems    
     to me  somewhat stale      
in the way they so      
     intentionally project    
their public illusion    
     of perfect contentment    
aloof in an aura    
     of sturdy confidence    
remote and clinically insular    
     presenting a dull    
bored air  to all  here    
     on this bus around them    
as if their lives    
     will not truly begin again    
until they can get back into    
     their research labs    
and computers  to wrap their    
     brilliant minds once more    
around all that endless data    
     their private conversation    
of secret whispers    
     appears to me    
like an intentional vehicle    
     out of this moment    
as if  now  and being      
     on this bus  were only    
a tolerable oblivion    
     where they successfully    
seem to be staying---->      
     just ahead of themselves    
still  despite all my    
     unspoken opinions    
i realize these thoughts    
     may only be    
my peculiar observations    
     and unfounded misjudgments    
based only on appearances    
     
     
     the bus momentarily      
stops at a red light    
     as my eyes casually    
drift past the couple    
     out the window    
beyond them  to focus upon    
     a huge painted mural    
on a restaurant s outer wall    
     my transfixed eyes      
gaze out  at it s larger      
     than life size image    
of a tropical wave s  
     perfect form  
flawlessly pitching out  
     it s thick  breaking lip    
as it s massive  
     translucent  blue tube  
peels beautifully along      
     a shallow  coral reef    
such sacred moments    
     still fill and resonate    
through mesmeric corners    
     of my now distant memories    
even when i am there    
     like now  though only    
in my mind  
     in which i think  
and ask myself  
     am i not  
also a scientist    
     isolated in this  
same old show  
     wherein i too  
at times  
     have often found  
and caught myself  
     publicly hiding  
my true nature s self away  
     behind the mask  
of my own similar  
    and yet not  
self defensive  
     survivalist  
ego mind s deceptive  
     public façade  
as a passive  
     aggressive device  
i ve often used  
     to evasively  
distract away  
     any unwanted  
public attention  
     or detection  
of my own  
     unfettered  unspoken  
uniqueness  
     to help me create  
and sustain  
     the outer  public illusion  
that i too am  
     at least  
somewhat as normal  
     as all them  
wholesome      
     in a mirrored  
sort of way    
     i guess  
and in the way    
     i strive to so consistently  
portray and sustain    
     my own illusion    
of personal discontentment    
     aloof  in an aura    
of unstable uncertainty    
     remote by choice    
and naturally insular    
     sitting here in my    
own private  inner world    
     displaced  in my      
daydream s sudden distraction  
     while unconsciously  
presenting    
     a dull  bored air    
to all here on this bus    
     around me  
as if my life    
     will not truly    
begin again  until i can    
     get back out    
on my surfboard    
     on a wave  in the ocean    
when suddenly  i notice    
     that all my thoughts here    
in this silent      
     conversation with myself    
also sound like    
     an intentional vehicle    
out of this moment    
     as if now and being    
on this bus  are only    
     an intolerable oblivion    
where i too  seem      
     to be staying ---->    
just ahead of myself    
     of course  once again    
i realize  that despite    
     all my unspoken opinions    
these thoughts      
     may only be    
my peculiar observations    
     and unfounded misjudgments    
based only on appearances    
     
     
     it s hard to tell    
for sure  just what    
     equation do i hold    
in my cellular knowledge    
     of those turquoise    
and emerald    
     symmetrically imploding    
fluid  hollow mother    
     phenomena  
am i not too  perhaps    
     a lesser god  forgotten    
and even in this    
     brief memory  
of creatively filtered  
     outer and inner  
spontaneous experience    
     does not the genuine truth    
of a privileged child    
     still yet exist in me  
and am i  this child    
     in one derment    
still not a child    
     of this universe    
lost so long    
     for so many years    
then finally re found again    
     in all those whirling    
spinning  gods s eye    
     liquid wombs    
come and gone    
     which here just now    
i slowly am remembering    
     that i am still    
it s transcendent heart beat  
     so futilely waiting  
to be re found    
     an integral  living part    
of the essence    
     of it s radiant    
cosmic soul    
     a mere fiber of light    
presently torn out    
     of it s sacred weave    
cast out  down here    
     into this growling bus    
getting slightly      
     carried away  perhaps  
but certainly not lost  
     here in all these    
flash flood like currents  
     of my mindfully  
tuned in  inner thoughts  
     yet whose spirit    
still beats wildly    
     as ever  with it s  
pure  raw   burning lust    
     for deeper reunion    
with this living earth  
     and greater universe  
everywhere  both beyond  
     and soul deep  
within me here  
     or in the very least  
with and for  
     more meaningful time    
with the living seas  
     wholesome  in a mirrored    
sort of way  i guess    
     though somewhat stale    
here in my own  
     un bonded incompletion    
and in the way    
     i still strive    
to sustain  this public    
     illusion of lonesome      
separation  aloof    
     in an aura of      
mystical confidence    
     intuitively living      
yet still somewhat lost    
     with one foot in life    
the other in dreams    
     after noticing      
these strange things    
     and rethinking them again    
the only conclusion    
     i can presently reach  
is despite  all my  
     unspoken opinions    
these thoughts      
     may still only be  
and remain  
     my peculiar observations    
and unfounded misjudgments    
     based only on  
appearances    
     even about  
myself    
     
     
     this couple on the bus    
still sitting right    
     across from me    
now occasionally each    
     glance over at me here    
where i am at least    
     a little more conscious now    
that i too am projecting    
     a dull  bored air    
to all here on this    
     bus around me    
as if my life    
     will not truly begin  
until i can get    
     back out on my  
surfboard in the water  
     on a wave  
in the ocean  
     again  
     
until eventually  
     i begin to wonder about  
just what is  
     actually going on here    
beyond the mere    
     surface appearance      
of all these seemingly    
     insignificant things    
is this possibly    
     some kind of subtle    
weird  social game    
     of who can project    
the most effective    
     air of dull boredom    
or is it only me perhaps  
     and my slightly hyperactive    
overly twisted imagination    
     which makes it      
seem so difficult    
     to escape this circular    
pattern of thinking    
     still  despite all my    
unspoken opinions    
     peculiar observations    
and unfounded misjudgments      
     the bus continues    
to growl on  into    
     and through  the timeless    
passing of all these    
     present moments    
hopefully on into    
     a much more      
tolerable oblivion    
     on out into      
the grand continuum    
     in a seemingly      
never ending    
     convolution of appearances    
where  even there    
     i suspect  based on all    
this evidence here    
     that creation too    
must somehow surely    
     still be staying---->    
just ahead of itself    
     even as this      
bus growls on    
     and on
and on
     taking me
into work
    at my weekly
routine job         
     down this
daydream
     coastal  
road