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Understanding
Nam was thundering at our dwar [Nam = Man = Dad]
But we quickly sent him away
Next time we could hear him afar
Building wrath to keep us at bay
Head down and righteousness held high
Nam was thundering, black again
He charged our door, made a sigh
All of his fury, was in vain
Our door is strong as steel and stone
It’s made of love, truth, me and you
Poor Nam had broke, his skull to bone
Still couldn’t see, our point of view
Next time dear Nam when you are well
Take time to love, reason with us
Rather than charge, like bats from hell
Be modern, kiss, don’t make a fuss
It takes time to explain about love
It’s not a weapon to make change
It calms and makes peace like a dove
Unconditional, is that strange
Nam shook his sore and broken head
Surely he would, must, think again
For a while he should go to bed
Understanding youth, was a pain
An Angel fair, in robes of white
Healed Nam in his troubled sleep
Now, understood his direst plight
His role, guide, our love was to keep
Dear Nam woke, he knew what to do
Came gently tapping at our door
Explained his new point of view
Happy now we kissed our Pa
But we quickly sent him away
Next time we could hear him afar
Building wrath to keep us at bay
Head down and righteousness held high
Nam was thundering, black again
He charged our door, made a sigh
All of his fury, was in vain
Our door is strong as steel and stone
It’s made of love, truth, me and you
Poor Nam had broke, his skull to bone
Still couldn’t see, our point of view
Next time dear Nam when you are well
Take time to love, reason with us
Rather than charge, like bats from hell
Be modern, kiss, don’t make a fuss
It takes time to explain about love
It’s not a weapon to make change
It calms and makes peace like a dove
Unconditional, is that strange
Nam shook his sore and broken head
Surely he would, must, think again
For a while he should go to bed
Understanding youth, was a pain
An Angel fair, in robes of white
Healed Nam in his troubled sleep
Now, understood his direst plight
His role, guide, our love was to keep
Dear Nam woke, he knew what to do
Came gently tapping at our door
Explained his new point of view
Happy now we kissed our Pa
Published 26th May 2013
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26th May 2013 1:19pm
I’m afraid this is not a professional standard poem. It scored -4.6 on the Poetry Assessor http://115.146.95.34/poetry/. One way to improve is to 1) Use concrete rather than abstract language 2) Don’t use emotion words. Instead, create a scene without using emotion words and allow the reader to supply the emotion 3) Write in the past tense.
I hope this helps.
I hope this helps.
26th May 2013 11:50pm
I think your comment is exceptionally rude. It is one thing if you want to comment on someones poem and give your own opinion, whatever that may be, and give advice on how to improve. That is what this site is for; to get other peoples opinions on personal works. But for you to come in and rank how "professional" a poem based on some site, and then give generic responses for improvement is ridiculous. I tested that site, and it gave some professionally renowned authors like Margaret Atwood negative scores, so it obviously doesn't work, but that isn't even my real issue, because sites like that are stupid by nature. Poetry is like any art form, and it is subjective; what is good to one person may not be good for another. So please keep your spamming self off of peoples poetry, because if you cannot decide if a poem is good or not on your own opinions, then writers looking for honest feedback do not need your sort of criticisms.
26th May 2013 3:51pm
26th May 2013 7:46pm
