deepundergroundpoetry.com
Stateussticals
It's all so easy. All there in the numbers.
Past meets present to predict future beyond.
Sickeningly trite, the categories we lie under
we all become slaves of the way we were spawned.
Ethical battle? The outcome is set
by your parents' IQs and, of course, how they met
their social classes, (whereby they named you,
and dressed you, and fed you, maybe paid for your stash);
Yes, your journey was most likely mapped out before you
but not by the stars- just genetics and cash.
Author's note:
Just a quick one I can't get out of my head inspired by the book "Freakonomics" and anything by Dr. Seuss. Enjoy. [;
Past meets present to predict future beyond.
Sickeningly trite, the categories we lie under
we all become slaves of the way we were spawned.
Ethical battle? The outcome is set
by your parents' IQs and, of course, how they met
their social classes, (whereby they named you,
and dressed you, and fed you, maybe paid for your stash);
Yes, your journey was most likely mapped out before you
but not by the stars- just genetics and cash.
Author's note:
Just a quick one I can't get out of my head inspired by the book "Freakonomics" and anything by Dr. Seuss. Enjoy. [;
Published 2nd Nov 2010
| Edited 30th Dec 2010
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 2
comments 10
reads 929
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Nov 2010 8:53pm
Hey I like your style. The second short verse is good and crunchy.
The 3rd line of the first verse needs work as the tongue trips on it...read it out loud and you'll see what I mean.
Nice punch in the finish too :-)
The 3rd line of the first verse needs work as the tongue trips on it...read it out loud and you'll see what I mean.
Nice punch in the finish too :-)
wow, thanks! you'll find that i adore good feedback, and that's a huge compliment that you like my style as yours is one of my favs. [:
3rd Nov 2010 1:34am
Very, very awesome poem! I love the Dr. Seuss style of ryhming and the serious yet elaborate tone of why and how we were made. Loves it! :D
thank you, jade! i've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss lately. my mindsets and other inputs from the outside are clashing like cymbals in my head so i had to get them out at least onto the screen. greatly appreciate the read and comment! [:
13th Nov 2010 11:11am
28th Nov 2010 9:55am
well, we're even now, then, since your comment put a great big dumb-ass smile on my face. [:
13th Nov 2010 11:17am
from Jestalessa. I have liked the way you have invented the spelling. And the core subject is awesome.
28th Nov 2010 9:57am
Anonymous
30th Nov 2010 8:26pm
I wish you'd write more poetry, and become a creator as well as an appreciator, because the few posts you've made are fantastic. This poem is crisp, witty, intelligent, charmingly cynical, and almost flawlessly crafted. The last line is superb; it rounds off what precedes it with an enviable naturalness (endings are one of my pet hates; mine always sound contrived to me).
My only suggestion would be to change the word "encumbers" at the end of the third line. It reads as though it's there simply to maintain the rhyme, and hurts the cohesion of the verse. I think you could easily get away with disrupting the scheme at that point; the rest is sufficiently put together that I doubt readers will notice or care.
My only suggestion would be to change the word "encumbers" at the end of the third line. It reads as though it's there simply to maintain the rhyme, and hurts the cohesion of the verse. I think you could easily get away with disrupting the scheme at that point; the rest is sufficiently put together that I doubt readers will notice or care.
30th Nov 2010 8:39pm
thank you so much, Jack! your good opinion is a big deal for me. yes, i think that part could definitely be changed; now i've heard it twice from admirable writers and as soon as i get this damnable computer situation sorted i'll be all over it. in the meantime, my notebook is my edit list. (and omg -and i don't say "omg" on this site- don't you dare diss your endings! they sound contrived to *you* because *you* thought them up!) [:
