deepundergroundpoetry.com
i'm writing this in cursive
i went to sleep
and it was like
80 degrees.
you can't write numbers in cursive
unless you spell them out
or at least, i can't
i'm awake now
and it's freezing
i just can't
for the life of me
explain this
other feeling
all i can say is
i never mean to rhyme.
---
alright
i stopped writing in cursive
but i still can't
explain this
other feeling
just be a deer
and tell me
someday
will i be alright?
even if you have to lie
like i am
when i'm next to you
this awake
and when you're
this asleep
i tell you
all the words
i cannot speak
when you're not unconscious
and in between
the sheets.
when our bodies
just barely meet
and our souls
merely bare
to declare
defeat
that's love
if i had to take
a whack at it
or maybe its just
i want to bring you down
someone down
anyone down
to the same level
as me
a 5'2ish area
that makes more cents
to me
then a sweatshop worker
too much
love?
and it was like
80 degrees.
you can't write numbers in cursive
unless you spell them out
or at least, i can't
i'm awake now
and it's freezing
i just can't
for the life of me
explain this
other feeling
all i can say is
i never mean to rhyme.
---
alright
i stopped writing in cursive
but i still can't
explain this
other feeling
just be a deer
and tell me
someday
will i be alright?
even if you have to lie
like i am
when i'm next to you
this awake
and when you're
this asleep
i tell you
all the words
i cannot speak
when you're not unconscious
and in between
the sheets.
when our bodies
just barely meet
and our souls
merely bare
to declare
defeat
that's love
if i had to take
a whack at it
or maybe its just
i want to bring you down
someone down
anyone down
to the same level
as me
a 5'2ish area
that makes more cents
to me
then a sweatshop worker
too much
love?
Published 24th May 2013
| Edited 29th Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 887
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th May 2013 7:38pm
24th May 2013 7:40pm
24th May 2013 10:21pm
Anonymous
25th May 2013 8:47pm
Another example of your brilliant mind!
Great write, always such original refreshing writes!!!
Great write, always such original refreshing writes!!!
28th May 2013 6:54am
I have noticed there are instances of misspellings in your writing. For some reason I haven't regarded it as a terrible scurge on your writing, and in all honesty, it generally isn't--it hasn't generally negatively affected my appreciation of your writing, and I once read a book by Joseph Goosey that had all sorts of misspellings, and I loved the book, and it really just didn't seem all that necessary to point them all out. But the line in this poem, "just be a deer"--"deer" should probably be "dear." It clashes a bit here, because, I just don't think you're trying to say you want this person to be a deer.
This is a really great piece, but I don't really know how to articulate that here except that it was well written. I do like the never meaning to rhyme bit, to mention one little specific thing among it all.
Well--one little thought though--
"when you're not unconcious
and in between
the sheets."--
It has a very slowing effect on the rhythm, which is probably intentional, and not all that bad, but it seems somehow...a little forced? Either that, or it's a way of emphasizing this person being asleep in bed, as opposed to passed out on the floor or something like that. Well, if it was another piece, I might say that anyway, but I don't think for some reason that's what you mean to imply here. So I'll say it seems a little forced. But not necessarily too forced.
This is a really great piece, but I don't really know how to articulate that here except that it was well written. I do like the never meaning to rhyme bit, to mention one little specific thing among it all.
Well--one little thought though--
"when you're not unconcious
and in between
the sheets."--
It has a very slowing effect on the rhythm, which is probably intentional, and not all that bad, but it seems somehow...a little forced? Either that, or it's a way of emphasizing this person being asleep in bed, as opposed to passed out on the floor or something like that. Well, if it was another piece, I might say that anyway, but I don't think for some reason that's what you mean to imply here. So I'll say it seems a little forced. But not necessarily too forced.
28th May 2013 4:49pm
8th Jun 2013 10:50pm
