astigmatism

I broke my eyes two nights ago

sometime inbetween forcing a muse and nursing a personalized cripple,
illogically rationalizing self destruction as inspiration
in my old vodka stained notebook

all because I forgot what my own messy handwriting looked like
back when passion all but bled my very fingertips
to write of everything and nothing I could ever voice as true
on bitter night's that I hated myself
even more so than my dramatized little world

for years i fought with that
'Teetering' as it's been described;
shifting back and forth on the edge of reality to delusion
in a futile attempt to create art

it's an art that's fucking tired,
i don't blame it

yet even so,
I'm not sure if it was frustration, helplessness or pure impulse
that destroyed my glasses
but I'm grateful that it did

because I remembered my identity
when I washed the regret from my eyelashes
and took an obscured glance at myself from the grimy bathroom mirror
with both near sighted and far sighted perception

then I returned to my pen and wrote Courtney in cursive
paving way to a long awaited transition
with half blind eyes that finally opened