deepundergroundpoetry.com
she didn't see the world roll its' eyes
we've done the ex-partners,
friends with benefits thing
for this last year, and it worked
being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
cool.
She has fucked other fellas, with limited
jealousy on my part, and as rich as gravy
we poured along swimmingly.
Everything went the way of mostly kosher
until one fella, that I can no longer call friend,
decided he wanted to chat up my lab mate.
No need to explain why certain lines
are never brought up, let alone broached, so I say,
"Sure, why not, have at it". Didn't much care for the dude,
more of a historical obligation, and felt zero to negative
threatening vibes from him. Her however, I respect, hate and love.
She usually has impeccable taste, and as sure as shit owns stink,
I thought we would share a laugh. We didn't.
Lines were crossed, and my laugh is working hand to mouth.
Better for the long term, last laughs laugh best and such,
but a terrifying brutality seems to be stowing away
in wait for this chuckle.
I want to fuck her
but not in the fun but passionate,
dirty but loving way
that we have been.
No. I imagine her on her knees
in the center of a circle of me
catching cum on tear stained cheeks
from an arsenal of war hardened cocks
that quench thirst through murder
Yes. I want to say "bitch",
and mean it. I want to pinch her ass,
as she passes by on the way to make my sandwich.
I wanted my beer ten minutes ago, and I damn near
might have to smack this bitch,
but
that is not me,
and I resent her most
in these moments
friends with benefits thing
for this last year, and it worked
being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
cool.
She has fucked other fellas, with limited
jealousy on my part, and as rich as gravy
we poured along swimmingly.
Everything went the way of mostly kosher
until one fella, that I can no longer call friend,
decided he wanted to chat up my lab mate.
No need to explain why certain lines
are never brought up, let alone broached, so I say,
"Sure, why not, have at it". Didn't much care for the dude,
more of a historical obligation, and felt zero to negative
threatening vibes from him. Her however, I respect, hate and love.
She usually has impeccable taste, and as sure as shit owns stink,
I thought we would share a laugh. We didn't.
Lines were crossed, and my laugh is working hand to mouth.
Better for the long term, last laughs laugh best and such,
but a terrifying brutality seems to be stowing away
in wait for this chuckle.
I want to fuck her
but not in the fun but passionate,
dirty but loving way
that we have been.
No. I imagine her on her knees
in the center of a circle of me
catching cum on tear stained cheeks
from an arsenal of war hardened cocks
that quench thirst through murder
Yes. I want to say "bitch",
and mean it. I want to pinch her ass,
as she passes by on the way to make my sandwich.
I wanted my beer ten minutes ago, and I damn near
might have to smack this bitch,
but
that is not me,
and I resent her most
in these moments
Published 21st May 2013
| Edited 22nd May 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 3
comments 9
reads 1228
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd May 2013 2:34am
22nd May 2013 2:44am
wow to you. very glad that you like it tylnn... I hate that it happened but oh well, someone brilliant once said, a lost love is another found write.
thank you for reading
thank you for reading
Anonymous
22nd May 2013 8:37am
We can be driven to crazy thoughts when love, hurt, and history are played with. I relate to feeling the dark anger and not wanting to claim or own it because it's not who you want to be-or become. I like how you drew on the darkness and put it across nearly as raw as it feels. Well written emotion here..so many clever lines too. nice work, Lb
22nd May 2013 2:15pm
dead on miki.
Yup, those things combined can def drive a person crazy. And def about that darkness. In general I would prefer not to be jealous or possessive in anyway, but it happens, its all in how you deal with it. In this situation I think very few people would challenge my reaction, it is a firm line I think, that most people would agree that should not be crossed. Yet my reaction still disgusts me, as much as the crossed line. Writing this helped.
Thank you for your thoughts Ms.Dancer of la luna
Yup, those things combined can def drive a person crazy. And def about that darkness. In general I would prefer not to be jealous or possessive in anyway, but it happens, its all in how you deal with it. In this situation I think very few people would challenge my reaction, it is a firm line I think, that most people would agree that should not be crossed. Yet my reaction still disgusts me, as much as the crossed line. Writing this helped.
Thank you for your thoughts Ms.Dancer of la luna
22nd May 2013 8:14pm
LB,
on the whole, I get it. I get the feelings involved in a relationship like the one you describe, you (as per) describe different aspects of a relationship very well indeed.
If I were to make a suggestion, it'd be in the structure of it. There's not the same flow to your voice here, the words though chosen well don't seem to be having the impact or accentuation that is prevalent in your other works.
take the first stanza;
we've done the ex-partners,
friends with benefits thing
for this last year, and it worked
being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
now, nothing wrong with that at all per se, but I think a structure change would change things a little.
we've done the ex-partners
n' friends with benefits thing
for this last year.
and it worked
cos being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
is cool.
certainly no better, but different and I think the "n friends with benefits" and 'cos' are more in line with your narrators syntax. (being cool)
the six lines that are broke up on their own, again while the content is good, I'm not sold on the change of structure there, only because that technique is normally used to hammer home some points:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/106694-the-big-man-blues/
is the first example I could think of.
That said, I found the last four stanzas to be very well structured, kept the flow pretty damn decent.
all in man, apart from my own personal nitpicking, it's pretty solid, and a damn decent write.
shine on my man :)
on the whole, I get it. I get the feelings involved in a relationship like the one you describe, you (as per) describe different aspects of a relationship very well indeed.
If I were to make a suggestion, it'd be in the structure of it. There's not the same flow to your voice here, the words though chosen well don't seem to be having the impact or accentuation that is prevalent in your other works.
take the first stanza;
we've done the ex-partners,
friends with benefits thing
for this last year, and it worked
being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
now, nothing wrong with that at all per se, but I think a structure change would change things a little.
we've done the ex-partners
n' friends with benefits thing
for this last year.
and it worked
cos being a pair of volatile beakers
respecting friendship and chemistry
enough to stretch civility
right up to the point
of explosion
is cool.
certainly no better, but different and I think the "n friends with benefits" and 'cos' are more in line with your narrators syntax. (being cool)
the six lines that are broke up on their own, again while the content is good, I'm not sold on the change of structure there, only because that technique is normally used to hammer home some points:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/106694-the-big-man-blues/
is the first example I could think of.
That said, I found the last four stanzas to be very well structured, kept the flow pretty damn decent.
all in man, apart from my own personal nitpicking, it's pretty solid, and a damn decent write.
shine on my man :)
23rd May 2013 2:58pm
thank you for the in depth suggestions and observations Lep.
I certainly see what you mean by the syntax, and your breaks to lend to the voice that you are mentioning. I was attempting a more quick labeled, almost personality-less description, with small but potent personality markers...as in cool. by itself.... though these were my intentions it very well have missed the mark. hahaha...especially in that the tone picks up and the personality gets smeared all over, I think, or hope at least. I think that I have been more successful when I have used one of the two approaches, and I can see how the combination might not be pulled off so well.
again thanks man, I am going to have to step away for a few days, like I had told you, I am a bit too close to this right now to really see it
I certainly see what you mean by the syntax, and your breaks to lend to the voice that you are mentioning. I was attempting a more quick labeled, almost personality-less description, with small but potent personality markers...as in cool. by itself.... though these were my intentions it very well have missed the mark. hahaha...especially in that the tone picks up and the personality gets smeared all over, I think, or hope at least. I think that I have been more successful when I have used one of the two approaches, and I can see how the combination might not be pulled off so well.
again thanks man, I am going to have to step away for a few days, like I had told you, I am a bit too close to this right now to really see it
24th May 2013 10:29am
I think it's a brave move to include that 'No. I imagine her...' section, because they're really uncomfortable lines to read - in part probably because they belong to everyone at some point, and there's that want to cringe and turn away, but also that weird curiosity that needs to view it from a safe enough distance to disown it to be able to call it nasty. So I really respect that something like that's been included. Because I think it's a good kind of writing that makes you feel a creeping cringing awkwardness. I think I might have been tempted to cut the 'No' from the start, and the 'tear stained cheek' detail, because that section carries more power in its plain images than in its details, I think, and I kind of like the way you're chucked straight into it, as a reader, without the 'No'.
Anyway, really liked the unflinching humanity of it all.
Anyway, really liked the unflinching humanity of it all.
24th May 2013 5:59pm
Thank you for your response to this. Unflinching humanity is a an amazing compliment, I didn't think I was hitting any of them of them kind of lengths with this, though I was definitely feeling a creeping cringing awkwardness, hurt, and anger. It was an honest of thought here, where what I was dealing with I kept trying to rationalize, and dress up a bit, then I allowed myself to say the brute, disgusting emotions that went through me. Both are part of how I dealt with it, and this write really helped me exorcise that funky spell I had. So glad that you found what you did with it.
Oh and the "no." I guess what I was going for that flipped switch of emotion I described. I appreciate your ears on how it sounds though, I am gonna give myself about another days space from this, then look back through...Going to run through your suggestions first. Thanks again
Oh and the "no." I guess what I was going for that flipped switch of emotion I described. I appreciate your ears on how it sounds though, I am gonna give myself about another days space from this, then look back through...Going to run through your suggestions first. Thanks again
Anonymous
7th Jun 2013 1:30pm
"Her however, I respect, hate and love".
This is a truth I'm not sure many could bring themselves to admit. The nuances in this one line are pretty infinite.
Great piece, Casey. Uncomfortable, but fluid.
This is a truth I'm not sure many could bring themselves to admit. The nuances in this one line are pretty infinite.
Great piece, Casey. Uncomfortable, but fluid.
