Paradox

I.

I need to cut free from the ropes that tie me down.
These ropes of lust are all over and all around.
It is time to find some meaning in this empty seashell I call Me.
Time to let go and search for something that won’t keep me on my knees.

Twenty-one years of falling into a void.
Ignoring the structure that I built up and destroyed.
I’ve felt. Tasted. Heard. Then crumpled it up and threw it in a fire.
I’ve been hurt. Cried. Ran…before becoming a calculating liar.

Time to put on the dusty suit and tie the silk noose around my neck.
Yes, believe it or not, it is time to organize this hopeless wreck.
Even though I always told everyone that I’d be like static.
And keep everything “expected” locked up. I never was pragmatic.

Now here I am I’m willing to embrace this.
I promise to throw away the temptations that ruled me
In favor of a kiss.
You know. This...

II.

“Halt. Who are you? Answer us, you don’t belong.
You don’t look the part. Smell the part. Act the part. No…something’s wrong.
Filthy mongrel. With your gaping mouth and dirty nostrils. Can you even stand?
Let’s help him, hoist him up by his lifeless arms. He needs to know who is in command.”

“No one opened the gate for you did they? Not quite?
Another one who has something to prove…he’s putting up a fight.
All right. You know the drill. Break his legs or spit in his face.
Kick dirt into his eyes. Make him blinder than he is now. Know your place!”

“Put a letter in his pocket that will make him smile.
It’ll give him hope, though his desires will be for nothing all this while.
And he’ll actually think he’s getting closer. A pathetic defender.
For what? For a change he will never make. He’ll never remember.”

“Now he is ‘willing’ to embrace this.
We promise to show him
That he’ll never get that kiss.
You know. This…”

III.

Five minutes of existence in another place than here.
Why did I ever think I could have the things I revered?
I’m coming down…I’m falling fast. Where’s the suitcase?
I kept the old life in there just in case I became a disgrace.

This skin I wear is too tight for the soul inside.
The breath within will slowly…slowly subside.
I need to break away from this straightjacket of flesh.
And peel away the layers of lies…and confess.

Ah, here it is. I remember the combination like my own name.
Snap, snap, pop. This is the first and final fix I need to play this game.
The sensation I missed was just a pinprick and now it is a shotgun wound.
Right here in my chest. A massive hole dug out with a bent up spoon.

To feed that fantasy with the dripping remains.
I thought I could dispose of the glasses that made me see
Things as if they were caught in the rain.
You know. This…

IV.

I need to be tied up by the ropes that kept me bound.
These ropes of routine are all over and all around.
It is time to crawl back into the seashell I call Me.
Time to stop searching and get back on my knees.

This is where I need to be. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
There is no reason for me to try to evolve. I must rest.
Tomorrow is a big day for me; I have a plan to fulfill.
There something inside that needs to be killed.

It is just a weed in the dying garden out back in the yard.
If I pull it out the flowers can bloom. Then I’ll keep it in a jar.
I’ll put it on a shelf where everyone can point and judge.
I’ll keep it there so I may hold this grudge.

This is all just a fantasy that cannot remain.
I’m wearing cracked glasses that make me see
Things that I cannot maintain.
You know. This…

V.

I have an escape route.
And I take it.
Freedom?
Guess.

The jar is up there now, see?
The relief I expected isn’t here.
Why is it taking so long?
Where is my suitcase?

20-01-11-05  20-08-09-19 12-09-06-05?

VI.

The only reason I feel this way is because I tried.
I should have never tried to be with You. I should have realized.
In the corner of my eye I see You smiling and I shine.
And I turn to see but You are not there. Please be mine.

It’s fine. I’m used to this static that consumes my life.
The edge is not meant to be crossed. Can’t separate the blade from the knife.
Why did You make me believe I could change? Are You content?
Now that I can’t be over that gate with You…I must circumvent.

If I press my ear against the wall…is that Your voice I hear? That sound…
I hear a scream! Is that You? I want to save You…I want to break this wall down.
It is taller than life itself and a million miles thick and I want to free You, baby.
My broken fists can’t beat it down. I hear Your precious voice say, “Save me.”

Oh God, help me please. I need to get to her.
The suitcase is empty and they… on the other side… just can’t see
That I want to be a part of that blissful blur.
You know. This…

VII.

Oh please…please something make me change.
This is not who I am! This is not what I planned to be. (deranged)
Please make her tell me that she wants me to save her! …please.
I want to rid myself of the ropes, this disgusting disease!

I can hear the scream. My ears are bleeding and about to burst.
The gate and its walls are too much…not one glimpse to quench my thirst.
This is not real! Oh God make it all go away…make the wall disappear.
Make it all make it all make it all make it all make it all clear.

My ear can’t press anymore. My hands are falling apart.
I can’t feel my face or my mind or my dying heart.
My suitcase is hollow; the lock broken and the mind collapsed.
If only, all this time, You didn’t keep me in this lapse!

Oh God, help me please. I need to be with her.
If only she could see that she ruined me. She will never see
That I want to be a part of that blissful blur.
You know. This…

VIII.

“Let’s peer over the gate while we smoke. I’m curious to see the waste.
A barren wilderness isn’t it? It’s ugliness staring us in the face…
This side of the wall holds a garden of life and this…this is the valley of decay.
Can you imagine if one of Them got in here and made it all crumble all away?”

“Wait…is that a lost soul on the ground all the way down there?
His fists are broken and his body is rotting. Help him? Don’t dare.
He has been trying to beat this wall down in a sad attempt.
He is the scum of the world, and not even his courage makes him exempt.”

“Let’s crawl down quickly and leave him a message while he’s blacked out…
A little message on the wall that will not speak, oh! but that will shout and shout!
Hand me the white paint, and that brush. There we are, now hurry back over!
What a hopeless piece of trash. A rotting clover…”

“I bet he is trying to get to one of Us.
Why can’t he realize his place, the reality he can’t see.
There’s probably a girl in here that gives him happiness.
You know. This…”

IX.

I must be sleeping. I’m back in my suit and silk noose.
I’m away from the hurt and the self-inflicted abuse.
In a garden that grows flowers and gives off a scent…
This is the life I wanted! This is what I meant!

I must be dreaming. I’m here with You and holding You tight.
I must have earned a place here through my perpetual fight.
I don’t want those ropes of lust to get in the way anymore.
Just me and You in each others embrace, let us go to the shore.

Let’s jump in the cold waves and hold each other for heat.
And laugh and smile and kiss and make each other complete.
And then walk for an eternity, hand in hand, heart in heart, soul in soul.
I always knew You would be the one to repair this gaping hole.

Now here I am, willing to embrace this.
I promise to throw away the temptations that ruled me
In favor of Your kiss.
You know. This…

X.

Where did you go? Just a dream…a nightmare?
My tired mind shut off from the strain, yet I still care.
My hands are mangled heaps of flesh and the bones are dust.
But I must get to You! I must…I must…

I see someone was here while I slept. They left a message in dripping white paint.
Reading it now brings back those…restraints.
I bet…She came down here to paint it… to make me finally understand and know.
She doesn’t love me or want me here… it reads, “Go back home”

I’ll crawl back into the seashell once more and never leave.
There is no passion or love here for me to receive.
You made me believe! Led me on, and now I feel these ropes again.
But it’s my own fault for wanting to try…I know where the truth has been.

You know. This...