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Paranoia Diary: Entry V
Let me begin by stating that a person living with any form of mental illness never wanted to be this way, they never asked to be like this. No they just are, I just am like this. From an early age of twelve years old I was diagnosed with depression, and then again when I was sixteen along with anxiety disorders and than when I was eighteen I was labeled disabled because of social phobia. I never asked for any of that, never asked for the bad things to happen to me. My grandparents and father to die, my friends to abandon me at the drop of a hat, a girl to abuse me to the point of insanity, to be constantly harassed by doctor throughout me entire pregnancy just because I am a teenager. To be evicted from my home because of a foreclosure, the live in a motel for a year and then finally get a place just to be threatened and hurt and pushed around because of something that was helping me cope.
A therapy cat.
"No Pets Allowed"-- I got it, but he wasn't a pet. He was a therapy cat, he was helping me not freak out constantly while living in a motel still dealing with my prior problems. I can't make any move without someone shoving me back.
I become friends again with an ex-friend who hurt me-- One step.
I invite another friend over my house-- Two steps.
I start writing a book series again-- Three steps.
I am being a good mother, daughter and girlfriend-- Four steps.
And then, get rid of the cat or you get evicted?
Is a cat really that bad of a problem that a girl's mental health doesn't count, but still the cruel woman's words ring in my ears as she spoke to my mother.
"If your daughter is going to be screaming at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat, than she's going to have her son taken away from her. Is that the kind of person, you are you'd let her kill herself in front of her son. She has to realize that you have to follow to rules. If your daughter has that many problems maybe she should be in a facility where she can be monitored and put on medication. If you don't call crisis on her, I will call it myself. The cat has to go today, if your daughter is going to be screaming at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat. . ."
Over and over until the words were grounded into my brain, until I was hysterical shaking and crying, until my mother betrayed me when she got off the phone and said she was calling crisis and we were getting rid of the cat.
Now let me explain this to people who will be agreeing with this landlord, yes a cat is a cat. But it's principal of the matter, coming from a girl that lost everything at one point who was homeless for year, who lost her father during her pregnancy and he never got to meet his grandson. Losing a cat is not just losing a cat, it's losing another member of my family. Jiji was just as much a part of my family as my boyfriend and my mother and my son and myself. Maybe some people don't think that because you're thinking what my mother was thinking at the time, your apartment is more important-- You were homeless and you rather risk losing another apartment over a cat. It's the fact that she didn't listen.
I have a letter from my doctor explain that the cat is there to help my mental health. But she didn't care, she said that I should be put away if I'm take unstable that a cat is going to help me if I'm going to get that upset over it. I belong in a hospital, but I want to make it clear that I never acted like that until she said we had to get rid of the cat.
I was fine.
My mother and boyfriend will say the same.
Even the cops that were called about me screaming said that it was stupid, that a cat's not a big deal especially if it's there to help me. He just said to find a new place, the problem is we can't and our landlord made sure we knew that too. She made sure to ground into our brain that she "saved" us from the motel and that she can put anyone in one of her three building. Guess what the building I live in is still have burnt because of a fire and the hot water lasts like twenty minutes and our clothes are washed with cold water. We only took this place because it was lead paint free, she wasn't a savior-- She's nothing but a landlord, these building go up in flames again she's got nothing. She doesn't even live here, she lives in another city completely and comes around to fuck around with peoples lives.
She owns three buildings and she thinks she's God.
She threatened to have my boyfriend taken out of the house and away from his child-- Illegal unless said by the mother of the child.
She threatened to have my child taken away from me, because I'm suicidal thus impose a danger to my child.
She threatened to evict us and then made sure we knew that we couldn't afford anywhere else. And brought up our past eviction, which would make it easier for her to evict us.
She threatened to call 911 on me and have me brought in as crisis because I'm suicidal.
All because of a cat that was helping me with my anxiety problems. Now I cried all night missing my poor cat because we had to let him stay with my boyfriend's parents, I cried with nightmares of her making my boyfriend leave, of making Gaige get taken away from me, of me being escorted away in a straitjacket because I'm crazy. And all she kept saying was that she'd evict us if we did do as she said.
She'd evict us.
And now she wants to come into this house next Wednesday and she wants to see if the cat is really gone. She'll put my boyfriend on the lease then, and then she's going to go over the rules one more time like we're children or something. But I do not want this woman near me, I'm terrified of her. She threatened everything all because of a cat that wasn't hurting anyone, what annoys me more is that the people upstairs have birds but because they were friends of her's and she gave the birds to them that's okay.
It's just fucking okay.
Even though it's still illegal, one tenant cannot have something another tenant is not allowed to have. But she doesn't care, she wanted to cat out and that's what she got but now I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I'm being watched again, I'm always being watched and if I screw up this time I lose everything. I know it, she's listening right now but she's can't see the words I'm typing-- And so she'll never know that I am telling the world what she's doing to me, that she's making an already unstable girl go more and more and more and more and more insane.
But that okay, because we're following the rules now.
This might sound stupid to some people, but to me it's scary because after everything I've been through I'm not done jumping through hoops to be happy. The pain is never over, it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming.
Until I give in because than everyone that knocked me down can say "I told you so, see you should've put her away. We told you she was a nut."
We told you so.
And then they'd laugh, that's what they'd do.
They'd laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
I can already hear them.
But that's okay, it shouldn't bother me because I'm just the crazy girl who screams at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat.
Which for the record, never happened. That's what everyone in the building told the landlord the night I start crying hysterically when my boyfriend told me that we had to get rid of Jiji. The called the cops because they couldn't face me themselves, because they were too chicken, like Kathleen, the landlord she won't face me either.
They're all talk but they can't say it to my face.
I want to stop talking but I'm trying to not sound crazy but at the same time get my point across, I can just hope that no one will judge me for a bad person or for what Kathleen made me out to be. I can only hope that I was a victim and not just a freak that did get upset and overreact over a cat.
I'm sorry if you think I am a little crazy over this or even stupid for that matter.
I just didn't want to lose someone else.
A therapy cat.
"No Pets Allowed"-- I got it, but he wasn't a pet. He was a therapy cat, he was helping me not freak out constantly while living in a motel still dealing with my prior problems. I can't make any move without someone shoving me back.
I become friends again with an ex-friend who hurt me-- One step.
I invite another friend over my house-- Two steps.
I start writing a book series again-- Three steps.
I am being a good mother, daughter and girlfriend-- Four steps.
And then, get rid of the cat or you get evicted?
Is a cat really that bad of a problem that a girl's mental health doesn't count, but still the cruel woman's words ring in my ears as she spoke to my mother.
"If your daughter is going to be screaming at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat, than she's going to have her son taken away from her. Is that the kind of person, you are you'd let her kill herself in front of her son. She has to realize that you have to follow to rules. If your daughter has that many problems maybe she should be in a facility where she can be monitored and put on medication. If you don't call crisis on her, I will call it myself. The cat has to go today, if your daughter is going to be screaming at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat. . ."
Over and over until the words were grounded into my brain, until I was hysterical shaking and crying, until my mother betrayed me when she got off the phone and said she was calling crisis and we were getting rid of the cat.
Now let me explain this to people who will be agreeing with this landlord, yes a cat is a cat. But it's principal of the matter, coming from a girl that lost everything at one point who was homeless for year, who lost her father during her pregnancy and he never got to meet his grandson. Losing a cat is not just losing a cat, it's losing another member of my family. Jiji was just as much a part of my family as my boyfriend and my mother and my son and myself. Maybe some people don't think that because you're thinking what my mother was thinking at the time, your apartment is more important-- You were homeless and you rather risk losing another apartment over a cat. It's the fact that she didn't listen.
I have a letter from my doctor explain that the cat is there to help my mental health. But she didn't care, she said that I should be put away if I'm take unstable that a cat is going to help me if I'm going to get that upset over it. I belong in a hospital, but I want to make it clear that I never acted like that until she said we had to get rid of the cat.
I was fine.
My mother and boyfriend will say the same.
Even the cops that were called about me screaming said that it was stupid, that a cat's not a big deal especially if it's there to help me. He just said to find a new place, the problem is we can't and our landlord made sure we knew that too. She made sure to ground into our brain that she "saved" us from the motel and that she can put anyone in one of her three building. Guess what the building I live in is still have burnt because of a fire and the hot water lasts like twenty minutes and our clothes are washed with cold water. We only took this place because it was lead paint free, she wasn't a savior-- She's nothing but a landlord, these building go up in flames again she's got nothing. She doesn't even live here, she lives in another city completely and comes around to fuck around with peoples lives.
She owns three buildings and she thinks she's God.
She threatened to have my boyfriend taken out of the house and away from his child-- Illegal unless said by the mother of the child.
She threatened to have my child taken away from me, because I'm suicidal thus impose a danger to my child.
She threatened to evict us and then made sure we knew that we couldn't afford anywhere else. And brought up our past eviction, which would make it easier for her to evict us.
She threatened to call 911 on me and have me brought in as crisis because I'm suicidal.
All because of a cat that was helping me with my anxiety problems. Now I cried all night missing my poor cat because we had to let him stay with my boyfriend's parents, I cried with nightmares of her making my boyfriend leave, of making Gaige get taken away from me, of me being escorted away in a straitjacket because I'm crazy. And all she kept saying was that she'd evict us if we did do as she said.
She'd evict us.
And now she wants to come into this house next Wednesday and she wants to see if the cat is really gone. She'll put my boyfriend on the lease then, and then she's going to go over the rules one more time like we're children or something. But I do not want this woman near me, I'm terrified of her. She threatened everything all because of a cat that wasn't hurting anyone, what annoys me more is that the people upstairs have birds but because they were friends of her's and she gave the birds to them that's okay.
It's just fucking okay.
Even though it's still illegal, one tenant cannot have something another tenant is not allowed to have. But she doesn't care, she wanted to cat out and that's what she got but now I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I'm being watched again, I'm always being watched and if I screw up this time I lose everything. I know it, she's listening right now but she's can't see the words I'm typing-- And so she'll never know that I am telling the world what she's doing to me, that she's making an already unstable girl go more and more and more and more and more insane.
But that okay, because we're following the rules now.
This might sound stupid to some people, but to me it's scary because after everything I've been through I'm not done jumping through hoops to be happy. The pain is never over, it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming.
Until I give in because than everyone that knocked me down can say "I told you so, see you should've put her away. We told you she was a nut."
We told you so.
And then they'd laugh, that's what they'd do.
They'd laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
I can already hear them.
But that's okay, it shouldn't bother me because I'm just the crazy girl who screams at the top of her lungs that she's going to kill herself over a cat.
Which for the record, never happened. That's what everyone in the building told the landlord the night I start crying hysterically when my boyfriend told me that we had to get rid of Jiji. The called the cops because they couldn't face me themselves, because they were too chicken, like Kathleen, the landlord she won't face me either.
They're all talk but they can't say it to my face.
I want to stop talking but I'm trying to not sound crazy but at the same time get my point across, I can just hope that no one will judge me for a bad person or for what Kathleen made me out to be. I can only hope that I was a victim and not just a freak that did get upset and overreact over a cat.
I'm sorry if you think I am a little crazy over this or even stupid for that matter.
I just didn't want to lose someone else.
Published 9th May 2013
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Anonymous
- Edited 9th May 2013 6:03pm
9th May 2013 6:01pm
<< post removed >>
9th May 2013 11:29pm
Thank you for saying that, it means alot to me. I really did think someone was going to think I was crazy for writing this, thank you so much.
13th May 2013 3:04pm
You're far from crazy Annie. Troubled yes, but we all have our demons. If anyone tried to take mittens away from me I'd be reacting the same as you had.
