Unadulterated

some interesting things going on here for me. My first time reading, I got to the word "exploited" and thought the thing took a slightly more severe tone...then with the space and the weight of "cunt" I was surprisingly dropped on my head with severity, I laughed, and in general appreciate how quick the tone found its gravity. For me the thing doesn't get erotic, it could have had the image of the woman masturbating been described more, but the narrator inserts his own philosophy in (which I don't disagree with but I find a little cold, but I do find his voice interesting and funny).
enjoyed the write Mr.A


ps. I do genuinely wonder about that word "cunt". I don't think your line involving the craft of it would register as dapper or sophisticated in any culture, but it does seem that even the sound of the thing bothers Americans more, it just has this whole other weight I think

I think that's the difference between the American and the British vocal palette. To be honest, I say the word cunt on a daily basis. I also use it as a term of endearment, as do most people I talk to in my own country, so I chuckled a little to myself when I read your comment at our little cultural differences. Personally, I think it adds a little more weight to the words. I guess it's personal taste however. It's not to say that you're wrong LB, it just fascinates me how as human beings we are all so different.    
   
The repetition of the word spine in the second stanza left me a little confused. Was this intentional or was it designed to draw attention to a specific point on a lady?  
   
"try silencing my own breath
under her exploited aloneness." - should this read tries instead of try? That's just how I want to say it when I read it out loud. Hmm.

Personally, because this is so different from what you normally write (don't see much erotica flying out of your mouth. Except in a forum when you're calling somebody the proverbial) so personally I welcome this little repertoire with fresh eyes and look forward to reading more like it in the future.    
   
Thank you dear sir, for the most enjoyable read I've had today.  

Ah well, can you imagine the word 'vagina' or 'love hole', or even 'pussy'? Then it would have been a total joke I think. Cunt is how I would call it, and what felt most normal to me I suppose. It's always shit to mention axe-wounds(in poetry), with any convincing sincerity. Unless you're shitting flowers.

It's a good thing to take your art seriously, but not such a good thing to take the products too serious. It's good that it made you smile. Surprise is usually good too. Whether the poem is any good as it is or not has nothing to do with me.

Cheers for your thoughts, man.

Missy, if you see what I did, I had little choice but to use heart and spine twice; not for emphasis, but to simply state my point. The spine/clitoris thing was primarily a focus on the nerves. And definitely try. :)

I wouldn't say this is any different from my usual. Subject matter was a little different, but nothing I hadn't done before. I wanted to be about something slightly creepy, without being creepy.

It's not a direction I'm going to run in, from one poem; that would bore me and the reader. Cheers for your thoughts, Missy. :)

'Makes the blood weird' is a curious and intriguing line placed where it is. The unexpected sound of the 'w' after all the 'b's is a great door stop. Made me think of an aye-aye, with it's one long fingernail burrowing into tree bark. There's something about the tone of that line that feels different than the rest - but I like how that sits a bit uneasily.
I really liked that this didn't become what you would expect it to. That's what most struck me, I think. It's strays into odd and quiet and uncomfortable at times, but in a way that gently pushes at something, instead of shoving it into the spotlight. I mean, whoever saw the word 'ovaries' in an erotic poem? That's brilliant. They're even given the whole end of a line to make sure you really noticed them.
I'm not quite sure about the 'unrestrained'. I know some word needs to be placed there like that, to step over that rhyme with 'here', but I think I wanted something more unexpected. But maybe that's asking for too many ovaries.
That's a soft ending to fall into.

Yeah weird.:)

You are right about my word choice there; twas lazy so it was.

Yeah 'odd' was the margin I was trying to stand in, and to be honest this could have been labelled in many of the categories, but I chose erotic just to feed that odd element.

I'll be careful not to use too many ovaries. :)

As usual, wonderfully read. Danke, Merda.

On first read, I noticed the repetition of heart ans spine but realized why it was written that way..I like the slightly gross feel as it mixes with near dejected observations. Enjoyed this read :-)

(also agree with Missy-"cunt" is a word used and heard by many here in the U.K. and it's one of those words that has varied meanings depending on context and intonation-when I lived in the USA it was a word used by very few and always in a vulgar way)

Really glad that slightly gross feel works for you. Cheers, miki.

I have never heard a woman's delicacy described in such a way, quite a beautiful thing, the act of the voyeur would be understandable.  Holding ones breath as not to disturb or be noticed.

Like your take on it MrA, great job. :)

You have now. :)

Cheers for the kind feedback, Mags.

Mr A,

I think Merda hit it spot on saying it "strays into odd and quiet and uncomfortable". The voyeur at his best, almost wanting to make himself known, yet unwilling. A different write and a great point of view. Enjoyed!

tornado  

Thanks, Tornado. Hope you don't mind me muscling in your genre slightly.

hmmm...so much attention to one little word

to cunt, or not to cunt.......

"between the intelligence of nerves
and the honesty of darkness"--- is most masterly.

ego & id bumping into each other, neither knowin what to say or do......keeping oddquiet uncomfortable.....bravisimo grande

This creepy bastard is ever so pleased wit ya praise, saxman. Grazi.

"The unculpable sound
of pure, unabridged femininity
on her tongue"

I love that you paint her blameless in this moment, considering how negatively such  moments have been viewed in the West, down the ages.  I especially like her "unculpability" given the culpability of the voyeur; does his blood quicken because he likes what he hears, because he's blushing, or because he's being a sneak by staying to listen.  Glorious write.

It's good to see a smart girl's take on it, and reap some enjoyment. Always wonderful to have you stop by, kaatho. Thanks.

You have compiled a list with the most common words included in an erotic poem yet again this poem doesn't feel like an erotic poem would. Does it resist eroticism? It seems to be too concerned with being a strict and an almost half mad half melancholic poem rather than an erotic one.
Now don't be fooled by my criticism. This is a well written poem
with a fine imagery. Thank you for the read.

It doesn't resist eroticism, it peeks at a different angle. It's not intended to arouse, but to make you think. Hopefully. Half mad? It certainly is. Very human.

Think you for the honest, and appreciated feedback, ophi.

had me at makes the blood weird. no, i lie: it was blind black. this is undeniably sexy, but then i'm a bit of a sapio.

enough people have given comment, so i'll keep it short... my, aren't there some daft cunts about :)

Now, now, chelsea smile. Let's not go swinging caft dunt remarks like that around. Not while they're still sheltered, at least.

Thank fook for ya sapioness. Danke. :)

This is really interesting. Not what I expected, but you are talented anyways. Almost dreamlike. :)

JaimeBun

If you say so, Jaime(in a)Bun.

Thanks for the visit.

Somehow this unnerved me a bit, like this women was really a lesbian in disguise or something, and the fact was ripping his heart, slowly, apart, or maybe I'm just a little too emotionally charged today.

Charged? Defo.
Cheers anyway, man.

She would never make those sounds
if I was with her.

watching, in attempted silence

clever

Thank you, three three one three.

Hello I think to me this is one of the cleverest reads I've had pleasure of reading.  It gives just a shades view of the full picture with much tension and the secretive nature made it delightful.  When I got to the c word ( chose not to write it all even though being British I have no issue with it just thought the over study of that word to me slightly stole a bit of the thunder from this piece which I think is a shame.  The whole write is impeccable and it all had an air of surrealism to me merely by the comparison terms.  Ie clit/ spine.  I cannot fully explain not being overly educated I am just expressing my opinion and emotional reaction to what is probably one of the best reads I've ever read on here.  Ty syn.  Ps wish I had written this piece.  

Hello-there. Well, use of the word (I'll say it for you) cunt, definitely brought it out of the flowers section. Wanted it slightly more on earth.

Thank you for the overly kind words, miss.