THIS JAGGED EDGE  (II)         (newly revised, longer version)

     
i lie face down      
upon my stomach      
out at the end      
of this wooden pier      
gray and cloudy day above      
warmth of obscured sun      
radiates back up
so comforting   
through my clothes      
so wonderfully into me      
from off these sun warmed      
weathered boards      
beneath me here      
out at the end      
of this old comforting      
friendly wooden pier      
where gazing off its side      
transfixed  i stare      
down into the slowly lapping      
gentle flow      
of these opaque  dark waters      
hypnotically moving      
so calmly below      
in which i see      
my reflection      
staring back up at me      
gently  drunkenly swaying      
with my recently      
broken heart      
still pounding steadily away      
so achingly in my ears      
and chest      
to such a prolonged degree      
of sustained intensity      
that      
icanhardlybreathe      
at all      
for i have somehow      
now become        
only this lifelessly numb      
completely dysfunctional      
lost study in gray      
so ready to implode      
for i ve walked      
this jagged edge for you      
ever since you chose      
to so coldly and cruelly      
make our love no more      
now already over      
two weeks ago      
and yet      
all this unbearable pain      
has still not      
diminished a bit      
much less even begun      
to slightly go away      
where i am still      
this ruined mess      
so exhaustively stuck      
in the abysmally hopeless depths      
of my seemingly relentless despair      
wherein it  even here now      
feels as if i m literally dying      
to simply just let go      
but my broken heart      
for some strange reason      
still wont let me ryet      
until i can find      
some more effective way      
to completely kill
all of whatever
remnant ghosts
may yet still be left
inside me here
of any and allotted
my fuckin love for you      
so i can finally      
once and for all      
at long last      
let you go        
so i can      
hopefully if i can      
move on with my life      
once more against
only this time      
without you in it      
nor anywhere even near it      
at all      
anymore ever again      
for i am now forever more
totally done      
with you      
and with all your heartless      
hurtful      
shitty  little lies      
which i now know        
but unfortunately      
had to learn the hard way      
is all still only      
who you truly are      
and most likely      
may always still be inside      
so i ll  just let you      
keep on being you      
to live with that sad      
toxic truth s      
contagious poison s      
infectious fact      
intractably trapped in tact      
within the subconscious      
confines      
of your own dark hearts      
still unresolved      
festering  internal pollution      
and perhaps      
some day      
when i ve more fully healed      
i might even come      
to one day thank you      
and all your heartless      
hurtful      
shitty  little lies      
for simply helping me come      
better late than never      
i suppose      
to eventually      
see the light      
but only in      
the private  inner silence      
of my own recovered      
resilient heart      
and mind alike      
which have both now      
equally learned      
at this fairly late point in my      
ongoing lifes      
increasingly fleeting journey      
to genuinely forgive      
but to also wisely      
never forget      
at risk of ever repeating again      
such hard earned      
hard learned life lessons      
as this one s      
devastatingly cruel  painful gift      
you so mercilessly      
gave me      
which i now have in turn      
karmically returned      
and gifted you freely back      
by simply enduring      
then facing its pain      
until i finally        
came to see      
recognize  learn
and joyously realize we
the hidden lesson      
within its incredibly relentless      
unbearably grievous pain      
which is now      
no longer      
mine at all      
but only your dark
soul deep wound alone      
to do  amend  to heal
and deal with
or not 
whatever and however      
you may      
or may not      
choose to      
want to or like      
but it doesn t matter      
to me at all      
because this evil  toxic gift      
which you alone created      
is yours      
and yours alone to keep
to either find some way      
to completely dissolve      
and finally resolve      
or to simply accept
that you re just gonna have to learn
how to live with it
and the heinously ugly fact      
that it is forever yours now
to toxically carry within you      
and it is now once again      
yours and yours alone      
to forever      
karmically      
own