Submissions by Fallen_Angel_194 (Angel.)
POEMS AND SHORT STORIES
Poet Introduction
"Light the flowers of the earth like incense and come dance with me in a field of fire" - Johnny Ox
Empty VS. Full
There is this emptiness inside of me, that lives inside of my lungs and slithers its way down into my stomach.
I cannot seem to decide which I am afraid of more; being full or always being empty.
I cannot seem to remember a time when I wasn't both.
I remember being the only kid in class to bring jenny craig protein bars for snack,
I remember being so hungry at school that I became dizzy, and I remember my middle school diet of sugar free gum and gatorade.
I think maybe that the emptiness has always been inside of me; lying dormant.
Waiting to suck the life...
I cannot seem to decide which I am afraid of more; being full or always being empty.
I cannot seem to remember a time when I wasn't both.
I remember being the only kid in class to bring jenny craig protein bars for snack,
I remember being so hungry at school that I became dizzy, and I remember my middle school diet of sugar free gum and gatorade.
I think maybe that the emptiness has always been inside of me; lying dormant.
Waiting to suck the life...
#food
#EatingDisorder
544 reads
0 Comments
Diet pill mondays
All you see is the soft body that is holding my soul, but you do not truly see me for me.
You do not see the bony fingers shoved down red raw vomit coated throats,
Or diet pill infused red bulls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
You do not see me; You just see the body that I inhabit.
You do not see how hard I have tried to become nonexistent, to become so hollow and empty so that I am finally beautiful like you, like everyone else.
You do not see how I often I compare my body to my little sisters, or how I skip meals until I get dizzy.
You know nothing...
You do not see the bony fingers shoved down red raw vomit coated throats,
Or diet pill infused red bulls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
You do not see me; You just see the body that I inhabit.
You do not see how hard I have tried to become nonexistent, to become so hollow and empty so that I am finally beautiful like you, like everyone else.
You do not see how I often I compare my body to my little sisters, or how I skip meals until I get dizzy.
You know nothing...
#food
#EatingDisorder
321 reads
2 Comments
Late night thoughts
Sometimes I do not think I am a woman, nor am I a man; I am just me.
That I am just a swirl of cosmic being, all that energy shoved into one vessel.
That the flower living between my thighs is almost miniscule when it comes to my being.
That the mounds of flesh living upon my chest are worthless; because I am so much more than the vessel I am living and breathing in.
I am everything, and I am nothing at the same time;
I, am infinite.
That I am just a swirl of cosmic being, all that energy shoved into one vessel.
That the flower living between my thighs is almost miniscule when it comes to my being.
That the mounds of flesh living upon my chest are worthless; because I am so much more than the vessel I am living and breathing in.
I am everything, and I am nothing at the same time;
I, am infinite.
#identity
#SelfReflection
343 reads
1 Comment
Cuts
Sometimes I think that I am finally done with aching to be sunken into the oblivion waiting for me below; and then it all comes back to me so fucking fast.
I miss the way it used to burn, how the neurons living inside of the flesh resting on my bones would cry out, but that was alright,
Because then at least for a moment; the world was quiet.
I miss how it would silence the numbness living inside of my hollowed out bones
And how it reminded me that I was alive.
I know it must sound Bizarre, to miss tearing into the flesh and bone living on my body, ...
I miss the way it used to burn, how the neurons living inside of the flesh resting on my bones would cry out, but that was alright,
Because then at least for a moment; the world was quiet.
I miss how it would silence the numbness living inside of my hollowed out bones
And how it reminded me that I was alive.
I know it must sound Bizarre, to miss tearing into the flesh and bone living on my body, ...
#SelfHarm
#MentalHealth
392 reads
2 Comments
Benzonatate
Benzonatate sits on my bedside table and mocks me when the pain is too great and all I can do is cry.
I try not to think of how easy it could all be for me,
One, two, three and maybe four capsules, and a glass of water.
The pain living inside of my lungs would finally be silenced, I, would be silent.
I like to hide it inside of my drawer, that way I cannot see or hear how it calls out to me at night, or how my body aches when I think about it too much.
They say an overdose on it can cause seizures, comas, or heart attacks,
And Sometimes, I think it could...
I try not to think of how easy it could all be for me,
One, two, three and maybe four capsules, and a glass of water.
The pain living inside of my lungs would finally be silenced, I, would be silent.
I like to hide it inside of my drawer, that way I cannot see or hear how it calls out to me at night, or how my body aches when I think about it too much.
They say an overdose on it can cause seizures, comas, or heart attacks,
And Sometimes, I think it could...
#depression
#death
#suicide #MentalHealth
#suicide #MentalHealth
300 reads
2 Comments
Cigarettes and Sex
Say that you love me; even if you don’t.
I want to taste the salt living on your skin;
Because it has touched more of you than I ever will.
I want to hold you in my arms even if you are planning to Jab the knife right between my lungs.
You taste like roses and whiskey; sin and everything good.
You remind me of cracked lips and paradise;
Loving you to the point where I fucking hate you.
Say that you love me; even if you don’t.
I want to taste the salt on your skin;
Because it has touched more of you than I ever will.
I want to kiss...
I want to taste the salt living on your skin;
Because it has touched more of you than I ever will.
I want to hold you in my arms even if you are planning to Jab the knife right between my lungs.
You taste like roses and whiskey; sin and everything good.
You remind me of cracked lips and paradise;
Loving you to the point where I fucking hate you.
Say that you love me; even if you don’t.
I want to taste the salt on your skin;
Because it has touched more of you than I ever will.
I want to kiss...
#love
#lover
416 reads
3 Comments
Rage
I am nothing but rage; all pain and hate.
There is no happiness inside of me left,
Happiness left me when Mom did, and Anger and depression took their places instead.
I am nothing but pain; all sorrow and hate.
Pain lives inside of my chest and sits upon my lungs. hate became a part of me when my mom left, and now it is often hard for me to feel anything at all.
I am nothing but rage; all pain and hate.
There is no happiness here, Depression took Happinesses place when I realized I might always feel this way; so dead.
I am nothing but pain; all...
There is no happiness inside of me left,
Happiness left me when Mom did, and Anger and depression took their places instead.
I am nothing but pain; all sorrow and hate.
Pain lives inside of my chest and sits upon my lungs. hate became a part of me when my mom left, and now it is often hard for me to feel anything at all.
I am nothing but rage; all pain and hate.
There is no happiness here, Depression took Happinesses place when I realized I might always feel this way; so dead.
I am nothing but pain; all...
#anger
#hate
#hurt
272 reads
0 Comments
Avoidance
I cried tonight because I miss the taste of warm home cooked meals and saturday night movie days in the living room with everyone crowded onto two couches.
I cried because I'm turning twenty this year and I don't even know if you'll be there to celebrate my birthday with me,
I cry because I miss my mom and I cry because I hate you and I hate that I hate you.
I miss the taste of the street tacos that I used to beg you to make me, and I miss how you would shoo me out of the kitchen for picking at dinner before anyone else could,
And I miss how you'd secretly let me. ...
I cried because I'm turning twenty this year and I don't even know if you'll be there to celebrate my birthday with me,
I cry because I miss my mom and I cry because I hate you and I hate that I hate you.
I miss the taste of the street tacos that I used to beg you to make me, and I miss how you would shoo me out of the kitchen for picking at dinner before anyone else could,
And I miss how you'd secretly let me. ...
#IMissYou
#separation
209 reads
0 Comments
To Vanessa
I go between hating you with every fiber of my being, every cell living inside of my body, to crying at two in the morning because I can't remember what you smell like anymore. Crying comes easy most nights like these because you aren't here. I think about you more than I'd like to, and I hate that. I go between missing you like the sky misses the stars to pouring out the so called precious plant babies that are now long gone and dead. He mentioned the holidays yesterday and suddenly you were the only thing on my mind once again, and I hated it. What will christmas be like, Mom? Will you...
#grief
#separation
232 reads
0 Comments
Never again
Today was the first time in a long time that I was truly afraid of you; and I hated every single fucking second of it.
You ran at me and I couldn’t help but scream, and that’s when I saw it lingering inside of your eyes; the rage.
Today was one of the first days my heart has ever broken for my little sister, because she is becoming just like me.
Today won’t be the first occurrence with you, but it will be the most memorable.
The first day you planted a seed so dark and fear filled that she will now jump every time you slam something.
You have changed her...
You ran at me and I couldn’t help but scream, and that’s when I saw it lingering inside of your eyes; the rage.
Today was one of the first days my heart has ever broken for my little sister, because she is becoming just like me.
Today won’t be the first occurrence with you, but it will be the most memorable.
The first day you planted a seed so dark and fear filled that she will now jump every time you slam something.
You have changed her...
#anxiety
#abuse
#manipulation #fear
#manipulation #fear
347 reads
1 Comment
An Ocean away
I think that If I spent as much time hating the person living inside of me as much as I did picking at every other piece of myself, it might not be so bad.
I don't remember where it all started, where it became less beauty and more hellfire.
I don't know when it became less about being starved and more about being starving,
Or where the anger came from, or why it still bubbles and pools under my skin like hot volcanic magma.
I think that If I spent as much time hating the human being living on the inside of my skin as I did trying to learn to love her, that the...
I don't remember where it all started, where it became less beauty and more hellfire.
I don't know when it became less about being starved and more about being starving,
Or where the anger came from, or why it still bubbles and pools under my skin like hot volcanic magma.
I think that If I spent as much time hating the human being living on the inside of my skin as I did trying to learn to love her, that the...
#identity
#SelfHarm
#SelfDiscovery
229 reads
0 Comments
Silver spoons
When I was a little girl I used to like the feeling of being the coldest person in the room,
In hopes that I could listen to the cool whooshing metallic clinking of everyone else's bones.
I used to like the feeling of heavy limbs and scratchy soft wool sweaters, because they could keep me so warm while everyone else was being kissed up and down by the chill in the room.
My limbs are much older now, and they clink like big empty silver clunky spoons,
But I don't like the feeling of being the coldest anymore, because I am always cold.
I am tired of being cold,...
In hopes that I could listen to the cool whooshing metallic clinking of everyone else's bones.
I used to like the feeling of heavy limbs and scratchy soft wool sweaters, because they could keep me so warm while everyone else was being kissed up and down by the chill in the room.
My limbs are much older now, and they clink like big empty silver clunky spoons,
But I don't like the feeling of being the coldest anymore, because I am always cold.
I am tired of being cold,...
#identity
205 reads
0 Comments
DU Poetry : Submissions by Fallen_Angel_194 (Angel.)