hang on to your breath
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~You can take the three of us but you'll never catch the others~ Issue Mar 2018

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Hello and welcome to this the first ever issue of {insert cool name here} . To that end, Its your absolute pleasure to be introduced to myself: Craic, himself -the lord Viddax and herself -Grace of the island. we'll keep your eyes and brain company for the duration.

Now, if you've got this far you're probably wondering why....and you'd be in good company.
So what's this club all about, you might ask. Well, here are some regularly asked questions and answers.

Q. what's this club about ?
A. go away

Q. what if I don't want to !?
A. then you're in the club

Q. How do I get out..
A. you go away

Q. is this a club or isn't it
A. if you want it to be

Q. you're mental ?

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Okay, bit of a thing we're going to be doing in regards to you, our fellow poets. It'll be in two halves. The first half will be known as ~ The thing after ~ and the second half will be known as ~The thing after that~

Anyhow, back to me. I'll take a question. You there, yes, with the eyes. Go ahead.
"Hullo, I'm Candy from somewhere. My question is; where did the name Craic-dealer came from?"
Thanks, Candy. Good question. The phrase itself is bi-lingual, that's to say it's made up of the Gaelic word Craic (fun, happiness, a good time) and the English words dealer. Craic-dealer was fairly un-mainstream until Dara O' Brien used it to title his stand up tour of 2012. Now, I know what you're thinking but I cannot prove nuthin's. I have set little traps however and as soon as he titles a tour Craic-in-a- box, or The Ministry of Craic I will hunt him down.

Anyhow its good you asked because the question leads nicely into this:

I on the world

NOW HEAR THIS!!! The great leader of our free world -President Donald Trump- has designated March to be Irish heritage month.
So for the month of March, Irish immigrants should post all their food to any absentee landlords they may know. (If in doubt, post to Mayo county council.) Then present them at Ellis Island to have the shit beaten out of them by protestant gangs.
Participants should then either make their way to the nearest theatre of war and die or sign up to help build the great wall of remembrance.

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Elsewhere - in a rare display of subtlety, Zimbabwean Health Minister David Parirenyatwa highlighted the need for homemade condoms when he pointed out Chinese ones "aren't up for the task "

Two un-Russian-ed athletes were made Russian again when they were found to have taken banned substances. Sanctions may follow as it's believed at some point they were told by Russian sporting body to have a positive Olympics.

Slightly related, it's now widely accepted Nadezhda Sergeeva IS the Russian sporting body

Paola Saulino, an Italian model was been banned from instagram because concerns she may sway the Italian electorate in the upcoming presidential elections.
Paola (or Paula in civilized countries) offered to put her mouth where her politics are and pleasure all males with it who vote against the now president.
....also running is renowned gent Punani Berlusconi

In Dublin, Ireland, a man was jailed after he went ape on his neighbour for "incessantly reciting poetry" the man forced his way into the apartment wielding a serrated peeling knife and stabbed his victim twice: once in the leg and once in his inflated ego. The attack went on for some minutes until the poet armed himself with a large bottle of vodka. presumably the assailant fled before the poet could drink the vodka and turn into the ghost of Brendan Beehan

In Pennsylvania, US a pastor has defended his decision to hold re-vow ceremony in which the participants were encouraged to and mostly did bring ar-15s with them.
Some woman who was among protesters outside the church-like-place told CNN "It's like a big F U to the victims. A big F U."
The pastor, who appeared to have a Burger King crown upon his head said the Book of Revelations says iron rods must be used in the name of God and though it wasn't a gun blessing ceremony it wasn't not a gun blessing ceremony either.


locals In Chatham islands could have been left bemused when a drunk Austrailian engineer built a large 49.5 million dollar penis onto the side of their brand new half million dollar wharf. the Wharf, however was welcomed by the islanders, though the mayor noted it'd be nice to have a ship too

mostly Austrsilian chief engineer Hugh d'Milkman was heard to say it was the hardest thing he'd done. though some avid readers might beg to differ..

In Romainia a court has refused to overturn a man's death certificate which was issued at his (ex) wife's request some years ago. Constantin Reliu stood before the judge and explained he'd "went to Turkey for ten years" but despite his explanation and obvious aliveness he walked out of court a dead man. which means the ex's new hubby can't kill him twice..
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Now, we'd like to dedicate some words to the mobile phone people. You. You golden geese. You mountain of ore, you fields of natural gas and wells of crude oil. YOU, who toil through the endless traps and pop ups and still ...STILL~ post your poems and thoughts. You, the work-horses who build a nice country house in middle England brick by brick, tile by tile, and slate by slate. We stand in awe.

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A new European study has shown significant increases in skepticism towards global warming. The study focused on people with access to fifteen brain cells or more and who were alive when KFC ran out of chicken.

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The thing after:
Right, for this thing we're going to give you a little brain tease. We've drafted in a mystery poet and asked said poet stuff pertaining to their poetry, and outlooks. The challenge at hand is figure out who the poet is. So, without further ado, we give you who (?)



1. What would you say is your most reoccurring cause of inspiration?

I used to think it was love, or the power of the muse, or the underbelly of human despair, but these days I like to think it's something different. It's often the humble dandelion. The misshapen tree. The humour of the Gods in the way nature unfolds itself. Every bit in the right place at the right time. Nature has a million lessons to teach to those who want to hear the lesson.

2. Do you often create poems around a theme or sense or even a phrase, or do you take the style of writing and see what happens?

Quite often I will get a singular line of a poem that appears in my head and I sometimes build a poem around that phrase. Because of that tendency I have this terrible habit of writing things down when they enter my mind, so I'm constantly cursed with finding random sentences on the back of receipts, bills, even my leg if I have nowhere else to write.

3. What would be your reaction if you learned that someone had got into a fight for liking one of your poems over more renowned pieces?

Nothing. Poetry is personal preference at the end of the day. Some of my favourite poets out there are the "less" well known players out there.

4. What colour, shape, and smell do you think your style has, and what would you like it to be?

Colour eh.... I've always felt this calling to the colour purple. Probably my favourite colour. I love that it's not quite dark enough to be black. It has that wistful kind of hope about it that things might get better.

Shape... I'm gonna go with triangle because like all universal constants that contain the number three, I like to think I hold a little piece of that puzzle in my pen.

Smell... it would smell like mulch and bark. The smell of English rain on a Summer's day. The smell of freshly baked cake coming from a cafe on a grey afternoon.

5. Can you tell us about your earliest experience of you writing in general and writing poetry?

I was always writing in some capacity. At school, I often wrote short stories and excelled in the subject on an educational level.

I didn't really start writing again until about ten years ago, when I unfortunately had a nervous breakdown, and didn't leave the house for some months. I won't go into the absolute horror of that time in my life, but all I know is one day I picked up a pen and started to write words about my day. Colours. Smells. Observations. Soon they became lines. Then poems.

Writing allowed me to feel again and I hold it wholly responsible in a sense for my recovery. I've been writing ever since.

6. What three pointers or tips for writing would you share with everyone else?

Ok, firstly write what is real. If you haven't tasted it, touched it, fucked it, loved it, hated it... don't write about it. Writing is wholly experience, and experience makes all the difference to a piece.

Secondly - Read. Read. Read.
Read other people's work. Read the greats. Read the random. Read the not so greats. Learn what it is that makes a poem. Learn what moves you. Learn what your style is and what it isn't.

Thirdly - Never think you aren't good enough. Know that poetry is a totality of human experience and that your translation of that experience is as valid as anybody else's.

7. Can you share your favourite, most used, and strangest word with us?

My favourite word is probably "oleaginous". I mean, what a gorgeous word to come out of the English language and a total joy to say.

My most used word would probably be "fuck". I genuinely don't understand the prudence of swearing. Fuck is such a joy to say, and is ultimately universal. It transcends most languages in the worlds. Everybody knows what it means, really. I'm quite the advocate of swearing. I just think it's a part of the human experience that isn't utilised to its full potential.

Strangest word - Nidificate. "To build a nest". What a totally beautiful metaphorical exploration that can become.

8. If poetry was outlawed in your country would you still write?

Yes. Yes I would.
I read a plaque once on a historical site that simply said "what starts with burning books, ends with burning bodies" - and that's so profound. Without words, without education, knowledge, poetry and all that is beautiful in this world, we are just meat covered bones hurtling through space.

And who wants to be more than that?



so, there ya go. who could that be ? now we give you:

The thing after that:

for this thing, we'll field your questions to the mystery poet. don't want to make it too easy so we'll cap it at two per p

so, open yourself a sub-page. mention The thing after that, and ask your questions.

you're welcome, and impressed by the sheer inovation, and we're impressed that you recognized it

now, some home news :

on some forum Craic was seen to nearly get something right ..again when he and some poets faced off over the treatment of bound and gagged lovers. an idiot's thread was censored...

Wait :), sorry about that -our correspondent only has a couple of seconds an hour window in which to speak..

*some days later*

ah yes, the word idiot was used in a way which might portray a person to be of little inteligence. outrage was sparked, buttons were clicked and in a fuck me pink moment the Lord Viddax done something

meanwhile, on another thread about something -Grace of the islands appealed for calm when the system was called into question by unhappy poets. the unhappy poets appeared distraught at the prospect of having to think of or make up a word

un-moved by the poet's distraughtnessness <~ [we know, but it wasn't easy] the webmiss was seen to unleash the: awww, have you tried being an adult [not an actual quote] presumably borrowed from the Doc

[its ok, Doc takes the piss all the time. ..its her job]

anyhow, moving on. Its that time of year again. around this time waaaaaay back in the the 5th century a welsh man named Maewyn Succat climbed a mountain in co Mayo Ireland and gave a sermon to the natives. next thing -about a trillion snakes came out of where they'd been hiding since the dawn of time, made straight for the Atlantic ocean and drowned themselvs

some trick that, Maewyn.


anyhow, post a Limerick and we'll give the best one a trophy. mostly
......... ......... ......... ......... ....

as you know, none of this would have been possible without the toil and sweat of our very own web-miss, or Webby as we like to affectionately call her

it dawned on us that we know very little about dear Webby. so we've trawlled the forums, found any bit of information we could, then sent it on to some profiler fellow who got back to us post haste:

re: Webby:

I'm almost certain she has two eyes. at least one and a third. and she's either a post-op smurf or in the process of becoming a smurf. though, I wouldn't rule out Wimbledon Womble ...or yer one from Hollyoaks. that is all. pay me now


...... ....... ....... ....... .......

Check my poems if u want

So, this thread is about getting off your chest. ...no, Veronica. *sigh* read it again


anyhow. *club hug* what's got you today *Club awww* rubbed you up the wrong way. *club sigh* taken your blue skies and shat grey all over them.



for me, today, its the carpenter next door who's still ploughing away at a wardrobe.

noisey fkr.

in a civilized world my neighbour would have knocked in with a gift of home made scones and forwarned me of the impending noise levels. bit no, nothing. ..well fuck you too Gregory. fuck you too


to make matters worserer, the carpemter (at least thats what the sign on the van says) thought he could sneak the noise into us. light hammer here n there, light saw, then bam, full on fkn building site.

I want my scones, damnnit

Hullo, good peeps of the Igloo and how do you DU. ohhhh, have we got a thread for you. (the answer is yes, yes we have.)

so, this thread is about sharing music. your tastes, likes, hates. span years, genres. prick our ears and fill our minds with your memories, your smiles, your tears

so :

-something old-

-something blue-

-something live-

-something new-

-something dear to you-

-something you stumbled upon and it surprised you-

edit: couple of new sonethings

something wierd n wonderful


something which should be deleted from existence



ok, so you can make multiple submissions, so there's no need to explode trying to choose one song out of a hundred trillion. go with what springs to mind, post a link, post your thoughts. link your thoughts 😎

There were these goats, put on an unihabited island.
the goats made more goats, and more, and more
Soon the goats had eaten all the grass and trees bare.
They started dying of starvation.
The people decided to catch and slaughter them.
the goats bleated so sorrowfully, having a traumatic affect upon the one who had to slay them.

On earth, just a few hundred years ago,
European farms were being stretched to the limits in trying to keep their country's people from starvation.

They were saved by bird shit. On some islands in Peru and Chile, there were bird droppings that had built up for thousands of years, a rich fertilizer. British and Spanish and Portuguese ships began sailing the ocean blue, bringing the guano home.

That Bird Guano made possible the qaudrupling of the European population.

One day, the bird shit ran low, as all good things do.
Fortunately, some scientists, around 1900, discovered how to make fertilizer from the Nitrogen in the air, using an electric arc, turning it into nitric acid, or ammonia, depending on the technique, which plants can turn into amino acids, then protein.

This made possible the population we have today,

Well, with all us people, comes all our shit, being unleashed onto Mother Earth.
It is a problem some see as more dangerous than Carbon Dioxide in the air, trapping heat.

We have to get our shit together.
Some waste treatment facilities actually have experimented with processing poop to get it spread back onto farmers fields.

Once there was a family that saved all their poop and pee in pots, let it ferment, then used it on their gardens. decades later their house went into disrepair, and was torn down.
now it is used as a community garden, with amazing results.

In Jesus' day, there were about five million people on the earth,
By 1800, the human race reached two hundred times that, or 1 billion.
By 1960, 3 billion. Today we are 7.7 billion.

in 1816, there was a volcanic eruption so big it sprinkled six inches of ash over an entire land mass of Indonesia. it caused "The year without a summer" in the entire northern hemisphere of earth.

75,000 years ago, the Toba Supervolcano erupted.

By digging around in the earth's sediment layers, Geologists realized the amount of stuff spewed into the atmosphere was one hundred times more than 1812's Year Without a Summer.

The hundred times more whammo, almost wiped out humanity. It caused 6 to ten years of winter, followed by a thousand years of coldness. The population of the entire earth went down to just ten to thirty thousand people, of which, only about one to five thousand people were estimated to be in the business of makiing babies.

It is like The Adam and Eve of Science. We all came from just a few thousand people, that led to create all the many varied races of the 7.7 Billion people on earth.

Who knows what the future holds.

Will humanity end up like goats on an island?

Over here Stateside,
Brett K. is trying out for to be
A judge on our supreme Court
Which of course brings a lot of reporters rummaging around and people coming forward.
One lady said he tried to rape her at a frat party when she was15 and he 17. She said he pulled her into a bedroom at a party , flopped on top of her, and commenced to grind.This girl dropped out of social life and was messed up for years.

Another lady said she went to many frat parties, with Brett there, and became aware that he and his friend Mark were spiking the punch.
She also witnessed the boys lined up outside by of a bedroom to take turns at some passed out girl inside. Later on, this witness became the victim of being drugged then raped by a series of young men where she was too drugged to stop them.
This was evidently the frat party lifestyle back then.

In the cultural lifestyle of the 1980's,
A woman's burden.

Hey guys yo im Medicine im come from the 352
And i make music smoke weed i skate im all about the more depth in life the better but i love to party. So you know check out my poetry and my music ill be in a lot of competition's soon.

So Freud had something to say about this.
Here is some background reading to get you up to speed
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/04/30/japans-rent-a-family-industry
I will make more comments, but I have to be a fake groom in 2Hrs, and I have to get ready.

It was only last year that every few months
North Korea would detonate their latest and most powerful nuclear bomb, underground, deep below their magic mountain, where they had, over the decades, burrowed into it, miles deep, deep enough to easily survive a nuclear bomb dropped on them, by the united states.

as fearful a nuclear bomb is, it has some limitations. for example, in one of the bombs dropped on Japan, there was a church right below it, and since the forces of the bomb acted directly downward on the stone walls, it disintegrated only about 15 feet of the walls, the rest remained standing. the floors were blown away though.
Sure, for miles around, the bomb blew down every building because the force acted on the sides, blowing them over like a big bad wolfe.
But that church directly below the bomb?
It is still standing to this day,
left as a memorial of the awful day.

What do you think a nuclear bomb would do to secret factories a mile underground?
Secret factories cranking out more atomic bombs, and more intercontinental missiles?

Absolutely Nothing!
Researchers kept designing more and more powerful bombs, with their last one reaching H-bomb power,
all under protection within their human mole tunnels and chambers.

In their secret bunker mountain, they drilled a miles deep hole, lowered their bomb in, then covered it up with a mile of rock and dirt.
then blew it up.

scientists around the world with earthquake detecting sensors would measure the shockwaves that traveled thru the entire earth, then make a calculation
of how big the bomb power was,
and leaders around the world would wring their hands in despair at
the little bunch of elves in that mountain,
on a roll making one bomb after another.


Until, well,.it all just stopped.
A few monthes later,
the fearless leader of North Korea
said he will now give it all up.
what happened?
well this is what happened.
German seismologists studied the worldwide shockwave data, and noticed several Earthquakes within the magic mountain, about three hours after the nuclear detonation. they concluded what happened was the nuclear blast shattered the supporting rocks that in a few hours triggered a mountainwide collapse, wiped out all the secret chambers and underground factories for bombs, as well as all the Russian rocket designers and bomb research teams.
although the mountain could laugh off a bomb dropped from the air, by
burying a bomb a mile underneath them and detonating it, they destroyed themselves.
Not only did they lose their bomb and missile making factories, but also all the good men and women who returned to the 'safety' of their underground labs and offices. three hours later, the entire mountain collapsed from within. the collapse of all their labs and chambers sent out shockwaves seen by the German seismologists, WHUMP, WHUMP WHUMP, as one, then another then another as the weight of the mountain crushed every underground lab and chamber.

So like a good game of poker, the North Koreans are trying to get a peace deal and some kind of assistance to bring their country out of the dark ages as fast as they can before anyone discovers they are no longer a tiger, just a whimpering puppy.
Of course the intelligence community knows this, but Team Trump is so excited about taking credit for getting a peace deal they can take credit for,
they are all in
on the upcoming parade

has anyone ever escaped?
has anybody out there known anybody tha could quit?
if so, let us know

I’m so fucking pissed off
I’ve had a really bad day
You took my money hey
I’m not crazy or insane

:) Hi all Igloo-ers! Let’s have fun and write a story poem together. Let’s write Four Lines each but try to make our entry relate to the earlier post. After every ten installments, we will compile it and post it on the thread. You may also post it on your own page, with credits to the group and Igloo of course. You may PM your questions.