...i am unreservedly willing
to be the canvas
you draw, stroke and scroll upon
You are what? "[U]nreservedly"? What's wrong with just saying "...i am willing?" even in the lower case, see how humbling and submissive that is? "...i am willing"
I know your attempting to stress just HOW willing you are, but to submit is in the action of, not expression. So just submit humbly, like that of a little girl...because that's how you feel.
We pretty much understand what a canvas is for without the ensuing cliches. Why limit him? What it he wants to paint? Or use wine? Or just admire its pristine nature? What is wrong with saying, simply, "...i am willing to be your canvas"? Say that out loud in a submissive voice. How does it sound? Do you really need to extrapolate what he can do? Or how willing you are to allow him to do it?
after each curvature has been explored, meticulously traced,
revealing an exhibit which drips of your hard lined artistry
found to coalesce with silky smooth once autographing my page
Again...this is limiting and or instilling ideas vs just allowing him control...do you need all this? Does it seem verbose? Can you eliminate some fringe by simply saying (taking into account the previous suggestion):
"...i am willing to be the canvas for your masterpiece"
Do you see how much imagination that leaves (though personally I don't think you need masterpiece)? Do you have to accentuate what a canvas looks like? Or how it feels? We already know that. We know women are curvy. We know an orgasm consists of silky smooth dripping from his hard autograph pen.
This is the difference in an A and a B movie. A cheap hotel or a sandy beach. Harsh lighting vs natural lighting. Allowing someone's individual imagination, wants, preferences, tastes to explore erotic poetry is essential to connection, or you lose them with redundancy.
~;• *• •* •;~
...i am continually longing
to be orchestrated
into exuding harmonious melodies
as you masterfully conduct the combined flats with sharps,
found ambiguously hidden behind each bar
creating for us a majestic unparalleled opus
Now you've gone from visual art to musical composition. How can this be worked into the previous suggestion?
~;• *• •* •;~
...i am perpetually yearning
to have walls constrict
imploding as they collapse around you
after quaking erupts high on your richter,
once roadways broaden with a simultaneous surge
giving way as they elevate and displace due to flooding
Now you've lost me and I just want this critique to be over because it's just going on and on. We know a vagina constricts around a penis during sex and orgasm. We know it's desired. Taryn...we know what happens during an earth-quaking toe-curling orgasm. How can you work this in more gently with the aforementioned suggestions to emphasize the depth of your feelings? Not the physical aftershocks of an orgasm reaching a 8.5 from his hard autograph pen to his now "Richter" scale? You've extended what could be one beautiful stanza into four (thus far).
Did I read Johnny in saying that it seemed there were many poems in one? I agree with him there is quality here. But, if you're attempting to expound upon the range of the experience by comparing it to visual and musical art compounded with an earthquake in the same poem, you've just destroyed the art.
Art 101: Too much paint or interaction of such causes it to be muddy. That's what's happening here. Too much paint in too many different colors.
~;• *• •* •;~
...i am endlessly needing
to feel all of my tears cascade
as your name escapes in whispered heavenly cries
once you resurrect the dead which cleanses all decay,
when drowning our demons submerged within
gifting salvation while answering my greedy beg
This is the part when you're lying in bed afterward where he wishes you'd just shut up and fall asleep with him. Fucking, making love, creating a masterpiece, composing a symphony, cleaning up after an earthquake and exorcising demons is HARD (no pun intended). It's time for the reader to rest. I'm EXHAUSTED.
~;• *• •* •;~
...i am tethered to overwhelming hungers...
• always here ready •
...to fulfill our
...let me feed you...
again and again,
~;• *• 🔆 •* •;~
NO! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. (LOL!) I've lost count of all these stanza's now that could be compressed into one beautiful, orgasmic, spiritually delving revelation that not only opens the doors to fantasy and imagination, but would make the reader relax (vs thinking..."enough already!"), sit back, close their eyes, and exhale while thinking, "Damn...that bitch can write".
Notation: Taryn, I've observed you for almost two years, and with the exception of a few pieces of your erotica (that I've commented on), it's basically the same extraneous expression. I feel this honest critique (which has taken me over 2.5 hours, btw) is forthcoming and a catalyst to your evolution as a writer. I would never invest this amount of time on any writer that I didn't feel was serious about perfecting her craft from a new depth of character and emotion. You're in the critique thread. Something inside you is saying, "Let me out of this surface expression." You're a water sign and yet you're only skimming the surface on your erotica. DIVE. DEEP. Like on your "Blankets" poem.
Do it with sex too.
Who do you read? Have you ever read Kate Chopin? Read "The Storm" and other works of hers. They're short stories, but I feel they would help you immensely.
Then, after reading her, look at this again. What do you see?
To leave you with the power of brevity regarding erotica, and demonstrate how it should leave the reader feeling, e.g.- free, unconstrained in imagination, fully open to their own experience, ee cummings demonstrates it perfectly here:
wild (at our first) beasts uttered human words
—our second coming made stones sing like birds—
but o the starhushed silence with our third’s
Now THAT is the aftermath of feeling you want to aspire to. That delicious inhale of a silent cigarette (no I don't smoke - just giving an example of feeling). And you know what? I believe you can do it.
Now let the private messages saying they can't believe I critiqued you like that begin. "Like, OMG! I can't believe she said that! Don't listen to her! You're AMAZING!"..And, I agree, you are amazing. However, I believe you can be extraordinarily amazing. Of course, the choice is always yours as to whether you want to grow your craft or not. I am, after-all, but one voice with a singular opinion. Which, for you is Kate Chopin.