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~ Critique Series ~

poet
crimsin
Unveiling
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 25th Jan 2011
Forum Posts: 1489

JohnnyBlaze said:

Some people excel at heaping praise because commenting in itself is an art form like poetry. You can only say the same thing over and over until you sound like a broken record and even

disengenous, like one particular member of DUP  who used to quote snippets of poems and say That was my favorite line!!! with numerous emojies. He left hundreds upon hundreds of comments in precisely this manner because he was just sucking up to as many members as possible for attention ( while contributing no poetry on his own behalf ). I doubt he was even reading the poems.


I've been thinking about this for awhile Johnny.. I'm a novice writer and I believe giving a great critique good or bad an art form all by it'self.. One that I've yet to master.. I comment to the best of my reading comprehension what I enjoy about a poem.. sure there are many poems I can't even get through because I think they are so poorly written.. I avoid saying so as I take notice they are usually beginner writers and don't want to take the wind from their sails.. so I don't comment at all.. I've been one to complain about the lack of honest critique but the more polished writers are wary of giving it because of the negative responses they get for their efforts.. I will continue to do my best to learn.. At the moment I'm just getting my writing legs hoping that being a good editor and critique giver will follow.. If not I will continue doing what I love and that is write and interact with those on this site whose writes I do enjoy..

with best regards Crimsin

poet
Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 3rd Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 402

I would like to submit this poem for honest critique in this workshop...

Thank you very much
xoxo Taryn

Tethered

...i am repeatedly craving
to be tenderized, seasoned
then seared which will lock in and retain our every flavor of passion
when my sweet flesh is prepared, garnished then tabled,
splayed with a one-of-a-kind delicacy for you to devour in growls
leaving eyes to savor the unconsumed remains after having your fill


~; * * ;~
*

...i am constantly thirsting
to be held firmly within your grip
when i am swept by pulsing urges and aching throb
after they swell, roll and arrive
to make contact with my deepest inner depths
where aspirations will be quenched behind stolen breaths


~; * * ;~
*
...i am unreservedly willing
to be the canvas
you draw, stroke and scroll upon
after each curvature has been explored, meticulously traced,
revealing an exhibit which drips of your hard lined artistry
found to coalesce with silky smooth once autographing my page


~; * * ;~
*
...i am continually longing
to be orchestrated
into exuding harmonious melodies
as you masterfully conduct the combined flats with sharps,
found ambiguously hidden behind each bar
creating for us a majestic unparalleled opus


~; * * ;~
*
...i am perpetually yearning
to have walls constrict
imploding as they collapse around you
after quaking erupts high on your richter,
once roadways broaden with a simultaneous surge
giving way as they elevate and displace due to flooding


~; * * ;~
*
...i am endlessly needing
to feel all of my tears cascade
as your name escapes in whispered heavenly cries
once you resurrect the dead which cleanses all decay,
when drowning our demons submerged within
gifting salvation while answering my greedy beg


~; * * ;~
*
...i am tethered to overwhelming hungers...
always here ready
...to fulfill our
desires
and
desperate needs...


...come...

...let me feed you...
again and again,
eternally


~; * 🔆 * ;~
*


poet
JohnnyBlaze
Johnny Blaze
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 375

Taryn said:I would like to submit this poem for honest critique in this workshop...

Thank you very much
xoxo Taryn

Tethered

...i am repeatedly craving
to be tenderized, seasoned
then seared to lock in and retain our every flavor of passion
when my sweet flesh is prepared, garnished then tabled,
splayed to offer a one-of-a-kind delicacy to be devoured in growls
leaving eyes to savor the unconsumed remains after you've had your fill


~; * * ;~
*

...i am constantly thirsting
to be held firmly within your grip
when i am swept by pulsing urges and aching throb
after they swell, roll and arrive
to make contact with my deepest inner depths
where aspirations will be quenched behind stolen breaths


~; * * ;~
*
...i am unreservedly willing
to be the canvas
you draw, stroke and scroll upon
after each curvature has been explored, meticulously traced,
to emerge an exhibit which drips of your hard lined artistry
found to coalesce with silky smooth once autographing my page


~; * * ;~
*
...i am continually longing
to be orchestrated
into exuding harmonious melodies
as you masterfully conduct the combined flats with sharps,
found ambiguously hidden behind each bar
creating for us a majestic unparalleled opus


~; * * ;~
*
...i am perpetually yearning
to have walls constrict
imploding to collapse around you
after quaking erupts high on your richter,
once roadways broaden with a simultaneous surge
to give way as they elevate and displace due to flooding


~; * * ;~
*
...i am endlessly needing
to feel all of my tears cascade
as your name escapes in whispered heavenly cries
once you resurrect the dead to cleanse all decay,
when drowning our demons submerged within
to save us while answering my greedy beg


~; * * ;~
*
...i am tethered to overwhelming hungers...
always here ready
...to fulfill our
desires
and
desperate needs...


...come...

...let me feed you...
again and again,
eternally


~; * 🔆 * ;~
*


Oh, where did Todski go? Such a sensual poem is more his wheelhouse than mine.  I'm not sure I could write anything romantic without using the word boner. Maybe Ahavati will come to the rescue.

I will say that the stanzas that read the best are those with the least amount of to's.

Perhaps this is too content rich?  It's a bit overwhelming;  a lot to digest.

Could it be that you have more than one poem shoehorned in here? I'm a big fan of quality over quantity, but you've got quality up the wazoo going on in this.

I suggest splitting this into multiple works.




poet
Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 3rd Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 402

JohnnyBlaze said:

Oh, where did Todski go? Such a sensual poem is more his wheelhouse than mine.  I'm not sure I could write anything romantic without using the word boner. Maybe Ahavati will come to the rescue.

I will say that the stanzas that read the best are those with the least amount of to's.

Perhaps this is too content rich?  It's a bit overwhelming;  a lot to digest.

Could it be that you have more than one poem shoehorned in here? I'm a big fan of quality over quantity, but you've got quality up the wazoo going on in this.

I suggest splitting this into multiple works.





Johnny, thank you so very much for taking the time to critique my write! I will admit I am conscious of the "to's" and get frustrated when I feel I am unable to use an alternate choice of wording...I try not to repeat key words in each write which I do.

Perhaps you are correct and I could have shortened this a bit using less stanzas. I appreciate all of your thoughts!!

Perhaps Ahavati could also take a look, I would welcome her thoughts and suggestions as well.

Thank you again!
xoxo Taryn

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Forum Posts: 327

Hey guys. I'm trying to clear some time to address both yours and Brenda's response - I'm knee-deep in scheduling for facebook this week, but will try this evening or first thing in the morning. xo.

Where IS Todski?!

poet
Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 3rd Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 402

Ahavati said:Hey guys. I'm trying to clear some time to address both yours and Brenda's response - I'm knee-deep in scheduling for facebook this week, but will try this evening or first thing in the morning. xo.

Where IS Todski?!


Outstanding!! i look forward to hearing from you when you have the time!

xoxo Taryn

I have no idea where he is, lol...

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Johnny Blaze
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LOL Actually, I know where Todski is. We frequent another poetry establishment. He's just been there and here less frequently as of late. I suspect busy with offline work.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Johnny Blaze
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Taryn said:

Johnny, thank you so very much for taking the time to critique my write! I will admit I am conscious of the "to's" and get frustrated when I feel I am unable to use an alternate choice of wording...I try not to repeat key words in each write which I do.

Perhaps you are correct and I could have shortened this a bit using less stanzas. I appreciate all of your thoughts!!

Perhaps Ahavati could also take a look, I would welcome her thoughts and suggestions as well.

Thank you again!
xoxo Taryn


It's not so much the repetition of the word "to",  but rather the effect it has after so many encounters. In Stanza 1,  it appears 5 times.  I find myself accepting the stanza may never end, in expectation that even more information will be introduced.

That expectation carries over into later stanzas. I begin to put greater and greater emphasis on "to" when I know I shouldn't be.  My brain insists otherwise. It is almost Pavlovian : to = more information is coming.

He went to the store to purchase a screwdriver to screw the board back on the shed to which he would store the lawnmower used to maintain the grounds. that ...........

poet
Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 3rd Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 402

JohnnyBlaze said:

It's not so much the repetition of the word "to",  but rather the effect it has after so many encounters. In Stanza 1,  it appears 5 times.  I find myself accepting the stanza may never end, in expectation that even more information will be introduced.

That expectation carries over into later stanzas. I begin to put greater and greater emphasis on "to" when I know I shouldn't be.  My brain insists otherwise. It is almost Pavlovian : to = more information is coming.

He went to the store to purchase a screwdriver to screw the board back on the shed to which he would store the lawnmower used to maintain the grounds. that ...........


so you feel it would be better stated...?

He went to the store intending to purchase a screwdriver which would allow  the repair of the sheds' backing so he could store the lawnmower used for maintaining the grounds.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Johnny Blaze
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Taryn said:

so you feel it would be better stated...?

He went to the store intending to purchase a screwdriver which would allow  the repair of the sheds' backing so he could store the lawnmower used for maintaining the grounds.


That is better. When the to's are removed, so is that expectation of continuance.


poet
Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 3rd Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 402

JohnnyBlaze said:

That is better. When the to's are removed, so is that expectation of continuance.



I gotcha...I am revisiting the stanzas...and will let you take a look, unless you'd rather I just wait for Ahavati's input...

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Johnny Blaze
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Taryn said:

I gotcha...I am revisiting the stanzas...and will let you take a look, unless you'd rather I just wait for Ahavati's input...


I'd wait to see what she has to say.

The more input, the better.

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Taryn, if you're revising per Johnny's crit on Brenda's,  I'd rather see the revision first.

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Taryn
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Forum Posts: 402

Ahavati said:Taryn, if you're revising per Johnny's crit on Brenda's,  I'd rather see the revision first.

I was going to revise my stanzas to remove the many "to's" found in a couple of them. Nothing to do with the critique he did on Brenda's write....or am I misunderstanding you?

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
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After you revise yours edit your post above and let me know when you have.

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