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poet
case28
Alexander Case
Dangerous Mind
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Joined 16th June 2013
Forum Posts: 1874

Zazzles said:


Hello Case, I absolutely agree structures is the core, and, I accept your challenge ha ha!!!🙋🏻
I will do it this Monday... I liked the effort you put forth in your edit suggestions. However let's wait and see how it's  perceived  as me the writer speaks it In it's oringal form, and as requested in edited form too (as it reads now)
Zazz


Excellent!  Look forward to hearing it.

But I will insist on one change!  I'd like you to think of another way to say "fear not" in your own words... because when I think of your voice saying "fear not" I imagine it will sound like Courtney Love doing Hamlet.  That's a fricken compliment by the way, because I'd pay to see the queen of grunge do Hamlet... I just think it would turn out to be something strangely debaucherous.

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 23rd Nov 2013
Forum Posts: 1042

case28 said:

Excellent!  Look forward to hearing it.

But I will insist on one change!  I'd like you to think of another way to say "fear not" in your own words... because when I think of your voice saying "fear not" I imagine it will sound like Courtney Love doing Hamlet.  That's a fricken compliment by the way, because I'd pay to see the queen of grunge do Hamlet... I just think it would turn out to be something strangely debaucherous.


funny I have replied to this post twice already, hmmmm?  anyway yes i agree this whole piece needs a total make over lol it's under construction right now lol

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 23rd Nov 2013
Forum Posts: 1042

case28 said:

Excellent!  Look forward to hearing it.

But I will insist on one change!  I'd like you to think of another way to say "fear not" in your own words... because when I think of your voice saying "fear not" I imagine it will sound like Courtney Love doing Hamlet.  That's a fricken compliment by the way, because I'd pay to see the queen of grunge do Hamlet... I just think it would turn out to be something strangely debaucherous.


Case,
I edited DNA  back to mostly my own words with a few minor edits, please have a look when you can and, ill be uploading the spoken word version sometime tomorrow early evening...

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

We swam beneath the midnight sky
anchored by the blanket on the ground
lit by orb at half mast
floating between here and there
movement was our guiding hand
when nature's lights were not enough
feeling, moving, pouring forth
dancing to the passions' tunes

our clothes were discard in the rush
by urges freed with merriment
as garments were tossed to the grass
witnessed by the moon's dim light
between the cool of whispered breeze
fresh from the dark beneath the trees
and the warmth of blanket's
our bodies moved in motions joined

exclamations escaped our lips
protestations for mercy bliss
completion desired while postponed
as we escaped from the earth
terra firma may be our home
the stars so very high above
our passions took us in between
swimming beneath the night sky.

2016, Sean Green. All Rights Reserved, 20161211.

I came across a poem called with the same title as this one I present.  I found the topic intriguing.  “Swimming Beneath the Night Sky” is my contribution to this genre.
Written by poetryaccident
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Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the Week poetryaccident has selected for critique in my opinion presents a unique scenario in which lovers are depicted as swimming not in water, but on blanketed land. Scarcely-utilized-to-completely-original ideas such as this score big bonus points with readers who get tired of poets regurgitating the same stories over and over.





Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

We swam beneath the midnight sky
anchored by the blanket on the ground
lit by orb at half mast
floating between here and there
movement was our guiding hand
when nature's lights were not enough
feeling, moving, pouring forth
dancing to the passions' tunes

our clothes were discard in the rush
by urges freed with merriment
as garments were tossed to the grass
witnessed by the moon's dim light
between the cool of whispered breeze
fresh from the dark beneath the trees
and the warmth of blanket's
our bodies moved in motions joined

exclamations escaped our lips
protestations for mercy bliss
completion desired while postponed
as we escaped from the earth
terra firma may be our home
the stars so very high above
our passions took us in between
swimming beneath the night sky.





Let's start with rearranging existing lines and words and removing both redundant information and unnecessary words.

Bold Text highlights slight modifications or additions I make such as capitalizations or adjustments of tense.

The lines I have italicized involve the metaphor that can be later improved upon.






Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

lit by orb at half mast
Movement was our guiding hand
when Nature's lights weren't enough
floating between here and there
feeling, moving, pouring forth
dancing to the passions' tunes

anchored by the on blanketed on the ground
we swam beneath the midnight sky

Witnessed by the moon's dim light
by our urges freed with merriment
discarded in the rush with garments were
as clothes were tossed aside to the grass  
Between the refreshing of whispered breeze
cooled from the dark underneath the trees
and blanket's warmth of the
our bodies moved in motions joined

Terra firma may well be our home
but we escaped from the Earth
in quivering lipped exclamations escaped our  
and protestations for mercy bliss
as completion climax desired while was postponed
Above, the stars so very high  
our passions took us in between
Swimming beneath the midnight sky





Now, let's focus on the rest that was italicized. The idea of swimming in the blanket is a good one, but let's go a step further by equating the lovers and their passions with water.

We'll also make some further bold texted suggestions.

And we'll insert some dramatic pauses.





Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

Movement was our guiding hand
when Nature's lights weren't enough
as we poured ourselves together
into a swirling pool of passion

on blanketed ground

We swam beneath the midnight sky

Witnessed by the moon's dim light
our urges released with merriment
discarded in the rush with garments
tossed aside in carefree abandon
Between the refreshing whispered breeze
cooled from dark underneath trees
and blanket's warmth
our individual
bodies of water
becoming one


Terra firma may well be our home
but we escaped from the Earth
in quivering lipped exclamations  
and protestations for mercy
as climax was postponed

Above, the stars so very high  

Swimming beneath the midnight sky





And that's it!

See how we made the most of the writer's original words and ideas?

All the poem really needed was a few minutes more of finesse. The alterations I made are not permanent.

poetryaccident, thank you for allowing me to honestly critique your work.




poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 993

Amazing critique, Blaze! Thank you so much for your time and expertise! DUP greatly appreciates it.

poet
Poem-Worm
Poetry Worm
Guardian of Shadows
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Joined 1st Nov 2016
Forum Posts: 279

JohnnyBlaze said:Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the Week poetryaccident has selected for critique in my opinion presents a unique scenario in which lovers are depicted as swimming not in water, but on blanketed land. Scarcely-utilized-to-completely-original ideas such as this score big bonus points with readers who get tired of poets regurgitating the same stories over and over.





Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

We swam beneath the midnight sky
anchored by the blanket on the ground
lit by orb at half mast
floating between here and there
movement was our guiding hand
when nature's lights were not enough
feeling, moving, pouring forth
dancing to the passions' tunes

our clothes were discard in the rush
by urges freed with merriment
as garments were tossed to the grass
witnessed by the moon's dim light
between the cool of whispered breeze
fresh from the dark beneath the trees
and the warmth of blanket's
our bodies moved in motions joined

exclamations escaped our lips
protestations for mercy bliss
completion desired while postponed
as we escaped from the earth
terra firma may be our home
the stars so very high above
our passions took us in between
swimming beneath the night sky.





Let's start with rearranging existing lines and words and removing both redundant information and unnecessary words.

Bold Text highlights slight modifications or additions I make such as capitalizations or adjustments of tense.

The lines I have italicized involve the metaphor that can be later improved upon.






Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

lit by orb at half mast
Movement was our guiding hand
when Nature's lights weren't enough
floating between here and there
feeling, moving, pouring forth
dancing to the passions' tunes

anchored by the on blanketed on the ground
we swam beneath the midnight sky

Witnessed by the moon's dim light
by our urges freed with merriment
discarded in the rush with garments were
as clothes were tossed aside to the grass  
Between the refreshing of whispered breeze
cooled from the dark underneath the trees
and blanket's warmth of the
our bodies moved in motions joined

Terra firma may well be our home
but we escaped from the Earth
in quivering lipped exclamations escaped our  
and protestations for mercy bliss
as completion climax desired while was postponed
Above, the stars so very high  
our passions took us in between
Swimming beneath the midnight sky





Now, let's focus on the rest that was italicized. The idea of swimming in the blanket is a good one, but let's go a step further by equating the lovers and their passions with water.

We'll also make some further bold texted suggestions.

And we'll insert some dramatic pauses.





Swimming Beneath the Night Sky

Movement was our guiding hand
when Nature's lights weren't enough
as we poured ourselves together
into a swirling pool of passion

on blanketed ground

We swam beneath the midnight sky

Witnessed by the moon's dim light
our urges released with merriment
discarded in the rush with garments
tossed aside in carefree abandon
Between the refreshing whispered breeze
cooled from dark underneath trees
and blanket's warmth
our individual
bodies of water
becoming one


Terra firma may well be our home
but we escaped from the Earth
in quivering lipped exclamations  
and protestations for mercy
as climax was postponed

Above, the stars so very high  

Swimming beneath the midnight sky





And that's it!

See how we made the most of the writer's original words and ideas?

All the poem really needed was a few minutes more of finesse. The alterations I made are not permanent.

poetryaccident, thank you for allowing me to honestly critique your work.

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/257565-swimming-beneath-the-night-sky/



This is the stuff poets are made from. DUP appreciates your contribution of time And commitment to excellence.

poet
Littlepinkscorpion
Strange Creature
United States
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Joined 31st May 2017
Forum Posts: 4

I have been in to poetry as longer as I can remember I have tried to find my voice in poetry but it's hard ad he'll bc most people think potrey should constantly rhyme how true I'd this? I was taught to make poetry. U have to make it rhyme all the way through I want to be able to wright menfuly works of art help me plead .and my inspiration can't find it help any ideas will help thanxs

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
31awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 993

Littlepinkscorpion said:I have been in to poetry as longer as I can remember I have tried to find my voice in poetry but it's hard ad he'll bc most people think potrey should constantly rhyme how true I'd this? I was taught to make poetry. U have to make it rhyme all the way through I want to be able to wright menfuly works of art help me plead .and my inspiration can't find it help any ideas will help thanxs

Who do you read?

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

The Wind

Wind is blowing with a sense of an evil mind
Love is fading from every human kind
Doves were buried on a prophetic night
Left with this wind, in faded ember we look for light

Nobody dream anymore, they drained the soul out of our lives
Live with nothing they rule the crowd with empty hopes and lies
Being no one to stand they build pillars on all four sides
Guarding the seed, the seed where humanity lies

Thousands of years passed; we are still fighting the war
The fight for survival, the fight for our souls
Some sang, “Don’t give up the fight” but all we did was sing along
Some sang, “They don’t care about us” but all we did was dance to the song

Slowly the wind makes you doubt your friend
Unable to trust anyone; they cornered you to an end
Give you a choice to perish your self or amend
Till you finally give up and sell your soul to them
Written by dejure (vick)
Go To Page  
Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the Week dejure ( vick ) has selected for critique involves a
song about a kingdom in which the wealthy systematically remain wealthy and the poor likewise remain poor. This kingdom exists in a windy apocalyptic future.

dejure also mentioned that while he was fond of Stanza 1, Line 2  was more or less filler.



The Wind

Wind is blowing with a sense of an evil mind
Love is fading from every human kind
Doves were buried on a prophetic night
Left with this wind, in faded ember we look for light

Nobody dream anymore, they drained the soul out of our lives
Live with nothing they rule the crowd with empty hopes and lies
Being no one to stand they build pillars on all four sides
Guarding the seed, the seed where humanity lies

Thousands of years passed; we are still fighting the war
The fight for survival, the fight for our souls
Some sang, “Don’t give up the fight” but all we did was sing along
Some sang, “They don’t care about us” but all we did was dance to the song

Slowly the wind makes you doubt your friend
Unable to trust anyone; they cornered you to an end
Give you a choice to perish your self or amend
Till you finally give up and sell your soul to them




We want to utilize as much of the author's original wording and ideas as possible.

However, it would benefit the poem to impress upon the reader that the song itself has been handed down though the generations for those thousand of years mentioned. Like an anthem, a rally cry. The words may have changed here and there throughout the course of time, but the main message has endured history.

So, I took the liberty of adding in italics an introductory verse and an ending verse, creating a poem around the song.

Also, I tried to incorporate as much of the backstory dejure relayed to me that wasn't in the original; that the song was being recalled by a boy who lives outside of the kingdom. He hears it in his mother's voice. The current ruler of said kingdom has a good heart, but it is not enough to change the status quo.

You'll notice that the stanzas have been rearranged and excess wordage has been removed.

Try not to think of this as Johnny Blaze rewriting dejure's work.

Instead, think as this as dejure rewriting his own work through the filter of Johnny Blaze to see what it could be like with all the backstory that wasn't included in the original.



The Wind

Sing with me now, Son
words relayed through generations
Hear it from your Elder's tongue
Fair rulers have come and gone;
still the poor struggle
with little to live on
Until our war is won
keep this song in your heart sung


"The wind slowly wears you down
makes you doubt a friend
Without trust, you may give up
Sell your soul in the end

Drained of desires
except to dream no more - No!
Pillars of systemic oppression
erected Millennia ago
 
The cruel wind blows
with dust of a desolate mind
absent of any Light and Love
feeds the needful with blight

Dove of Peace in flight
was lost in the Great Storm  
Embers of Humanity's fire
we stoke to keep warm

To sing “No one cares about us”
is to not stand a fighting chance
Though some sang, “Don’t give up”
they did nothing but dance

Since we put the "war" in class warfare
the years have come and gone
Sing with us now, but
don't ever dance to this song"

Sing along with me now, Son
but don't you dare

don't you ever dare
dance to this song





dejure, I want to thank you for allowing me to Honestly Critique your poem.  What it truly was missing was the backstory you relayed to me off the board. Feel free to discard or make use of any changes I introduced.




poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

As for dejure's Spotlight Poem of the Week, there wasn't a darn thing wrong with it. I could've only made it worse.

poet
dejure
vick
Dangerous Mind
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Joined 17th Aug 2015
Forum Posts: 1787

Thank you, Johnny Blaze, so much for taking your time to rework on my poem.
Am truly amazed to read the poem, this one creates the visuals that I intended but couldn't fit into my original version..

thank you so much for your support...

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
31awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 993

What an amazing transformation! The backstory really made the difference in the heritage angle of the song. Never doubt the personal aspect of the poem, it's the meat ( or tofu for vegetarians! ) of the stew.

Mr. Blaze, thank you for another amazing critique and being an integral part of The Poet of the Week Feature.

Dejure, congratulations on your well-deserved feature. It's been a pleasure working with you.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

AFTERMATH

I remember that night 
at that Miami motel 
where we skipped 
upon the rose petals 
you put on the bed 
like Ginger Rogers 
and Fred Astaire facing
the music and dancing.

Black and white clarity
in a world bloated
by rainbows coddled
in an incontinence
of confections force 
fed by advertising men 
focused on finagling 
feelings till we buy big.

That night with the smell
of a citrus moon slipping 
past the drawn curtains .
The sweet synchronicity 
between your eyes and lips
dazzling the dust out 
of the shopworn grey
matter staling in my skull .

Though far from strangers 
the first buss snuck in like 
shy teenagers spinning 
the bottle at a party.
A giggle as I blew a gentle 
puff of air in your ear before 
the loveliest of smiles crinkled
the corner of downy cheeks.

Brushing back the waves 
of coffee colored hair 
so I could drop deeper into 
the tawny cradle of your eyes 
as hugs and kisses grew 
sloppier and words trailed
off into murmurs and hums
igniting the heart of the room.

Pulling down the periwinkle 
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bare
like soft mounds of snow.
Vanilla cream on my tongue .
I turn on the radio to decorate 
the darkness and luck upon Van
Morrison singing "Moondance."

Your naked body atop mine
with the bravado of a trapeze 
artist like an angel swinging 
from star to star but in time 
temptations greased my palms 
and your fingers slid from 
mine and the shit I am let you 
fall to breakage undeserved .

All I own from memories
of that enchanted summer's 
eve at the circus of dreams 
are galling guilt and a troupe 
of fleas barely bouncing on 
frayed sheets after washing 
down brittle of regret with liters
of Pabst blue plasma and gin. 
Written by Quill-in-Heart (Tony Pena)
Go To Page  
Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the Week Quill-in-Heart ( Tony Pena ) has selected for critique only requires slight modifications. It is a very solid poem as is.




AFTERMATH

I remember that night  
at that Miami motel  
where we skipped  
upon the rose petals  
you put on the bed  
like Ginger Rogers  
and Fred Astaire facing
the music and dancing.

Black and white clarity
in a world bloated
by rainbows coddled
in an incontinence
of confections force  
fed by advertising men  
focused on finagling  
feelings till we buy big.

That night with the smell
of a citrus moon slipping  
past the drawn curtains .
The sweet synchronicity  
between your eyes and lips
dazzling the dust out  
of the shopworn grey
matter staling in my skull .

Though far from strangers  
the first buss snuck in like  
shy teenagers spinning  
the bottle at a party.
A giggle as I blew a gentle  
puff of air in your ear before  
the loveliest of smiles crinkled
the corner of downy cheeks.

Brushing back the waves  
of coffee colored hair  
so I could drop deeper into  
the tawny cradle of your eyes  
as hugs and kisses grew  
sloppier and words trailed
off into murmurs and hums
igniting the heart of the room.

Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bare
like soft mounds of snow.
Vanilla cream on my tongue .
I turn on the radio to decorate  
the darkness and luck upon Van
Morrison singing "Moondance."

Your naked body atop mine
with the bravado of a trapeze  
artist like an angel swinging  
from star to star but in time  
temptations greased my palms  
and your fingers slid from  
mine and the shit I am let you  
fall to breakage undeserved .

All I own from memories
of that enchanted summer's  
eve at the circus of dreams  
are galling guilt and a troupe  
of fleas barely bouncing on  
frayed sheets after washing  
down brittle of regret with liters
of Pabst blue plasma and gin.




For instance, some of the punctuation is inconsistent. There are sentences ended with periods and sentences ended with space + period. Nothing earth shattering here.

"like" is usually a word that manifests during a poet's difficulty in saying A is B. We have 3 instances of the word "like" being used in this poem. Let's use a little elbow grease to remove all 3.

I'm going to suggest breaking up some of the stanzas to put emphasis on individual facets of the recollection through the utilization of pause.




AFTERMATH

I remember that night  
at that Miami motel  
where we skipped  
upon the rose petals  
you put on the bed; <- semi-colon added  
Rogers and Astaire <- "like" simply removed, names truncated
facing the music. and dancing <- dancing is implied by the names utilized + "skipped" used earlier

Black and white clarity
in a world bloated
by rainbows coddled
in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men  
focused on finagling  
feelings till we buy big.

That night with the smell
of a citrus moon slipping  
past the drawn curtains.

The sweet synchronicity  
between your eyes and lips
dazzling the dust from  <- "out of" replaced
the shopworn grey matter <- "matter" relocated
staling in my skull.

Though far from strangers  
the first buss snuck in like  
shy teenagers spinning  
the bottle at a party.

A giggle as I blew a gentle  
puff of air in your ear before  
the loveliest of smiles crinkled
the corner of downy cheeks.

Brushing back the waves  
of coffee colored hair  
so I could drop deeper into  
the tawny cradle of your eyes.
<----------------------------------------- excessive train of thought broken up here.
Hugs and kisses grew  
sloppier and words trailed
off into murmurs and hums
igniting the heart of the room.

Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced

Vanilla cream on my tongue.

I turn on the radio to decorate  
the darkness and luck upon Van
Morrison singing "Moondance."

Your naked body atop mine
with the bravado of a trapeze  
artist, an angel swinging   <- "like" replaced with a comma
from star to star ... but in time  <- ellipsis added for pause
temptations greased my palms.  <- sentence ended  

Your fingers slid from mine <- "and" removed, "mine" relocated
and the shit I am let you  
fall to breakage undeserved.

All I own from memories
of that enchanted summer's  
eve at the circus of dreams  
are galling guilt and a troupe  
of fleas barely bouncing on  
frayed sheets after washing  
down brittle of regret with liters
of Pabst blue plasma and gin.




Quill-in-Heart ( Tony Pena ), thank you for allowing me to Honestly Critique your Poet Of The Week Spotlight Poem. I hope you can make use of the alterations I suggested.




poet
Poem-Worm
Poetry Worm
Guardian of Shadows
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Joined 1st Nov 2016
Forum Posts: 279

Thank you for another amazing critique, Johnny! We appreciate your dedication and commitment to DUP and its poets!

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
31awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 993

Fantastic critique, Blaze! Thank you for contributing your time and expertise to this series! It's greatly appreciated.

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