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~ Critique Series ~

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Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
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Ahavati said:

* Hiccup * Lemme see what I can do!


kk

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Dear heart, fear not mud pies    
second-hand clothes, taxes
or indifference

( I tend to agree with Johnny on this next stanza )

Tattered dreams and misguided emotions
are but a frame of mind      
What really matters is what you learn of Self
in quiet moments of contemplation

( ^ note the consonance of the 'm' and 'n' sounds linking half rhyme throughout the stanza. In addition you have the assonance of the 'o' adding to the lyrical chorus )

Tomorrow is part of an illusion ( < note how illusion picks up contemplation? )
inside this vast universe we call home ( < cliche alert? How could you express this in a more unique way)?    
the unknown is the only thing we  know

There are no rules;

Insecurities are but a stump  ( <-- we gots to replace stump - how about sinkhole )    
sinking into the road of everlasting confusion ( is it really everlasting? )

Suggested revision:

Insecurities are but a sinkhole
in the road of confusion

What we know and feel needs no answer        
nor audience for validation      
we already know inside

No second guesses;        
Truth is in our DNA.

Thar she blows with a tad more. Once you get it into perspective it helps you see more. Of course all of the above are just suggestions for you to keep ( as your own ), discard, or revise accordingly to personal taste.

Johnny may have additional suggests as well.

Thank you again for the opportunity! We hope you had fun, and let us know if you have any more needs or questions. xo

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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so  this was a fun experience  i have taken most of all your critiques and applied them and changed a few things as well thanks to the both of you ...
         
Dear heart, fear not mud pies
second-hand clothes,          
taxes or indifference.....          
 
Insecurities and misguided emotions
are sinkholes littering your mind
what matters is here and now.
 
Tomorrow is all part of an illusion
inside this vast universe we call home
the unknown is the only thing we know,
there are no rules...    
 
What we know and feel needs no answer        
nor audience for validation      
we already know deep inside        
our truth is in our DNA

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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WOWsa! What an improvement! Way to work that baby, Zazzles!

Zazzles said:so  this was a fun experience  i have taken most of all your critiques and applied them and changed a few things as well thanks to the both of you ...
         
Dear heart, fear not mud pies
second-hand clothes,          
taxes or indifference.....          
 
Insecurities and misguided emotions
are sinkholes littering your mind
what matters is here and now.
 
Tomorrow is all part of an illusion
inside this vast universe we call home
the unknown is the only thing we know,
there are no rules...    

I would strongly suggest editing the repetitive words; perhaps with
"the unknown is the only sure thing" ^

What we know and feel needs no answer

^ while I feel you're attempting to discern between thought ( knowing ) and emotion  ( feeling ), it reads as though you're being a bit redundant by using both - perhaps something like:

What we know innately needs no answer

^ The word innately implies a natural, inborn characteristic, which plays nicely with the theme of the work and DNA reference.
     
nor audience for validation      
we already know deep inside  

^ This basically repeats from the former line - do you really need this line?
     
our truth is in our DNA


Again, way to work with it, Zazzles. That's what I call wrestling it down!

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Ahavati said:WOWsa! What an improvement! Way to work that baby, Zazzles!



Again, way to work with it, Zazzles. That's what I call wrestling it down!


Okay I edited it again, have a look in my poetry if u want. Thanks again Ahavati  this was helpful.
Zazzles

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Related submission no longer exists.


Zazzles said:Okay I edited it again, have a look in my poetry if u want. Thanks again Ahavati  this was helpful.
Zazzles



I think it is much improved now. Great teamwork in ironing out the stumps in the road.


https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/217039-dna/

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Ahavati
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Zazzles said:

Okay I edited it again, have a look in my poetry if u want. Thanks again Ahavati  this was helpful.
Zazzles


JohnnyBlaze said:
I think it is much improved now. Great teamwork in ironing out the stumps in the road.




poet
case28
Alexander Case
Dangerous Mind
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Zazzles, I thought your poem was pretty damn good before the edits, the main area that I think needed work was the structure, because the structure tells the reader how the poem was intended to be read.  The best way to work out where you need to start a new line is to simply read your poem out loud whilst you're editing, and start a new line each time you pause.  I personally think the opening words "dear heart" is a bit cliche, and it needs a longer pause that a line break offers the reader, but instead I suggest "my dear heart" becomes the title, so that you don't steal the impact of your last stanza.

I think the advice you've already received from the ladies stalking his thread, regarding the repetition of the various "we know... you know" is on the money, but I wonder if that's just the way you roll when you speak your mind.  I think the poet's voice, the way we speak everyday, our slang and habitual words and phrases is what makes a poet unique.

I challenge you to record a spoken word reading your original poem and the edited version, and then work out what bits sound more true to yourself.

Anyway, I thought I'd give you another perspective on your poem, with a few word and structure changes for you to consider.

Good stuff, Zazzles and lady editors.




my dear heart

don't be afraid of mud pies    
secondhand clothes
taxes or indifference        
       
tattered dreams and misguided emotions
are a frame of mind      
nothing really matters
except for the weight of each moment      
       
tomorrow is all part of an illusion
inside this vast universe we call home      
the unknown
is the only sure thing        
       
there are no rules
no
not really

insecurities
are obstacles        
sinking into the road
of everlasting confusion        

we need no audience for validation
what we know and what we feel        
needs no answers        
deep inside      
       
no second guesses
the truth
is in our DNA

poet
Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
United States
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Forum Posts: 993

case28 said:
I think the advice you've already received from the ladies stalking his thread,


Oy! I only used one of my user names! But there's an idea. I'll bring Starling in to investigate next time!

LOL!




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JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
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I hope we wasn't referring to me. I mean, I know I'm a bit girly sometimes ......

Case is on the case! The more the merrier when it comes to critiques.

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Ahavati
Guardian of Shadows
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JohnnyBlaze said:I hope we wasn't referring to me. I mean, I know I'm a bit girly sometimes ......

I ❤ your feminine side! She ROCKS purple! 👊

Case is on the case! The more the merrier when it comes to critiques.

Elementary my Dear Watson!


poet
case28
Alexander Case
Dangerous Mind
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Sorry, Johnny... ladies and gents, ladies and gentlemen.  I just get lost in the heavy makeup around your eyes and didn't even notice the beard... besides what does it matter anyway, I'm convinced that I'm row, row, rowing the boat, kim jong un has fled North Korea to be a contestant in the Australian master chef, and you're all just part of a complex delusional reality inside my head... that's if I actually have a head to contain these lady thoughts.

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AgentStarling
Clarice
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Ahavati said:

Oy! I only used one of my user names! But there's an idea. I'll bring Starling in to investigate next time!

LOL!


At your service.

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 23rd Nov 2013
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case28 said:Zazzles, I thought your poem was pretty damn good before the edits, the main area that I think needed work was the structure, because the structure tells the reader how the poem was intended to be read.  The best way to work out where you need to start a new line is to simply read your poem out loud whilst you're editing, and start a new line each time you pause.  I personally think the opening words "dear heart" is a bit cliche, and it needs a longer pause that a line break offers the reader, but instead I suggest "my dear heart" becomes the title, so that you don't steal the impact of your last stanza.

I think the advice you've already received from the ladies stalking his thread, regarding the repetition of the various "we know... you know" is on the money, but I wonder if that's just the way you roll when you speak your mind.  I think the poet's voice, the way we speak everyday, our slang and habitual words and phrases is what makes a poet unique.

I challenge you to record a spoken word reading your original poem and the edited version, and then work out what bits sound more true to yourself.

Anyway, I thought I'd give you another perspective on your poem, with a few word and structure changes for you to consider.

Good stuff, Zazzles and lady editors.




my dear heart

don't be afraid of mud pies    
secondhand clothes
taxes or indifference        
       
tattered dreams and misguided emotions
are a frame of mind      
nothing really matters
except for the weight of each moment      
       
tomorrow is all part of an illusion
inside this vast universe we call home      
the unknown
is the only sure thing        
       
there are no rules
no
not really

insecurities
are obstacles        
sinking into the road
of everlasting confusion        

we need no audience for validation
what we know and what we feel        
needs no answers        
deep inside      
       
no second guesses
the truth
is in our DNA



Hello Case, I absolutely agree structures is the core, and, I accept your challenge ha ha!!!🙋🏻
I will do it this Monday... I liked the effort you put forth in your edit suggestions. However let's wait and see how it's  perceived  as me the writer speaks it In it's oringal form, and as requested in edited form too (as it reads now)
Zazz

poet
Zazzles
Broom
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Forum Posts: 1042

Case, I do agree that the title may need some changing.

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