~ Critique Series ~
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
Great. Thank you. I mad a few other edits on my own and will make these as well. Thank you for taking the time. Much appreciated.
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
Edited Version
God works mystery through you
Aware when on your knees
Accesses something deep within
Shines a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries when it’s hard to bear
Clarifies your place on earth
Former students at your gate
Proving differences made
Reveals your mother at your door
Advising, life is not laid
Repairs the strength of family
Reinforced, sturdy again
Marks gratitude for those you love
Fortitude of friends
Encourages a simple peace
Implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, feel the warmth
Through spirit, words unspoken
God works mystery through you
Aware when on your knees
Accesses something deep within
Shines a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries when it’s hard to bear
Clarifies your place on earth
Former students at your gate
Proving differences made
Reveals your mother at your door
Advising, life is not laid
Repairs the strength of family
Reinforced, sturdy again
Marks gratitude for those you love
Fortitude of friends
Encourages a simple peace
Implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, feel the warmth
Through spirit, words unspoken
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5572
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5572
Awesome, Mel.
The additional edits you performed go even further towards estabiishing momentum that carries the reader along effortlessly.
Thank you for allowing us to critique your poem.
The additional edits you performed go even further towards estabiishing momentum that carries the reader along effortlessly.
Thank you for allowing us to critique your poem.
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
The thanks goes to you and this site! Happy to be a part of this:)
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
And everyone else on it as well:)
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
I would love feedback on this one as it is not a usual heart on my sleeve...
Cognition and Emotion
A veil exists before me
Through which I visualise
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorise
Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation
Yet
To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned
Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness
Cognition and Emotion
A veil exists before me
Through which I visualise
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorise
Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation
Yet
To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned
Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness
Magnetron
Forum Posts: 433
Fire of Insight
6
Joined 20th July 2014Forum Posts: 433
Commencing spell check
mel44 said:Cognition and Emotion
A veil exists before me
Through which I visualize
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorize
Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation
Yet
To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned
Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness
Warning! Warning!
This poem lacks considerable symbology necessary in triggering the reader's process of association that would yield an emotional response.
It must have been written by a robot other than myself.
mel44 said:I would love feedback on this one as it is not a usual heart on my sleeve...
Therein lies the inherent problem.
Find a way to introduce some heart into it.
I suggest experimenting with inserting an artificially intelligent robot or robot-like character into the poem who is analyzing human consciousness in an attempt to try and make sense of its facets such as emotion.
Here is an example to give you ideas on how to proceed:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/175365-see-how-it-feels/
mel44 said:Cognition and Emotion
A veil exists before me
Through which I visualize
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorize
Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation
Yet
To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned
Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness
Warning! Warning!
This poem lacks considerable symbology necessary in triggering the reader's process of association that would yield an emotional response.
It must have been written by a robot other than myself.
mel44 said:I would love feedback on this one as it is not a usual heart on my sleeve...
Therein lies the inherent problem.
Find a way to introduce some heart into it.
I suggest experimenting with inserting an artificially intelligent robot or robot-like character into the poem who is analyzing human consciousness in an attempt to try and make sense of its facets such as emotion.
Here is an example to give you ideas on how to proceed:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/175365-see-how-it-feels/
Ahavati
Forum Posts: 14271
Tyrant of Words
116
Joined 11th Apr 2015Forum Posts: 14271
I think what Mags is saying in his own metal-headed way is that we want to hear from you, Mel. When I read this it reminded me of my former husband from the pulpit delivering a message, but not sharing how it related to him personally. The message is always more powerful when it applies to self. It's always more believable when you have experienced and share such with us. It then becomes relatable and thus personal. The connection is made between the reader and the writer beyond a textbook presentation.
You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.
You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.
Magnetron
Forum Posts: 433
Fire of Insight
6
Joined 20th July 2014Forum Posts: 433
Ahavati said:I think what Mags is saying in his own metal-headed way is that we want to hear from you, Mel. When I read this it reminded me of my former husband from the pulpit delivering a message, but not sharing how it related to him personally. The message is always more powerful when it applies to self. It's always more believable when you have experienced and share such with us. It then becomes relatable and thus personal. The connection is made between the reader and the writer beyond a textbook presentation.
You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.
Yes, integrate yourself.
Download YOUR consciousness into the poem !!!
You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.
Yes, integrate yourself.
Download YOUR consciousness into the poem !!!
mel44
Melgar
Forum Posts: 278
Melgar
Fire of Insight
9
Joined 3rd Mar 2017Forum Posts: 278
I will look at link and do my best...The feedback makes sense as I am working on the struggle to connect my data based reasoning with my emotional responses and yes therein lies the problem...unexplored territory for me... I will work on it. Thank you both for feedback. As far as spelling, Visualize and Theorize are spelled with an "S" in England...never a zed "Z"... I am trying to adjust as well. lol
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5572
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5572
mel44 said:I will look at link and do my best...The feedback makes sense as I am working on the struggle to connect my data based reasoning with my emotional responses and yes therein lies the problem...unexplored territory for me... I will work on it. Thank you both for feedback. As far as spelling, Visualize and Theorize are spelled with an "S" in England...never a zed "Z"... I am trying to adjust as well. lol
I will take Magnetron back to the shop and adjust his spell checker settings to UTC+00:00 Greenwich Mean Time Zone.
I will take Magnetron back to the shop and adjust his spell checker settings to UTC+00:00 Greenwich Mean Time Zone.