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~ Critique Series ~

poet
Exquisite_Chaos
Twisted Dreamer
United States
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Ahavati said:Not necessary; however, would love for you to link this thread for all your critiquing needs. ❤

Thank you again for the honor. 🎵


Thank YOU! And I will!

poet
mel44
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Great.  Thank you.  I mad a few other edits on my own and will make these as well.  Thank you for taking the time.  Much appreciated.

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mel44
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Edited Version
God works mystery through you    
Aware when on your knees    
Accesses something deep within    
Shines a path when you seize    
     
Forgotten grace from the past    
You are reminded of your worth    
Carries when it’s hard to bear    
Clarifies your place on earth    
     
Former students at your gate    
Proving differences made    
Reveals your mother at your door    
Advising, life is not laid    
     
Repairs the strength of family    
Reinforced, sturdy again    
Marks gratitude for those you love    
Fortitude of friends    
     
Encourages a simple peace      
Implores “You are not broken”    
Holds a hand, feel the warmth    
Through spirit, words unspoken

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Awesome, Mel.

The additional edits you performed go even further towards estabiishing momentum that carries the reader along effortlessly.

Thank you for allowing us to critique your poem.

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mel44
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The thanks goes to you and this site!  Happy to be a part of this:)

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mel44
Thought Provoker
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And everyone else on it as well:)

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Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
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mel44 said:The thanks goes to you and this site!  Happy to be a part of this:)


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mel44
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United Kingdom
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I would love feedback on this one as it is not a usual heart on my sleeve...

Cognition and Emotion

A veil exists before me
Through which I visualise
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorise

Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation

Yet

To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned

Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness

poet
Magnetron
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United States
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Commencing spell check

mel44 said:Cognition and Emotion

A veil exists before me
Through which I visualize
Affords logical reason
Leads to comprehension
Knowledge, I theorize

Self-reliant on the mind
Rendering of information
Rationalist philosophy
Cause precedes effect
Intellectual causation

Yet

To neglect emotional appeals
Argues reliance on conclusions
Influences loyalty to faith
An exclusive belief in fact
A soul disillusioned

Goodness directs morals
Faculties of consciousness
Points to a natural law
Demands consideration
Of personal usefulness


Warning! Warning!

This poem lacks considerable symbology necessary in triggering the reader's process of association that would yield an emotional response.  

It must have been written by a robot other than myself.

mel44 said:I would love feedback on this one as it is not a usual heart on my sleeve...

Therein lies the inherent problem.

Find a way to introduce some heart into it.

I suggest experimenting with inserting an artificially intelligent robot or robot-like character into the poem who is analyzing human consciousness in an attempt to try and make sense of its facets such as emotion.

Here is an example to give you ideas on how to proceed:  

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/175365-see-how-it-feels/

 


poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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I think what Mags is saying in his own metal-headed way is that we want to hear from you, Mel. When I read this it reminded me of my former husband from the pulpit delivering a message, but not sharing how it related to him personally. The message is always more powerful when it applies to self. It's always more believable when you have experienced and share such with us. It then becomes relatable and thus personal. The connection is made between the reader and the writer beyond a textbook presentation.

You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.

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Magnetron
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Ahavati said:I think what Mags is saying in his own metal-headed way is that we want to hear from you, Mel. When I read this it reminded me of my former husband from the pulpit delivering a message, but not sharing how it related to him personally. The message is always more powerful when it applies to self. It's always more believable when you have experienced and share such with us. It then becomes relatable and thus personal. The connection is made between the reader and the writer beyond a textbook presentation.

You don't have much work to do - just integrate yourself.


Yes, integrate yourself.

Download YOUR consciousness into the poem !!!

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Magnetron said:

Yes, integrate yourself.

Download YOUR consciousness into the poem !!!


Anything the Borg can do we can do better!

poet
Magnetron
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Ahavati said:

Anything the Borg can do we can do better!


I have scanned you for iambic pentametermites.

You are clear to proceed with your critique.

poet
mel44
Thought Provoker
United Kingdom
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I will look at link and do my best...The feedback makes sense as I am working on the struggle to connect my data based reasoning with my emotional responses and yes therein lies the problem...unexplored territory for me... I will work on it.  Thank you both for feedback.  As far as spelling, Visualize and Theorize are spelled with an "S" in England...never a zed "Z"... I am trying to adjust as well. lol

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JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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mel44 said:I will look at link and do my best...The feedback makes sense as I am working on the struggle to connect my data based reasoning with my emotional responses and yes therein lies the problem...unexplored territory for me... I will work on it.  Thank you both for feedback.  As far as spelling, Visualize and Theorize are spelled with an "S" in England...never a zed "Z"... I am trying to adjust as well. lol

I will take Magnetron back to the shop and adjust his spell checker settings to UTC+00:00 Greenwich Mean Time Zone.


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