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Exquisite_Chaos
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JohnnyBlaze said:Try this on for size:

held me bound
was approached
by a seamstress
who waited eagerly
within this cocoon's
shroud of darkness

Then you'll have a solid merger of seamstress and narrator.

I still have no clue who you are trying to rescue.

Who are you trying to rescue?

And why does that person turn you away?


lol...it's there...in the second to last stanza...

"navigating towards your direction
braving the storm to save us both   <~~  
I sailed on a rescue raft
with never a second thought"

I am turned away because of second thoughts on the commitment

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JohnnyBlaze
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Exquisite_Chaos said:

lol...it's there...in the second to last stanza...

"navigating towards your direction
braving the storm to save us both   <~~  
I sailed on a rescue raft
with never a second thought"

I am turned away because of second thoughts on the commitment


Yes, there is an us there and you are trying save "us both".

I was asking you to volunteer information that is not present in the poem, as in Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Parent? Friend? in the interest of knowing what I am actually critiquing.

Anyhoo .....

If the other half of "us" is having second thoughts, then that is an act of selfishness or self preservation.

It would be more apt to say

lifted by the gusts
of my blown away selfless heart,
in the updraft of its unkept promises

Otherwise your portrayal of the other person is a contradiction.


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JohnnyBlaze
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In the interest of preserving some mystery to the poem and leaving it more open to interpretation, we'll end the critique here.

Exquisite_Chaos, thank you for the opportunity to critique your poem.

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Exquisite_Chaos
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JohnnyBlaze said:In the interest of preserving some mystery to the poem and leaving it more open to interpretation, we'll end the critique here.

Exquisite_Chaos, thank you for the opportunity to critique your poem.


Thank you for the time you put into this Johnny. I will be making the last suggested change you offered as I feel it fits the write very well and helps to clear up some possible questions within the write.

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Ahavati
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JohnnyBlaze said:In the interest of preserving some mystery to the poem and leaving it more open to interpretation, we'll end the critique here.

Exquisite_Chaos, thank you for the opportunity to critique your poem.


🍪

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JohnnyBlaze
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mel44 said:https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/266398-mysterious-ways/

Johnny Blaze, would you mind having a look? I would greatly appreciate any feedback.


I'll get right on it, as soon as my brain recuperates from the 10 poems I just blitz-critiqued at another site.

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mel44 said:Mysterious Ways

God works in mystery through you
He is aware when you are on your knees
He accesses something deep within
Shines on a path when you seize
 
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
He clarifies your place on earth
 
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying you that life is not laid
 
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
He assists commemoration of friends
 
He encourages a simple peace  
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken


Mel, the only improvements I can suggest come with the dispensing of so many "He"s - most aren't necessary.

And a few minor hacks here and slashes there.

mel44 said:Mysterious Ways

God works in mystery through you
He is aware when you are on your knees
He accesses something deep within
Shines on a path when you seize
 
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
He clarifies your place on earth
 
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made < suggest :points out the differences you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying you that life is not laid
 
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
He assists commemoration of friends
 
He encourages a simple peace  
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken



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Exquisite_Chaos
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This one would be for Ahavati

Dried but Unpressed

unscented petals are frozen in time  
which mirror the poise of my head  
 
draped and dried  
unlike these eyes  
when placed into my hand  
 
yellow has aged a parchment hue  
red is now a brooding maroon  
edges lifted traced in black  
ending before we were ever through  
 
the color of envy has turned to mud  
each chatter in westerly breeze  
 
I look to the distance  
trying to translate heard whispers  
with fingers clasped upon my knees  
 
I long to hear your voice again;  
mouth unpressed alongside my ear

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Ahavati
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Exquisite_Chaos said:This one would be for Ahavati

Dried but Unpressed

The first line in the poem suggests the flowers are dried with 'unscented' and 'frozen in time'. 'Unpressed' is ambiguos and unique, whereas Dried but Unpressed isn't so much.

unscented petals[,] are frozen in time  
which mirror the poise of my head  
 
draped and dried  
unlike these eyes  
when placed into my hand  

[beautiully wept imagery]
 
yellow has aged a parchment hue  
red is now a brooding maroon  
edges lifted traced in black  
ending before we were ever through  

[The first two lines are exquisite sans the extraneous wordage of the second. Where this falters is the third and fouth. I've mulled over it since last night and would suggest something metaphoric keeping in line with the verse. Something like:

edges curled in mascara'd black  
ending half-circled before complete

Something along those lines (or those if you like them) keeping time with weeping eyes and incompletion.]

the color of envy has turned to mud  
each chatter in westerly breeze  

[As a painter mud occurs when you mix too many colors together, not just one. You could be referring to the death of envy, thus decomposition. Whatever you're saying doesn't flow very well, and without the context it's difficult to suggest.

The second line in conjunction with the first seems like a ball out of left field.  Each chatter of what in westerly breeze? Are you sure chatter is the right word? Or are you referring to the dried green leaves in the bouquet rubbing like cricket legs in the wind, thus creating a chattering mating song long gone to you? (you're welcome ).]

I look to the distance  
trying to translate heard whispers  
with fingers clasped upon my knees  

[I can relate the imagery of posture in confusion; however, is "translate" the right word? Try to tighten it up a bit. Maybe lose 'the' in L1, "trying to translate whispers" (whispers implies you've heard something) for L2, and you don't need 'with' in L3.]

I long to hear your voice again;  
mouth unpressed alongside my ear

[Excellent ending. See how "Unpressed" as a title now has a double-entendre?]


Thank you for the honor of critiquing your poem, Exquisitely Chaotic One.  

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Exquisite_Chaos
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Ahavati said:

Thank you for the honor of critiquing your poem, Exquisitely Chaotic One.  


edges curled in mascara'd black  
ending half-circled before complete
I LOVE THIS SUGGESTION AND WILL DEFINITELY MAKE THE CHANGE! THANK YOU!

My context for:

the color of envy has turned to mud  
each chatter in westerly breeze

* the green once on the flowers had browned
because of them dying...just as we were envied
by others and now we are no more

* the chatter - YES! when the dried leaves are
rubbing against each other. I considered them
"him" trying to speak to me and those are the whispers
I try to translate in the next stanza...they are low
toned, not the higher pitch of crickets but I don't know
how to keep it there/write it any other way. I like the
idea of the mating song/ritual but I don't connect with the
crickets, lol. I will gladly take another suggestion

Thank you so very much for critiquing my write! I look
forward to your reply!  

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Ahavati
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Exquisite_Chaos said:

[...]

* the chatter - YES! when the dried leaves are
rubbing against each other. I considered them
"him" trying to speak to me and those are the whispers
I try to translate in the next stanza...they are low
toned, not the higher pitch of crickets but I don't know
how to keep it there/write it any other way. I like the
idea of the mating song/ritual but I don't connect with the
crickets, lol. I will gladly take another suggestion

Thank you so very much for critiquing my write! I look
forward to your reply!  


Crickets rub their hind legs (or wings) together to attrack a mate.
I mentioned the long-gone song because the relationship has ended. You've already described the bouquet as being dried and chattering, which is a lot more annoying (and hardly whispering) than a soft song wishing for a mate to come. That's the essence of this poem. Missing. Desiring. Yearning.

Chatter seemed an intrusion to that essence. Song, however, especially a mating one, didn't. Death has its own sound, be it through trees or flowers. One just need listen


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Exquisite_Chaos
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Ahavati said:

Crickets rub their hind legs (or wings) together to attrack a mate.
I mentioned the long-gone song because the relationship has ended. You've already described the bouquet as being dried and chattering, which is a lot more annoying (and hardly whispering) than a soft song wishing for a mate to come. That's the essence of this poem. Missing. Desiring. Yearning.

Chatter seemed an intrusion to that essence. Song, however, especially a mating one, didn't. Death has its own sound, be it through trees or flowers. One just need listen



Oh, yes, I love the long gone song idea. The intended essence you picked up is completely dead on. How to reword to the cricket song is where I am having trouble. I will continue to look at that area and see how I can get it in there. I enjoy crickets, lol. Maybe this is why I am having difficulty equating to that, being somber. Not sure what to do there.

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Ahavati
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Exquisite_Chaos said:

Oh, yes, I love the long gone song idea. The intended essence you picked up is completely dead on. How to reword to the cricket song is where I am having trouble. I will continue to look at that area and see how I can get it in there. I enjoy crickets, lol. Maybe this is why I am having difficulty equating to that, being somber. Not sure what to do there.


the color of envy has turned to mud  
each chatter in westerly breeze  

Try something like this (or take it)

Envious leaves, once so green
now shriveled to the bone
orchestrate vibrations of wind
forlorne as a mating call


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Exquisite_Chaos
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Ahavati said:

the color of envy has turned to mud  
each chatter in westerly breeze  

Try something like this (or take it)

Envious leaves, once so green
now shriveled to the bone
orchestrate vibrations of wind
forlorne as a mating call



I LOVE that! Thank you!!! Can I credit you in helping with the modification at the bottom of the write?

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Ahavati
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Not necessary; however, would love for you to link this thread for all your critiquing needs. ❤

Thank you again for the honor. 🎵

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