~ Critique Series ~
Anonymous
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JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5573
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5573
Anonymous said:<< post removed >>
Yes, there is an us there and you are trying save "us both".
I was asking you to volunteer information that is not present in the poem, as in Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Parent? Friend? in the interest of knowing what I am actually critiquing.
Anyhoo .....
If the other half of "us" is having second thoughts, then that is an act of selfishness or self preservation.
It would be more apt to say
lifted by the gusts
of my blown away selfless heart,
in the updraft of its unkept promises
Otherwise your portrayal of the other person is a contradiction.
Yes, there is an us there and you are trying save "us both".
I was asking you to volunteer information that is not present in the poem, as in Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Parent? Friend? in the interest of knowing what I am actually critiquing.
Anyhoo .....
If the other half of "us" is having second thoughts, then that is an act of selfishness or self preservation.
It would be more apt to say
lifted by the gusts
of my blown away selfless heart,
in the updraft of its unkept promises
Otherwise your portrayal of the other person is a contradiction.
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5573
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5573
In the interest of preserving some mystery to the poem and leaving it more open to interpretation, we'll end the critique here.
Exquisite_Chaos, thank you for the opportunity to critique your poem.
Exquisite_Chaos, thank you for the opportunity to critique your poem.
Anonymous
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JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5573
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5573
mel44 said:https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/266398-mysterious-ways/
Johnny Blaze, would you mind having a look? I would greatly appreciate any feedback.
I'll get right on it, as soon as my brain recuperates from the 10 poems I just blitz-critiqued at another site.
Johnny Blaze, would you mind having a look? I would greatly appreciate any feedback.
I'll get right on it, as soon as my brain recuperates from the 10 poems I just blitz-critiqued at another site.
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5573
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5573
mel44 said:Mysterious Ways
God works in mystery through you
He is aware when you are on your knees
He accesses something deep within
Shines on a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
He clarifies your place on earth
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying you that life is not laid
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
He assists commemoration of friends
He encourages a simple peace
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken
Mel, the only improvements I can suggest come with the dispensing of so many "He"s - most aren't necessary.
And a few minor hacks here and slashes there.
mel44 said:Mysterious Ways
God works in mystery through you
He is aware when you are on your knees
He accesses something deep within
Shines on a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
He clarifies your place on earth
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made < suggest :points out the differences you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying youthat life is not laid
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
He assists commemoration of friends
He encourages a simple peace
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken
God works in mystery through you
He is aware when you are on your knees
He accesses something deep within
Shines on a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
He clarifies your place on earth
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying you that life is not laid
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
He assists commemoration of friends
He encourages a simple peace
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken
Mel, the only improvements I can suggest come with the dispensing of so many "He"s - most aren't necessary.
And a few minor hacks here and slashes there.
mel44 said:Mysterious Ways
God works in mystery through you
Shines on a path when you seize
Forgotten grace from the past
You are reminded of your worth
Carries you when it’s hard to bear
Former students at your threshold
Alerting of the difference you made < suggest :points out the differences you made
Reveals your mother at your door
Notifying you
He repairs the strength of family
Becoming reinforced, robust again
Notes gratefulness for those you love
And implores “You are not broken”
Holds a hand, you feel the warmth
Through spirit, with words unspoken
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Ahavati
Forum Posts: 14554
Tyrant of Words
116
Joined 11th Apr 2015Forum Posts: 14554
Anonymous said:<< post removed >>
Crickets rub their hind legs (or wings) together to attrack a mate.
I mentioned the long-gone song because the relationship has ended. You've already described the bouquet as being dried and chattering, which is a lot more annoying (and hardly whispering) than a soft song wishing for a mate to come. That's the essence of this poem. Missing. Desiring. Yearning.
Chatter seemed an intrusion to that essence. Song, however, especially a mating one, didn't. Death has its own sound, be it through trees or flowers. One just need listen
Crickets rub their hind legs (or wings) together to attrack a mate.
I mentioned the long-gone song because the relationship has ended. You've already described the bouquet as being dried and chattering, which is a lot more annoying (and hardly whispering) than a soft song wishing for a mate to come. That's the essence of this poem. Missing. Desiring. Yearning.
Chatter seemed an intrusion to that essence. Song, however, especially a mating one, didn't. Death has its own sound, be it through trees or flowers. One just need listen
Anonymous
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Ahavati
Forum Posts: 14554
Tyrant of Words
116
Joined 11th Apr 2015Forum Posts: 14554
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
Ahavati
Forum Posts: 14554
Tyrant of Words
116
Joined 11th Apr 2015Forum Posts: 14554
Not necessary; however, would love for you to link this thread for all your critiquing needs. ❤
Thank you again for the honor. 🎵
Thank you again for the honor. 🎵