~ Critique Series ~
Anonymous
Ahavati said:
Woot! I was hoping you'd hop in after your comment this morning.
The thread is ongoing so you're not too late for the party, just fashionably. 
well, i'll get to the posted poems later today then! it probably won't be until after work, so no one get all gung-ho and expect anything in the next little bit.
Woot! I was hoping you'd hop in after your comment this morning.
The thread is ongoing so you're not too late for the party, just fashionably. well, i'll get to the posted poems later today then! it probably won't be until after work, so no one get all gung-ho and expect anything in the next little bit.
I would like to get a few words in edgewise on Taryn's poem. The revised version. Not that this matters much in regards to my concerns.
This poem obviously conveys the narrator's sexual desires and exploration / fulfillment of those desires by a lover. The way it is presented to me is like donning virtual reality goggles and becoming a voyeur in a room with a couple having sex once a day for 6 days in a row. Baby, that's a lot of fucking.
However, on 7th day ..... I don the goggles and end up in a virtual room with the narrator by herself providing me with a brief overview of what their sexual relationship is like. I already know what their sexual relationship is like. I was just repeatedly treated to it. I feel I don't need to be told this.
So, in my opinion, the 7th stanza could be trash canned. It does not contribute anything new. In comparison to the other 6, it is kind of a bummer. Like I was treated to a week long vacation that ended up with having to sit through a mandatory seminar.
This poem obviously conveys the narrator's sexual desires and exploration / fulfillment of those desires by a lover. The way it is presented to me is like donning virtual reality goggles and becoming a voyeur in a room with a couple having sex once a day for 6 days in a row. Baby, that's a lot of fucking.
However, on 7th day ..... I don the goggles and end up in a virtual room with the narrator by herself providing me with a brief overview of what their sexual relationship is like. I already know what their sexual relationship is like. I was just repeatedly treated to it. I feel I don't need to be told this.
So, in my opinion, the 7th stanza could be trash canned. It does not contribute anything new. In comparison to the other 6, it is kind of a bummer. Like I was treated to a week long vacation that ended up with having to sit through a mandatory seminar.
TheGoddessMinerva said:Johnny, you had suggested several critiquers critiquing each piece. would it be helpful to now go back through this thread and critique these and post them here?
Poets, would you like another critique of the posted pieces?
or are we now to the point where this series is winding down and i should move on to other pieces? i don't want to interject myself into something that is about to go away. :)
I would be grateful for another critique. i am planning to edit the poem, but before I do, I would love to hear another thought in addition to what Johny already said
Poets, would you like another critique of the posted pieces?
or are we now to the point where this series is winding down and i should move on to other pieces? i don't want to interject myself into something that is about to go away. :)
I would be grateful for another critique. i am planning to edit the poem, but before I do, I would love to hear another thought in addition to what Johny already said
Anonymous
i plan to work on these tonight. family things took a front seat to these critiques. BUT i will get to them. promise.
Anonymous
Now Serving: Double Death Sentence
( A Murder Of Crows)
©All Rights Reserved
Empathy as scarce as water in a desert (is there a way to get rid of one as? Or even just say “empathy is like water in the desert,)
Eluding the hearts of most men in our society
For self-preservation, all are guilty
Of a crime that is far worse than robbery
Not knowing, we assumed (assumed and assuming used this close together confuses me.)
Assuming we knew better (maybe: Not knowing, we assumed we knew better. or even “not knowing, we assumed./Assumed we knew better)
The breathing we ignored
The fallen we feast upon
Men belong to the scavenger Monarchy
Feared by all, especially those that fall prey.
Who would dare revolt against their tyranny,
with Social Media as the head of the army?
Indignant cowards!
For feeling taller than those who are lesser
Stomping the lifeless just seconds after severance
Then claiming victory when all they did was spit on the corpses. (very nice line!)
Like an addict they can't help but indulge...
Who better to kill than those
Who are already left alone
Bleeding, left for dead if not that just yet? (the last part of this line confuses me. I’m not sure what it is saying. Maybe I’m just thick!)
To murder those who are slain by others
Is a crime unwritten, left unpunished
Glorified even by those whose malice matched their own
Who will serve justice then and to whom?
Karma, it seems you are on your own.
Notes:
-everything I changed is either in bold, or crossed out. (I think. I may have missed a few.)
-every line does not need capitalized.
-more punctuation would make this more readable. I had to read and re-read to make sure that I was putting the right lines together to make the right thoughts.
-I feel like I am reading an impassioned speech about an event that just took place, but i was not at the event. Since I have no idea what you are railing against, I don’t feel like I can get riled up with you.
-the strict four line stanzas, while fine, could be abandoned. Especially if you are going to add in information to help the reader along.
I think there is strong writing in here and your word choices are very good. you stay away from trite and overused words, which is a breath of fresh air You suffer from the same thing lots of poets do: you describe too much, or you leave out too much. sometimes it's both.
( A Murder Of Crows)
©All Rights Reserved
Empathy as scarce as water in a desert (is there a way to get rid of one as? Or even just say “empathy is like water in the desert,)
Eluding the hearts of most men in our society
For self-preservation, all are guilty
Of a crime that is far worse than robbery
Not knowing, we assumed (assumed and assuming used this close together confuses me.)
Assuming we knew better (maybe: Not knowing, we assumed we knew better. or even “not knowing, we assumed./Assumed we knew better)
The breathing we ignored
The fallen we feast upon
Men belong to the scavenger Monarchy
Feared by all, especially those that fall prey.
Who would dare revolt against their tyranny,
with Social Media as the head of the army?
Indignant cowards!
Stomping the lifeless just seconds after severance
Then claiming victory when all they did was spit on the corpses. (very nice line!)
Who better to kill than those
Who are already left alone
Bleeding, left for dead if not that just yet? (the last part of this line confuses me. I’m not sure what it is saying. Maybe I’m just thick!)
To murder those who are slain by others
Is a crime unwritten, left unpunished
Glorified even by those whose malice matched their own
Who will serve justice then and to whom?
Karma, it seems you are on your own.
Notes:
-everything I changed is either in bold, or crossed out. (I think. I may have missed a few.)
-every line does not need capitalized.
-more punctuation would make this more readable. I had to read and re-read to make sure that I was putting the right lines together to make the right thoughts.
-I feel like I am reading an impassioned speech about an event that just took place, but i was not at the event. Since I have no idea what you are railing against, I don’t feel like I can get riled up with you.
-the strict four line stanzas, while fine, could be abandoned. Especially if you are going to add in information to help the reader along.
I think there is strong writing in here and your word choices are very good. you stay away from trite and overused words, which is a breath of fresh air You suffer from the same thing lots of poets do: you describe too much, or you leave out too much. sometimes it's both.
Thank you Goddess for the critique. I will not quote and reason against or agree head on your suggested edits. instead I will take your advice and Johnny's into careful consideration and reference as I revise my poem ( otherwise, I might just plagiarized you both 😂😂😂 and lost my hold on the poem)
I am thankful for the time and effort you gave to my request, I can see what you mean and would remember not just with this poem but also on my future works
Be blessed Madame!
I am thankful for the time and effort you gave to my request, I can see what you mean and would remember not just with this poem but also on my future works
Be blessed Madame!
OxyMoronicMe said:Thank you Goddess for the critique. I will not quote and reason against or agree head on your suggested edits. instead I will take your advice and Johnny's into careful consideration and reference as I revise my poem ( otherwise, I might just plagiarized you both 😂😂😂 and lost my hold on the poem)
I am thankful for the time and effort you gave to my request, I can see what you mean and would remember not just with this poem but also on my future works
Be blessed Madame!
Oxy, you're a good sport.
I am thankful for the time and effort you gave to my request, I can see what you mean and would remember not just with this poem but also on my future works
Be blessed Madame!
Oxy, you're a good sport.
Anonymous
Oxy, I give up all claims to any changes! 😂Feel free to use them if you want. Thanks for the chance to critique this piece. You handled the critique process very well. :)
This is a poem I wrote awhile ago and posted on here, but I always felt something was off about it. If anyone could possibly help me figure it out.
A Scream Echoes...
A scream echoes through the halls.
With the sound of nails screeching across the walls.
A shadowy figure then appeared that is quite very tall.
It came to take my life and that is all.
It's presence surrounds me with fear and loathe,
As it reaches into me and my heart begins to slow...
...down to one knee I drop and clench my chest.
With a feeling this will be the last place I rest.
I begin realize the scream through the halls was actually me.
And the screeching across the walls was me dropping to that knee.
I'm continuously reliving the day death came to set me free.
As I burn in hell for my sins for the rest of eternity.
A Scream Echoes...
A scream echoes through the halls.
With the sound of nails screeching across the walls.
A shadowy figure then appeared that is quite very tall.
It came to take my life and that is all.
It's presence surrounds me with fear and loathe,
As it reaches into me and my heart begins to slow...
...down to one knee I drop and clench my chest.
With a feeling this will be the last place I rest.
I begin realize the scream through the halls was actually me.
And the screeching across the walls was me dropping to that knee.
I'm continuously reliving the day death came to set me free.
As I burn in hell for my sins for the rest of eternity.
ManorMyth said:This is a poem I wrote awhile ago and posted on here, but I always felt something was off about it. If anyone could possibly help me figure it out.
A Scream Echoes... <- ellipsis adds nothing
A scream echoes through the halls.
Withthe sound of nails screeching across the walls. <- reader can deduce it is sound
A shadowy figurethen appears, that is quite very tall.
It Come to take my life. and That is all.
It's presence surrounds me with fear and loathe,
As it Reaching into me, and my heart begins to slow...
...down to one knee I drop,and clenching my chest.
With afeeling this will be the last place I rest.
Ibegin realize the screamer through the halls was actually me.
And the screeching across the walls? was Me dropping to that knee.
Icontinuously relive the day Death came and to set me free.
As I burning in Hell for my sins for the rest of throughout eternity.
I have removed extraneous wordage and changed everything to present tense to reflect the tense of your first stanza. Any major word additions by me are in bold text.
The greater challenge here for you is to make the poem more compelling. Death comes for everyone. That is not compelling.
The reader has no idea what sins were committed. Why should the reader care ( or not ) if the narrator burns for eternity in Hell? This missing piece of the puzzle is what will engage the average reader's interest above and beyond what is an ordinary everyday event.
You did a great job of transitioning from Stanza 3 to 4. Your use of ellipsis here is brilliant.
A Scream Echoes
A scream echoes through the halls.
With
A shadowy figure
It's presence surrounds me with fear and loathe,
...down to one knee I drop,
I
I
I have removed extraneous wordage and changed everything to present tense to reflect the tense of your first stanza. Any major word additions by me are in bold text.
The greater challenge here for you is to make the poem more compelling. Death comes for everyone. That is not compelling.
The reader has no idea what sins were committed. Why should the reader care ( or not ) if the narrator burns for eternity in Hell? This missing piece of the puzzle is what will engage the average reader's interest above and beyond what is an ordinary everyday event.
You did a great job of transitioning from Stanza 3 to 4. Your use of ellipsis here is brilliant.
