Now Serving: Double Death Sentence
( A Murder Of Crows)
©All Rights Reserved
Empathy as scarce as water in a desert (is there a way to get rid of one as? Or even just say ďempathy is like water in the desert,)
Eluding the hearts of most men in our society
For self-preservation, all are guilty
Of a crime that is far worse than robbery
Not knowing, we assumed (assumed and assuming used this close together confuses me.)
Assuming we knew better (maybe: Not knowing, we assumed we knew better. or even ďnot knowing, we assumed./Assumed we knew better)
The breathing we ignored
The fallen we feast upon
Men belong to the scavenger Monarchy
Feared by all, especially those that fall prey.
Who would dare revolt against their tyranny,
with Social Media as the head of the army?
For feeling taller than those who are lesser
Stomping the lifeless just seconds after severance
Then claiming victory when all they did was spit on the corpses. (very nice line!)
Like an addict they can't help but indulge...
Who better to kill than those
Who are already left alone
Bleeding, left for dead if not that just yet? (the last part of this line confuses me. Iím not sure what it is saying. Maybe Iím just thick!)
To murder those who are slain by others
Is a crime unwritten, left unpunished
Glorified even by those whose malice matched their own
Who will serve justice then and to whom?
Karma, it seems you are on your own.
-everything I changed is either in bold, or crossed out. (I think. I may have missed a few.)
-every line does not need capitalized.
-more punctuation would make this more readable. I had to read and re-read to make sure that I was putting the right lines together to make the right thoughts.
-I feel like I am reading an impassioned speech about an event that just took place, but i was not at the event. Since I have no idea what you are railing against, I donít feel like I can get riled up with you.
-the strict four line stanzas, while fine, could be abandoned. Especially if you are going to add in information to help the reader along.
I think there is strong writing in here and your word choices are very good. you stay away from trite and overused words, which is a breath of fresh air You suffer from the same thing lots of poets do: you describe too much, or you leave out too much. sometimes it's both.