The "Critique Me" Thread
lovecrazy said:Id like some feedback on my writing. I only have 3 on here although ove been writing for years. Because I'm deaf I struggle with flow and would like to improve
here
I know why your here
You must be jumping in cheer
Why you think im so dense
It makes no sense
Burned in real life
Ive learned to take it in strife
You come to me and stare
But really[,] why do you care[?]
The blood down my back still wet
To you its really no sweat
Just another fucking day
Guess you know no other way
Maybe one day you'll see
Or maybe thats how youll always bee
Wait til someone uses you
Then what'll you do?
Be sure to proof read your work before submitting it. This looks auto corrected like you wrote it in on a phone or tablet and then submitted it without having given it a second glance.
Be consistent with your punctuation.
fair weather friend
I stand by you in vegas
While you still have chips to play us
I stand by you when the sun is out
I'm sure you'll drive us about
Smile laugh and throw a party
I'm here to stay
I'm up and your down
I'm living life... go away
Never give you your due
Ive got lots of people
You... only a few
You are trying to mesh two perspectives here and it really isn't working. Be one person or the other, not both at the same time.
compare
I can't compare with those girls with curves
I'm more the type someone special deserves
I shouldn't think about butts that twerk
That seems to matter only to jerks
Now about boobs that jiggle. ...
Ive got enough to fiddle
I will never compare to girls with experience
I'm top shelf they're on clearance
This is the best of the three.
It would be better if you somehow mentioned the other girls being on clearance because they are cheap and easy and artificial in the sense that they are superficial, putting too much emphasis on physical appearances.
You would then also have a great opportunity to work in the correlation between "top shelf" and having natural breasts.
As is - without any explanation as to why the narrator is a premium grade product, she comes off sounding jealous of other girls who are more physically endowed for no reason.
here
I know why your here
You must be jumping in cheer
Why you think im so dense
It makes no sense
Burned in real life
Ive learned to take it in strife
You come to me and stare
But really[,] why do you care[?]
The blood down my back still wet
To you its really no sweat
Just another fucking day
Guess you know no other way
Maybe one day you'll see
Or maybe thats how youll always bee
Wait til someone uses you
Then what'll you do?
Be sure to proof read your work before submitting it. This looks auto corrected like you wrote it in on a phone or tablet and then submitted it without having given it a second glance.
Be consistent with your punctuation.
fair weather friend
I stand by you in vegas
While you still have chips to play us
I stand by you when the sun is out
I'm sure you'll drive us about
Smile laugh and throw a party
I'm here to stay
I'm up and your down
I'm living life... go away
Never give you your due
Ive got lots of people
You... only a few
You are trying to mesh two perspectives here and it really isn't working. Be one person or the other, not both at the same time.
compare
I can't compare with those girls with curves
I'm more the type someone special deserves
I shouldn't think about butts that twerk
That seems to matter only to jerks
Now about boobs that jiggle. ...
Ive got enough to fiddle
I will never compare to girls with experience
I'm top shelf they're on clearance
This is the best of the three.
It would be better if you somehow mentioned the other girls being on clearance because they are cheap and easy and artificial in the sense that they are superficial, putting too much emphasis on physical appearances.
You would then also have a great opportunity to work in the correlation between "top shelf" and having natural breasts.
As is - without any explanation as to why the narrator is a premium grade product, she comes off sounding jealous of other girls who are more physically endowed for no reason.
Just wanted to emphasize this for any new members to DUP.
When submitting your writing, choose option Friendly Feedback if you do not feel comfortable with having your work publicly critiqued which can sometimes be accompanied with suggestions for potential improvements.
If someone is being abusive in their comments, there is a report poem ( adult content ) link that will get the attention of a Moderator.
An actual Private Message to a specific Moderator containing a link to a poem receiving abusive comments is more likely to be acted upon in a timely fashion.
When submitting your writing, choose option Friendly Feedback if you do not feel comfortable with having your work publicly critiqued which can sometimes be accompanied with suggestions for potential improvements.
If someone is being abusive in their comments, there is a report poem ( adult content ) link that will get the attention of a Moderator.
An actual Private Message to a specific Moderator containing a link to a poem receiving abusive comments is more likely to be acted upon in a timely fashion.
THE GREEN EYED MONSTER
~This is the story of a girl who was misunderstood read carefully~
Bright green eyes, matched with skin crafted of snow black jacket draped over her skinny arms, her friends say she was stitched to that jacket because she was as cold as her soul. Raven black dyed hair because its original vibrant blonde brang memories of a mother who wasnt there. As slim as the branches in the winter no wonder she was always hungry for other peoples glory. Jealous of the car her friend owns so she chooses to walk to school, peppy ass attitude to happy to understand reality. Her and her dad so close they basically share a room yet she cant respect thoughs who's daddy's wasnt there. Wont dress out in PE cause shes "better" than us, winces at every touch as if shes to good to be touched. Sleeps with every guy ha ha shes a slut
yet has the nerve to cry anytime they break up. Attention whore Miss all eyes on me, pretends to wanna please everyone she meets. Black eyes, busted lips omgggg all she does is fight, but her ass to "classy" to come to the parties at night
all in all she is a trampy, overly happy, stuck up, no style having, fake, rachet, white girl who is jealous of everyone she looks at with those eyes....
~my question was..."hey whos the new girl?" those were the responses of my peers two days before Gem's suicide...damn but why would she do something like this...when it was my turn for the viewing i noticed the old scars on her bruised wrist~
her real story has been between the lines the whole time so i ask you "who was the new girl....really?" ( RIP G.E.M) "Tell the story of my peers as long as my truth is behind the lines" we miss you!!
I'm a new poet. been writing for years , just never thought i was good enough so please critique me on this poem called Beauty
if you look into her eyes you would see what it looks like when you cut down a tree. all of the mistreatment, abuse, and malnourishment can be seen as if it were a browsers history. But she put so much effort into hiding her rings that you just don’t say anything.
You want to make her happy. But its like decorating a messy house. There will be some cleaning up to do. she is putting ribbons and bows on piles of smelly garbage. because she doesn’t want to talk about it. she masks the smell and makes it look presentable. But, in the back of your mind you know that it is there and until it gets cleaned up it will remain there constantly lingering in the back of your mind until you end up breaking down like a rubber band that just can’t keep stretching.
Her outside is beautiful like looking out an airplane and seeing the ocean for the first time. But there are minor imperfections that she sees in herself that makes her like a hypochondriac, constantly thinking that the little things will kill her.
Her eyes are what kill her the most. constantly seeing what Music, Tv, Magazines, and social networks define as “Beautiful”. Skinny and stupid. Thats not Beauty. Beauty is finally cleaning up that messy house and feeling some accomplishment because you are happy with where you have come from. Beauty is waking up every morning with the girl of your dreams laying beside you. Beauty is looking in the mirror and noticing that your not the only one on the planet with imperfections everyone was born with them and instead of cutting off those imperfections you embrace them and it makes you a better person because you understand something about life and how we all end up in the whole and the only way you live on is by peoples memories of you. Thats what people don’t realize about beauty.
if you look into her eyes you would see what it looks like when you cut down a tree. all of the mistreatment, abuse, and malnourishment can be seen as if it were a browsers history. But she put so much effort into hiding her rings that you just don’t say anything.
You want to make her happy. But its like decorating a messy house. There will be some cleaning up to do. she is putting ribbons and bows on piles of smelly garbage. because she doesn’t want to talk about it. she masks the smell and makes it look presentable. But, in the back of your mind you know that it is there and until it gets cleaned up it will remain there constantly lingering in the back of your mind until you end up breaking down like a rubber band that just can’t keep stretching.
Her outside is beautiful like looking out an airplane and seeing the ocean for the first time. But there are minor imperfections that she sees in herself that makes her like a hypochondriac, constantly thinking that the little things will kill her.
Her eyes are what kill her the most. constantly seeing what Music, Tv, Magazines, and social networks define as “Beautiful”. Skinny and stupid. Thats not Beauty. Beauty is finally cleaning up that messy house and feeling some accomplishment because you are happy with where you have come from. Beauty is waking up every morning with the girl of your dreams laying beside you. Beauty is looking in the mirror and noticing that your not the only one on the planet with imperfections everyone was born with them and instead of cutting off those imperfections you embrace them and it makes you a better person because you understand something about life and how we all end up in the whole and the only way you live on is by peoples memories of you. Thats what people don’t realize about beauty.
LoveSlams said:I'm a new poet. been writing for years , just never thought i was good enough so please critique me on this poem called Beauty
if you look into her eyes you would see what it looks like when you cut down a tree. all of the mistreatment, abuse, and malnourishment can be seen as if it were a browsers history. But she put so much effort into hiding her rings that you just don’t say anything.
You want to make her happy. But its like decorating a messy house. There will be some cleaning up to do. she is putting ribbons and bows on piles of smelly garbage. because she doesn’t want to talk about it. she masks the smell and makes it look presentable. But, in the back of your mind you know that it is there and until it gets cleaned up it will remain there constantly lingering in the back of your mind until you end up breaking down like a rubber band that just can’t keep stretching.
Her outside is beautiful like looking out an airplane and seeing the ocean for the first time. But there are minor imperfections that she sees in herself that makes her like a hypochondriac, constantly thinking that the little things will kill her.
Her eyes are what kill her the most. constantly seeing what Music, Tv, Magazines, and social networks define as “Beautiful”. Skinny and stupid. Thats not Beauty. Beauty is finally cleaning up that messy house and feeling some accomplishment because you are happy with where you have come from. Beauty is waking up every morning with the girl of your dreams laying beside you. Beauty is looking in the mirror and noticing that your not the only one on the planet with imperfections everyone was born with them and instead of cutting off those imperfections you embrace them and it makes you a better person because you understand something about life and how we all end up in the whole and the only way you live on is by peoples memories of you. Thats what people don’t realize about beauty.
Rather than going off on tangents about trees, browsers, airplanes, hypochondria and such - you are better off sticking with a central theme.
So, you mostly speak of a house full of piles of garbage. That's a theme you can expand upon. Many readers would instantly associate such with a hoarder.
A hoarder surrounds themselves with what they put value into. She values other people's opinions about beauty. Fill her house with those "magazines" stacked to the ceiling. Women's mags. Adult mags. Tabloid rags. Any publication that emphasizes a skewed perspective on physical beauty.
Experiment with presenting her as a hoarder and see what happens.
And avoid long winded sentences. Information goes in one ear and out the other if one isn't given enough pauses to properly digest it.
if you look into her eyes you would see what it looks like when you cut down a tree. all of the mistreatment, abuse, and malnourishment can be seen as if it were a browsers history. But she put so much effort into hiding her rings that you just don’t say anything.
You want to make her happy. But its like decorating a messy house. There will be some cleaning up to do. she is putting ribbons and bows on piles of smelly garbage. because she doesn’t want to talk about it. she masks the smell and makes it look presentable. But, in the back of your mind you know that it is there and until it gets cleaned up it will remain there constantly lingering in the back of your mind until you end up breaking down like a rubber band that just can’t keep stretching.
Her outside is beautiful like looking out an airplane and seeing the ocean for the first time. But there are minor imperfections that she sees in herself that makes her like a hypochondriac, constantly thinking that the little things will kill her.
Her eyes are what kill her the most. constantly seeing what Music, Tv, Magazines, and social networks define as “Beautiful”. Skinny and stupid. Thats not Beauty. Beauty is finally cleaning up that messy house and feeling some accomplishment because you are happy with where you have come from. Beauty is waking up every morning with the girl of your dreams laying beside you. Beauty is looking in the mirror and noticing that your not the only one on the planet with imperfections everyone was born with them and instead of cutting off those imperfections you embrace them and it makes you a better person because you understand something about life and how we all end up in the whole and the only way you live on is by peoples memories of you. Thats what people don’t realize about beauty.
Rather than going off on tangents about trees, browsers, airplanes, hypochondria and such - you are better off sticking with a central theme.
So, you mostly speak of a house full of piles of garbage. That's a theme you can expand upon. Many readers would instantly associate such with a hoarder.
A hoarder surrounds themselves with what they put value into. She values other people's opinions about beauty. Fill her house with those "magazines" stacked to the ceiling. Women's mags. Adult mags. Tabloid rags. Any publication that emphasizes a skewed perspective on physical beauty.
Experiment with presenting her as a hoarder and see what happens.
And avoid long winded sentences. Information goes in one ear and out the other if one isn't given enough pauses to properly digest it.
I've been writing poetry and lyrics for 35 years to log my perspective of stressful, emotional, reaction to my life's events. All my work has never been exposed to family, friends, anyone. I struggled for months to segment my works by them.... I came across UP and have used UP poetry themes to start classifying my works....I have thousands of poems...I started with 450 poems that seem to falled into UP dark, angry, love, self poem categories....and compiled those works into books and have defined a brand to tie them together. Ended up with 4 books of poems containing about 120 poems each...I just joined this site and will be uploading some poems from each category cause I am looking for feedback of all kinds..."dont write another word or that f ing piece push my buttons..." Is there anyone out there that can give me guidance or suggestions on how many works should be bundled in one book of poems ? i dont want to waste trees nor spread the glue over lost soup:)
RareInOne said:I've been writing poetry and lyrics for 35 years to log my perspective of stressful, emotional, reaction to my life's events. All my work has never been exposed to family, friends, anyone. I struggled for months to segment my works by them.... I came across UP and have used UP poetry themes to start classifying my works....I have thousands of poems...I started with 450 poems that seem to falled into UP dark, angry, love, self poem categories....and compiled those works into books and have defined a brand to tie them together. Ended up with 4 books of poems containing about 120 poems each...I just joined this site and will be uploading some poems from each category cause I am looking for feedback of all kinds..."dont write another word or that f ing piece push my buttons..." Is there anyone out there that can give me guidance or suggestions on how many works should be bundled in one book of poems ? i dont want to waste trees nor spread the glue over lost soup:)
I think it all depends on how lengthy your poems are and if each one is truly an attempt to give Mister Reader his money's worth of entertainment.
The average poem would likely consume 1 page.
Lets go with 200 poems in which you really brought your A Game.
Not your B Game.
And no Haikus or Assorted Brain Farts In 10 Words Or Less.
I think it all depends on how lengthy your poems are and if each one is truly an attempt to give Mister Reader his money's worth of entertainment.
The average poem would likely consume 1 page.
Lets go with 200 poems in which you really brought your A Game.
Not your B Game.
And no Haikus or Assorted Brain Farts In 10 Words Or Less.
The Loudest Noise In The World
Waves crashing against the shoreline
In early morning hours
Lying in bed on a hot summer night
Windows up, the crickets singing outside
But the loudest noise in the world is so much more intense than those
It's the sound of your own heart
Breaking
Written by Medic8126
1. I quite like this... For a newbie it's fairly brilliant.
2. Line 2 you set the poem up in the early morning, in line 3 you set it up on hot summer nights, it is a little confusing and steals the image of the waves you create in the line 1.
3. "Windows up" while I agree that less is more, in this case the image is lost... Is the window up on the wall? but it could be such a lovely image, " light breaze drifts gently through the open window"? or similar or less or... "the songs of crickets amplify through the open window pane"?
4. I think the second last line is limiting to your rhythm, I blame the word "but", though it might be word order too... What do you think of...
"intense songs are
the loudest
in the depth of
my own
breaking
heart. "
?
I read your other two as well...
A) Be wary of repetition, it takes forever to perfect... Then still doesn't always work.
B) Careful trying to explain so much, that it loses the poetry... most often you don't have to explain everything.
Disclaimer: This commentary is all just my humble opinion on poetry I actually like, it is no way a degrading of the original work or artist and is no possible way all bona-fide fact.
Waves crashing against the shoreline
In early morning hours
Lying in bed on a hot summer night
Windows up, the crickets singing outside
But the loudest noise in the world is so much more intense than those
It's the sound of your own heart
Breaking
Written by Medic8126
1. I quite like this... For a newbie it's fairly brilliant.
2. Line 2 you set the poem up in the early morning, in line 3 you set it up on hot summer nights, it is a little confusing and steals the image of the waves you create in the line 1.
3. "Windows up" while I agree that less is more, in this case the image is lost... Is the window up on the wall? but it could be such a lovely image, " light breaze drifts gently through the open window"? or similar or less or... "the songs of crickets amplify through the open window pane"?
4. I think the second last line is limiting to your rhythm, I blame the word "but", though it might be word order too... What do you think of...
"intense songs are
the loudest
in the depth of
my own
breaking
heart. "
?
I read your other two as well...
A) Be wary of repetition, it takes forever to perfect... Then still doesn't always work.
B) Careful trying to explain so much, that it loses the poetry... most often you don't have to explain everything.
Disclaimer: This commentary is all just my humble opinion on poetry I actually like, it is no way a degrading of the original work or artist and is no possible way all bona-fide fact.
RevolutionAL said:
1. I quite like this... For a newbie it's fairly brilliant.
2. Line 2 you set the poem up in the early morning, in line 3 you set it up on hot summer nights, it is a little confusing and steals the image of the waves you create in the line 1.
3. "Windows up" while I agree that less is more, in this case the image is lost... Is the window up on the wall? but it could be such a lovely image, " light breaze drifts gently through the open window"? or similar or less or... "the songs of crickets amplify through the open window pane"?
4. I think the second last line is limiting to your rhythm, I blame the word "but", though it might be word order too... What do you think of...
"intense songs are
the loudest
in the depth of
my own
breaking
heart. "
?
I read your other two as well...
A) Be wary of repetition, it takes forever to perfect... Then still doesn't always work.
B) Careful trying to explain so much, that it loses the poetry... most often you don't have to explain everything.
Disclaimer: This commentary is all just my humble opinion on poetry I actually like, it is no way a degrading of the original work or artist and is no possible way all bona-fide fact.
excellent critique AL
1. I quite like this... For a newbie it's fairly brilliant.
2. Line 2 you set the poem up in the early morning, in line 3 you set it up on hot summer nights, it is a little confusing and steals the image of the waves you create in the line 1.
3. "Windows up" while I agree that less is more, in this case the image is lost... Is the window up on the wall? but it could be such a lovely image, " light breaze drifts gently through the open window"? or similar or less or... "the songs of crickets amplify through the open window pane"?
4. I think the second last line is limiting to your rhythm, I blame the word "but", though it might be word order too... What do you think of...
"intense songs are
the loudest
in the depth of
my own
breaking
heart. "
?
I read your other two as well...
A) Be wary of repetition, it takes forever to perfect... Then still doesn't always work.
B) Careful trying to explain so much, that it loses the poetry... most often you don't have to explain everything.
Disclaimer: This commentary is all just my humble opinion on poetry I actually like, it is no way a degrading of the original work or artist and is no possible way all bona-fide fact.
excellent critique AL
