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The "Critique Me" Thread

poet
uniqueshaky
Thought Provoker
Wales
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Joined 24th Jan 2012
Forum Posts: 196

Any comments on my two newest pieces would be greatly appreciated:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/273972-love-blind/

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/273973-the-gamble/

Thank you.

poet
GothicQueen666
Viviaan
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 5th Jan 2012
Forum Posts: 186

Intro
My name was Jamie, I was your regular teenage girl. My blonde hair flowed down my back in a waterfall of waves, my blue eyes glistened in the light every time I smiled. I can still see the people I loved, my mother and sisters, my soon to be fiancé. But this isn’t the story of who I was… This is the story of how I lost everything I was.

deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/275941-untitled-intro-and--some-of--chapte

poet
RebelePhoenix
Rebel Phoenix
Twisted Dreamer
United States
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Joined 3rd Aug 2015
Forum Posts: 93

Thank you.. I see some of that

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float_on
Strange Creature
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Joined 1st Nov 2017
Forum Posts: 3

The First Time

I was 6 when I first recognized what anxiety felt like.
I was 8 the first time I looked at myself and noticed my imperfections.
When I was 10, I began to criticize my actions and appearance.
I was 11 the first time I cried as I stared into the mirror,
11 when my parents separated;
When I decided I needed to be perfect.

I was 12 the first time I made myself throw up
and made my legs bleed with a pencil;
12 when my sister tried to kill herself, twice. I blamed myself.
13, a knife;
14, a razor. Still no one had a clue.

14 when I found out my little breakdowns were called panic attacks;
That I had an anxiety disorder.
14 when I first drank alcohol.
I was 14 the first time I melted plastic into my own skin.
I was 15 when one of my best friends died in a tragic car accident.
I was 15 when I first took pills; did drugs.

I was 15 when I overdosed and was diagnosed with depression.
15, in a psych ward, wondering why I was the way I was.
When I was 15, I was drugged and violated by two guys at a party.
They told me it was my fault because I drank.
I didn’t tell anyone how much it affected me.

I lost my virginity to a boy who said he loved me, when I was 15.
A boy who cheated on and dumped me the next week.
When I was 15, I was first called a slut.
At 15, I was put on antidepressants.
I still tried to kill myself again.
It didn’t work.

When I turned 16 I decided to get better.
A few months later I was raped.
When I was 16, my best friend sided with my rapist.
Told everyone I was lying.
The bruises on my hips were only hickies and my wrist was just fractured because I fell.

16, getting a rape kit.
16, on a hospital bed wondering why I was the way I was.
Wondering how I could have ‘wanted it’.
“Willing little slut”
“Lying little slut”
I was 16 when I couldn’t find it in myself to testify.
16 when my rapist walked, despite all of the evidence.

I was 17 when I first truly felt regret.
I was 17 when I decided to move forward.
When I was 17 I met a boy.
17 when he held me through the nights;
Told me I would be alright.
And I fell in love for the first time.
17, laying with a boy thinking maybe life could have a purpose.
I am almost 18 and I am trying so very hard to be happy again.
Almost 18 and I have finally found some hope.
Written by float_on
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Honestly just a very inexperienced writer looking to find out if I am any good. Any and all thoughts and critique are welcome!

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 1619

The First Time

I was 6 when I first recognized what anxiety felt like.
I was 8 the first time I looked at myself and noticed my imperfections.
When I was 10, I began to criticize my actions and appearance.
I was 11 the first time I cried as I stared into the mirror,
11 when my parents separated;
When I decided I needed to be perfect.

I was 12 the first time I made myself throw up
and made my legs bleed with a pencil;
12 when my sister tried to kill herself, twice. I blamed myself.
13, a knife;
14, a razor. Still no one had a clue.

14 when I found out my little breakdowns were called panic attacks;
That I had an anxiety disorder.
14 when I first drank alcohol.
I was 14 the first time I melted plastic into my own skin.
I was 15 when one of my best friends died in a tragic car accident.
I was 15 when I first took pills; did drugs.

I was 15 when I overdosed and was diagnosed with depression.
15, in a psych ward, wondering why I was the way I was.
When I was 15, I was drugged and violated by two guys at a party.
They told me it was my fault because I drank.
I didn’t tell anyone how much it affected me.

I lost my virginity to a boy who said he loved me, when I was 15.
A boy who cheated on and dumped me the next week.
When I was 15, I was first called a slut.
At 15, I was put on antidepressants.
I still tried to kill myself again.
It didn’t work.

When I turned 16 I decided to get better.
A few months later I was raped.
When I was 16, my best friend sided with my rapist.
Told everyone I was lying.
The bruises on my hips were only hickies and my wrist was just fractured because I fell.

16, getting a rape kit.
16, on a hospital bed wondering why I was the way I was.
Wondering how I could have ‘wanted it’.
“Willing little slut”
“Lying little slut”
I was 16 when I couldn’t find it in myself to testify.
16 when my rapist walked, despite all of the evidence.

I was 17 when I first truly felt regret.
I was 17 when I decided to move forward.
When I was 17 I met a boy.
17 when he held me through the nights;
Told me I would be alright.
And I fell in love for the first time.
17, laying with a boy thinking maybe life could have a purpose.
I am almost 18 and I am trying so very hard to be happy again.
Almost 18 and I have finally found some hope.
Written by float_on
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float_on said:

Honestly just a very inexperienced writer looking to find out if I am any good. Any and all thoughts and critique are welcome!


Beautiful heartfelt poetry. If you'd like suggestions for improving your writing, we suggest you join "Honestly Crafted Critique ".

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Dangerous Mind
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 878

If you would like a poem critiqued or would like to critique poems, please join the HCC Group.

Here is the link:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

Thank you.

poet
jmoon1020
Strange Creature
United States
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Joined 5th Dec 2017
Forum Posts: 2

Three Simple Words

Oh, woe is the man that falls for you.
For in the light of day, your eyes, so keen, are like the blue steel of a blade which reflects the color of nature's perfect glade.  
 
Your beauty, as constant and unfeigned as the wind, fills the air with flames which dance and are alight with a passion which can never hope to be contained.  
 
And as a man, there is naught I can do, neither defend nor pretend that meeting you will allow me a peaceful end, for it has scoured my very being, leaving nothing but a heart, beating, beating, beating*, with the rhythm of life begun anew, and three simple words, meant only for you.
 
*please read the "heart, beating, beating, beating" section with increasing intensity through the repetition
Written by jmoon1020
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I would love some feedback on my first work since my time in AP English, 5 or 6 years ago. Thank you!



As a side note, how do you all go about emphasizing specific sections without capitalization or incorrect formatting/punctuation.

Thank you!

- Justin

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 1619

If you would like a poem critiqued or would like to critique poems, please join the HCC Group.

Here is the link:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

Thank you.

poet
Shonuff666
Lost Thinker
United States
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Joined 13th Jan 2018
Forum Posts: 23

Hooked

What is the strongest drug in all of mankind
Without any doubt I much stronger then weed
What meth herion its pure child's play
One taste of me I promise forever u are mine
Their is nothing more powerful then what I will do to your mind
Whatever i ask
your powerless don't eve don't  try
I've been around longer and touched and destroyed more lives  then any of your street drugs your worthless money can buy
From the strongest to the weakest
From the richest  to the poorest  none are ammune  to my Devine high I am coveted by all who try
I can be the best or worse thing that you  will ever try
 you think the things I say can't possibly be true . But I am willing to bet your looking for me now you don't even know it. But I'm always in the back of your mind
If you use me right I promise I'll treat you right but beware if you abuse me it is you who will be in despair try and try to run and hide not even in your dreams can u hide
I can turn your best friend into your worst enemy trust me that's easy have you heard of me yet my name it's so easy
So easy to say and so hard to forget you can find me almost anywhere keep your money
 I'm  one thing you can never buy although many have tried.
For I am LOVE THE most powerful drug in all of man kind .....
Written by Shonuff666
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Please take  a look tell me what u think or what needs to be changed please

poet
Shonuff666
Lost Thinker
United States
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Joined 13th Jan 2018
Forum Posts: 23

Whoops guess I did that wrong

poet
Sbrown
Strange Creature
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Joined 6th May 2018
Forum Posts: 1

I don't actually see any pieces on here that are getting critiqued.  View does this work

poet
Blackwolf
I.M.Blackwolf
Dangerous Mind
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Joined 31st Mar 2018
Forum Posts: 635

Forget the HCC group , if they won't answer you here , Float On ;

Your poem / confession , is honest , raw , powerful , well structured ,

and rocks...tells the truth of the hurt and pain , and lays it out , in

a way you needed to , to tell your story , and keep from breaking down

in the process !

Personally , I loved it , not that it happened , but your rendering of the event ;

Please share this with others at your local support group , or poetry group...

You will find support , caring , and healing through that , and *that* is far

more important than any critique coming from those who have never

experienced what you have , or could ever know...

Best to you in your process of healing !

poet
Blackwolf
I.M.Blackwolf
Dangerous Mind
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Joined 31st Mar 2018
Forum Posts: 635

"As a side note, how do you all go about emphasizing specific sections without capitalization or incorrect formatting/punctuation."

Justin , I often use the technique of quotes around a
specific  phrase , word , or sentence , or asterisks ;

That is enough to give potency for those truly paying attention...

poet
mel44
Fire of Insight
United Kingdom
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Joined 3rd Mar 2017
Forum Posts: 211

Sbrown said:I don't actually see any pieces on here that are getting critiqued.  View does this work

You are on the "Critique Me Thread" for discussion. If you would like to see critiques, have a poem critiqued or critique one yourself, please join Honestly Crafted Critique Group.  You can find it on the Group page or click the link below.

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

Kind Regards,
Mel

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Blackwolf
I.M.Blackwolf
Dangerous Mind
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Joined 31st Mar 2018
Forum Posts: 635

Mel , that seems extremely redundant...why are not the groups

merged , or is that too simple for those who run it to realize ?

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