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The "Critique Me" Thread

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sirBoring
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DennisWriter
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My poems "Goldenmilf" and "Rhyme of a Freshman Cad." Both of them as they are interconnected.

Thanks.

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RebelePhoenix
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PsycoticMastermind
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RebelePhoenix said:https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/212378-blinding-reality/


Blinding Reality

Life has a way of teaching you that your illusion of control and direction(strike),(/strike) is exactly the depth of things... An illusion, apparition, a fantasy of the traditions passed down. Power is intangible, control is unobtainable. What you sow is the ripple it creates outside of your comprehension. and You reap what you take as your own


Aside from my edits, which you a free to disregard - I suggest substituting fantasy with phantasm or spectre. Thus, apparition would not be necessary.  Mentioning illusion twice is unnecessary.

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PsycoticMastermind
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DennisWriter said:My poems "Goldenmilf" and "Rhyme of a Freshman Cad." Both of them as they are interconnected.

Thanks.


I wouldn't change a thing about either. You could probably publish a whole book of these.

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RebelePhoenix
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Thank you!!! Absolutely fabulous!!!! I couldn't agree more!! Thank you and if you wouldn't mind looking at more of my work and giving me your recommendations!!! Truly appreciated

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PsycoticMastermind
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RebelePhoenix said:Thank you!!! Absolutely fabulous!!!! I couldn't agree more!! Thank you and if you wouldn't mind looking at more of my work and giving me your recommendations!!! Truly appreciated

I hope you don't my critiquing your works here; the forum poses more functionality that poem comments does not allow.

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/212550-loving-father/

Loving Father?

Why do you torment me? Why is my misery your muse?
Why do you obsess to feel my heart beat ceased?
Can you in the very least taste my name
in the spews of venom you speak?

My very existence curdles your blood.

You
have fantasized and attempted to steal life from me
Ironically, it's my deepest regret your efforts were futile
The monster in my closet isn't a trick of my mind mind trick or mind fuck or ......
He It will never disappear, he is woven in the fabric of my being
alt
Never to disappear, it is woven in the fabric of who I am



Your punctuation is not consistent. End lines with or without periods, not a mix of both.

The rhyming tossed into Stanza 1 is meant to aid the flow of what are for the most part a batch of generic questions that have launched a thousand if not a million emotional poems. Make them yours by making them unique. Make them memorable with perhaps a little jingle like I provided.

Don't be afraid to use one word lines to maximize a word's emotional impact.



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JohnnyBlaze
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PsycoticMastermind said:

I hope you don't my critiquing your works here; the forum poses more functionality that poem comments does not allow.


Now, why didn't I think of that?

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PsycoticMastermind
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JohnnyBlaze said:

Now, why didn't I think of that?


Because I am the brains of this operation.

You are just the eye candy.

poet Anonymous

PsycoticMastermind said:

Because I am the brains of this operation.

You are just the eye candy.


And how sweet it is...

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mel44
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https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/266398-mysterious-ways/

Johnny Blaze, would you mind having a look? I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

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Marshmellion
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im getting back into poetry and was wondering what others think about the last poem i have posted

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/232127-it-stares-back-upon-me-it-watches-its/

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Ahavati
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Marshmellion said:im getting back into poetry and was wondering what others think about the last poem i have posted

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/232127-it-stares-back-upon-me-it-watches-its/


Copy and paste your poem here:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/9350/150/#386215

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RebelePhoenix
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Thank you immensely for your guidance... I have been very busy hence why I haven't replied sooner but I love some for the subtle changes you implemented

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JohnnyBlaze
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RebelePhoenix said:Thank you immensely for your guidance... I have been very busy hence why I haven't replied sooner but I love some for the subtle changes you implemented

Our doors are always open here.

Although if you see Psy outside of his maximum security cell, I suggest running.

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