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The "Critique Me" Thread

poet
lepperochan
Craic-in-a-box
Tyrant of Words
Palestine
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MayRayn said:I've just blurted this one out today. It feels in need of work (aren't they all?) and am curious what willing slicers and dicers will make of it. Have at it, with my blessings and gratitude.

(also appears here: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/240221-in-perpetuity/ )


In Perpetuity

Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass.

first couple of lines are important, cos you want to try hook the reader. for me, the first line oozed bleak. your voice seems to start off monotone in in its nature and I think it, and the line which follows probably feature in every emo poem in history.

( I watch the sand grains, tear-stained, recalling )


our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in a dream that led us to forget ourselves.


here's where it starts to get interesting, some original thought. you might consider sticking an : after other, it would allow you to drop the in at the start of the next line



I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..." on that highest ledge,
scanning the horizon instead for what will be
.

I think you could easily cut those couple of lines, I thought the next three worked very well, wasn't sure about the last couple of words though " in silent unison " seems a bit overkill

I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. And so I've buried us
where our hearts now beat in silent unison.

Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together.


it's amost like there's two different voices vying for an ear. that's to say, there are places where it would seem there was a level of strugle involved in translating your thoughts. for instance if you compare the line

"Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together"

which seems a bit congested compared to the lines below which are clear, and also add a metaphorical angle

We shifted
sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories tattooed under our skin


as angels danced on prickling pins.  ...just no ..NO! Goddammnit

And so I sit, watching the days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder.
If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil,
and plant our memories to feed the roses.



Advice wise, I'd suggest keeping with the more clear stanzas, and steering from the tried and tried-more words and phrases like hourglass etc

your voice did pick up after the first couple of lines, and for the most part stayed up, there were a couple of occasions where I thought it doubled back but you snapped out of it within a line or two


poet
Distorted_Lust
Lost Thinker
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I'm a lost soul,..
Full with passion that resides inside,
I try to envolp deeply as possible,

As I flip through the pages of the litany of knoledge accursed from prior tragidies,
As irrelevant this seems I wrote this book as I went mad you see,..

I have the soul of a beast, a creature,
It troubles me to understand,
As i reach out to the madness,
In return a ethereal hand a

poet
MayRayn
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
United States
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@Lepp  and   @AlwaysHungry

Thanks much to both of you! Really useful feedback, lots to think about. Very much obliged.

poet
MayRayn
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
United States
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Take 2:

In Perpetuity

I watch the sand grains drip through endlessly,
recall our past pluperfect enmeshed in each other,
in dreams that led us to forget ourselves.

I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..."
and scanned horizons for what will be.
I thought I'd need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. I've now buried us
where our hearts beat in silent unison.

Sadness and yearning brought us together.
We shifted sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories hidden, tattooed under our skin.

And so I sit, watching the days slip,
bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder
worn near my heart until our days run out.

poet Anonymous

Lepperochan and I may be pulling you in different directions. I was fine with "Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass." I don't think that sand grains "drip." Perhaps they "drift." But "slip" accurately describes the actual physical phenomenon, plus there is an additional, helpful implication of the days slipping away, slipping from your helpless grasp. I would try to further develop the notion of days as grains of sand, innumerable days, days that all look the same.

poet
MayRayn
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
United States
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Hmmm.... thanks. I will think on it some more.

poet Anonymous

I am a narcissistic woman.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.

poet Anonymous

Iam a narcissistic woman.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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What the hell? I turn my back for a moment and all hell breaks loose in here.

poet
pollyannaish_poet
Strange Creature
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I love this website!

poet
OxyMoronicMe
G.L. Emz
Dangerous Mind
Philippines
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http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231385-awakening-peek/

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231386-awakening-confusion/

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231429-awakening-wet-dream/

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231430-awakening-conscious/

Hello,

I am looking to improve my Awakening (four part series fictional prose) composition. I would be very grateful for your help.  Please, if you have a spare time, would you take a peek and see how it is? I know there are some proofreads and other corrections but I just can't see it with my own eyes. Something is missing and I don't know what.

Many thanks in advance to anyone who would spare it some time.

My gratitude...
Hugz,
Oxy

poet
XCIDED
Strange Creature
Sweden
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Hi! I found the interest to write for like 4-5 months ago and i like it then it goes my way!  I have been uploaded two "poems" on song lyrics and they are for two different songs! So please check them out and give me critique! ///XCIDED

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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XCIDED said:Hi! I found the interest to write for like 4-5 months ago and i like it then it goes my way!  I have been uploaded two "poems" on song lyrics and they are for two different songs! So please check them out and give me critique! ///XCIDED

1. Use a spell checker. You spelled "together" wrong several times.

2. Both songs are not very engaging because they are too brief and have no inherent musicality.

Make them longer and make them so that we sing them along to imaginary music as we read them.

poet
RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Fire of Insight
South Africa
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Okay looking for some old timers with balls
and a rude mouth on em

Battled to make it sit on a page nice and square.
Put it together in a completely new style.
Used an entirely belligerent topic for the Metaphore... Want to work it to death...

It lives here (link below) if you've got the know how and talk... I'd appreciate your walk through it. (If "nice" is what you got, walk on by and wave rather)

deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/252451-the-apollo-of-poetry-complex/

I'm outta smarties for prizes... We gonna have to smack it for love xxx

poet
crimsin
Unveiling
Tyrant of Words
United States
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delete

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